Help desperately needed with comments from "friend" (warning-long)

[ddmarsh]

Let me see if I can get all of this down, and please forgive me if I ramble because I am terribly upset about it all. Alex (4.5) has a good friend from pre-school who also lives in our neighborhood with whom he plays. They just met last fall but have played together at school quite a bit and also back and forth between our homes. Things have been fine, they get along very well. His mom has been very nice and there have been no problems there as well. Well just yesterday and today these very demeaning comments toward Alex came from her - honestly seemingly from nowhere. To my knowledge there have been no problems between the boys, and actually even if there were I wouldn't think that one would just start making such comments about your child. First she commented on how Alex is "like a puppydog" and runs ups to Brooks when he gets to school. Actually it's very cute, Alex likes to see him and runs to the door to greet him. She also commented on how "heavy" Alex is, which although he is heavier than my other boys were at his age he is by no means fat, he's just not a beanpole like they were and her son is. Then today she says to me (yes in April) "Did Alex sign his own Valentine's." Me, perplexed, "Yes, why?" She - "Oh I just couldn't tell which one was his b/c there was one with those letters but they weren't in a line." Now first of all, or course you knew that was his and second of all why on earth would you say that?? I just said that after the first dozen or so (they have a total of 32 kids that attend) he dropped off - I didn't really care how he signed them. I am just blown away at the things that have been said, and you would have to hear the tone of them to really appreciate that she is indeed being quite rude/offensive. I would never in a million years say these things to someone. Unfortunately what makes it worse is that I have been worried about Alex's learning in general and am starting by having a speech evaluation this week. I feel horribly guilty that I haven't realized there may be a problem (he had horrible ear/sinus problems and there is often a connection from what I have read between that and later learning). I also want to add that the ironic thing is that Alex is such a gregarious lovable kid and I have been so struck by the way that kids, including older kids, seem to be so responsive to him - they seek him out to a surprising extent. Point being, there have never been any social problems with him at all. I am heartbroken b/c I worry that I can't have him around someone who has such an attitude toward him but he is just crazy about this other child and I can't imagine not letting him play with him. I've thought about addressing it with her but can't imagine how to do so and have it allow me to express my concerns but not cause her to become so defensive that the relationship ends. I could care less about having a relationship with her, it's Alex that I'm so upset about. What would you do or say? Honestly we've had lots of friends over the years with all of my boys and I've never experienced something so hurtful and offensive from someone. Thanks for listening - Debbie

[mamahill]

I am blown away. And I feel so sad for Alex. Hopefully he hasn't picked up on any of this yet.

First of all, I wonder what her issue really is. Often people (read: women), when faced with insecurities of their own, lash out at others. That is really weird that she brought up Valentine's since that was 2 months ago! I wonder what issues her child is having, that is making her feel the need to belittle someone else's child. Perhaps it is that Alex IS so well-liked by others?

I feel badly that Alex has such a good friend in her son, but not in her. I would try to find him a new friend, though, because as young as they are, children can pick up on those kind of "vibes" and it may have a more lasting affect on his self-confidence. Just my .02, but Alex deserves better than that. And so do you! You don't need this stress right now!

I don't think there's a way you could bring it up without her getting defensive. She has to know that her behavior is totally out of line, and being called on it will only make her defensive. I think someone posted in another thread about rude comments, that a good response would be, "Why EVER would you ask that?"

Hugs to you and Alex!

[ddmarsh]

Oh thanks so much :). I am aware that I just can't have him around her if this type of attitude is going to be displayed toward him - I guess I am just so flabergasted about the whole and part of me wants to bring it up because I just can't imagine where it came from. She called this morning to invite us to an Easter egg hunt but hours later was making horrible digs at my precious baby. I suppose you're right though, there may be so way to approach it and have something useful come out of the conversation.

Thanks again - Debbie

[mama2be]

I had a friend's mom act that way to me when I was younger...yet older than Alex...

I grew up over in Germany on an American Air Base and when we came to the states I was differnet in the other kids in the way I dressed etc...in Germany we didn't criticize eachothers clothes or have the pressure to wear certain brands. It took me awhile but I quickly conformed to the kids at school, BUT arrived totally not knowing this and so not wearing what needed to be worn. BUT one girls mom (who should have been focusing on a lot of other things than 6th graders clothes and ways of being) always seemed to say little very little comments. In fact so little they were hard to address...

But I remember her making a comment about my clothes, once I asked if her daughter could "come out and play" and she said we were to old to say it like that (6th grade...in other words "play" wasn't the right term to use)Hell I still want to ring frinds door bells and say "can you come out to play???"...and then once in my older years she sais to me it was too hot to wear panty hose. Strange I grew up dressing as well as anyone...and oddly enough the Witch lives in Raleigh now...she actually sent me a card post Tristan asking to come see him once my parents arrived...I was like NO way!!!

I wish she'd been addressed by my mother thus not allowing her to keep this up well into my teens...

This kind of reminds me of her...

[COElizabeth]

Debbie,

How awful! We all know kids can be cruel to each other, but how pathetic that a grown woman and a mother at that can't think of anything better to do with her time than to criticize a friendly little boy for the most idiotic reasons! Her child is going to be the one who really gets hurt if she keeps up that behavior, because none of the kids will want to be friends with him! Maybe it would be possible to limit their playdates to your house? Also, good luck with the speech evaluation. I hope it goes well and that any problems are resolved easily!

Elizabeth
Mom to James
9-20-02

[Shirale]

Debbie,
I just wanted to chime it that it sounds like Alex is a wonderful, friendly, caring kid and that my gut reaction to what you said is that she seems jealous or insecure and is using her kids or negative responces to your Alex to express that...I never got the ultra-competative, my kid is better than your kid, your kid is too fat etc etc- I think that is horrible. I make a point of trying hard not to compare Amira to toher children b/c she is who she is. If she was significantly delayed in something I would deal with it. I do however, love to once ina while "brag" to our family and friends about how funny and cute she is...but hey, I think it is a Mommy's privilege to think their child is adorable!

[atlbaby]

Debbie, what horrible behavior for a grown woman to display!! I feel so sorry for Alex, and I hope her own son is not on the receiving end of such comments and attitudes! I agree with what others have said, in that you probably should try and limit Alex's playdates at his friend's house. Perhaps like Elizabeth suggested, you could have more playdates at your house so Alex can still have fun with his friend. Alex sounds like a wonderful little boy, and I would just worry that he is internalizing these comments, because even though he is only 4.5 he may pick up on negative vibes and comments.

Good luck with the speech evaluation!! Let us know how it goes!

-Rachel
Mom to Arielle Jill, 10/30/01
#2:) EDD 10/24/03

[Rachels]

Shame on her!!! Have you read Traveling Mercies by Anne Lammott? There's a chapter where she describes an incredibly similar situation. For her it was a spiritual crisis, but the story's great no matter how you feel about that part of it. I send a psychic whack on the head to your enemy mom, who should know better!

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02

[jojo2324]

Ugh, I am so sorry you have to go through this! What a tough situation, especially since you only want your little boy to be happy with his new buddy! I think it is so sad how women treat one another, especially mothers! We need to unite and support each other!

I like the previous poster's suggestion to utilize Dear Abby...I am the worst at stuff like this. I am so non-confrontational and usually just stand there dumbfounded while people say awful things.

I wish that there was an easy solution to this. It's unfortunate when people blur the behavior line between kid and adult.

[memedee]

A conversation with this woman is exactly what she wants.
She is being very confrontational and wants you to take the bait.Dont
it wont lead to anything positive and could actually escalate things.
I agree with the above posts about having the play dates at your house.
I would also try and wean him from this boy and get him intersted in some other friends.I personally would not want my son around her.Who knows what comments she is making to him or around him.No friendship of your little boys is worth risking any damage to his self esteem!