Playdate...like the mom, but child is rough

[1ceng1]

I went on a few playdates with a mom and her DC that is in DD's class (they are 3 yo). DD had always talked about this friend from school, so we met up.
The first playdate went well. However, days later DD came home from school having been bitten hard by this friend. It was a very bad bruise that lingered for days. Anyway, b/c I liked the mom and they played nice when they were under our supervision, we went on another playdate. It was going well when her friend hit her on her head for no reason. DC was disciplined by his mom and DD didn't make a big deal of the incident. The friend then threw sand into the face of my 11 month old. My 3 yo knew it was wrong and yelled at her friend along with friend's mom.
Question is, I really like the mom, but an I endangering my kids? DD still tells me this friend is her "best friend" at school and asks to meet up with him despite these events. WWYD?

Thanks!

[C99]

It sounds like it might be differences in playstyles and/or gender/sex. I know that my son is generally more aggressive/rough and tumble than his female playmates. Also, when I meet only-children and their moms for playdates, they can be a lot rougher with my daughter than children w/ siblings, simply because they don't know how to act/react. How does the mom react when her child hurts one of your children? I would use that as my guide more than anything else, especially if you like the mom and your DD likes the kid.

[kijip]

Toby has a love hate relationship with a pal. They talk about each other all the time, hug as they part, ask to see each other. And what of the playdates? They are tiring for us parents! These two try to KILL each other. They seem to bring out the best and the worst in each other. Because we are really friends with the parents, we just stand close guard. We also have a tacit agreement to hide all toys before the other comes over. But that is going both ways so a little eaiser to handle IMO. Hopefully that child outgrows the behavior. In the meantime, if you still want to get together I would try to set the place to be one that minimizes the tension (perhaps a public park instead of home or a library where everyone is expected to be quieter?). It is a tough issue and I am sorry that I don't have more wisdom. At least the other parent is involved and responding when the kids acts badly (much eaiser to deal with than the parent that never notices or blames the other kid etc).

[american_mama]

I was in a similar situation where I liked the mom, but her boys were WAY too rough with my daughter. She did not handle it well at all, which is different than your situation. Instead, I stayed in touch with her via email and phone, and we went out without kids a few times. I resolved to never meet at her house again for play (because it was too crowded and made everything worse) and to never meet again during school vacation (because it made her temper short with her kids and worsened their behavior). So I would recommend picking your times and places carefully.

The next time we were with her kids was 6-8 months later, and her older two kids acted much better. Her little one was still a big hitter, and my DH and her DH hovered around him all the time. He still hit my DD once and broke one of her toys. So, hover without apology if need be, but don't expect to prevent everything.

On the child side, my daughter liked two neighborhood girls at our last place, but they were kind mean and exclusionary to her. But DD loved them. I did things like inviting them to our house to play, to put DD in a position of sharing HER toys so she could expect and remind them to share THEIR toys at other times. I also taught DD to say "I don't want to play with you if you act like that" or "Friends don't act that way" so she knew what to say when they were being mean. But, most relevant to you, is that I did not encourage the friendship as soon as there were alternative. A nicer neighborhood girl moved in and I encouraged that friendship, and once we moved to a new neighborhood, I never really mentioned the mean girls again, never asked if she missed them, wanted to see them, etc.

My cousin, who has three kids aged 12, told me that parents can and should shape their children's friendships. You can decide who to invite over, who to ask friendly questions about, etc. After our experience with DD liking friends who really weren't that good for her, I have taken that mesage to heart.