What should I do?

[JBaxter]

Hugs to you especially now. My brother is getting ready to leave next week for his second Iraq deployment. Its hard but it sounds like you may just need to take some time and be home with they children. If its only 6months you can take the time to find a job that works better with your family. If you can afford it take the spring and summer off. You can always find another job but the children will only be little now. Working just to pay a sitter rushing around being sick running a household... that is a full time job in its self. Hugs again

[deannamorrison]

Thank you Jeana.The thing is, they are always looking for salespeople at my job.The only catch is that it is up to your current manager if you are eligible for rehire.My old manager loved me..my new manager? I'm not so sure...but only because I've had to take so many days off

[tarabenet]

You are the only one who has any true insight into your situation and what would be best for you. I suggest you don't make any panic-driven decisions. Sit with things for a little while, and evaluate what is best for you and your family. Sure, with dad gone, the kids might benefit a great deal for having you full-time. On the other hand, if your work is terribly important to you, leaving out of fear, panic or general bumpy stretch might make you feel pretty low in a little while. Don't decide yet. Give yourself a week or two or more to see if this is just a fleeting bad spell or if there is a different trend in your life sending you down a new path.

If you can be patient, be kind to yourself, and control your fear for a bit, you will be able to make a decision you can know in your heart was the right thing for you to do. You should trust your instincts -- just first get yourself to a spot where you can hear them. And once you make your decision, move forward purposefully and *do not* waste time or energy second-guessing your decision!

Keep us posted. It is hard to check in on the boards these days, but know that a lot of people are thinking of you and rooting for you, even if they aren't able to get in here to post there support.

Peace and good luck!

[masha12]

"And my husband is very stingy and does not like to hand out money. I am struggling to pay my half of daycare and support the household(DH pays rent , the car payment and his half of daycare..but he is also making three times as much as I am and the military pays our rent)."

I think someone might need to explain to your husband that there is no such thing as "your half" and "my half" in a marriage. Nor is there any such thing as "my money" and "your money." All of that gets divided up in the divorce, but before that, it is both of yours.

I'd say it is time to get a joint checking account with both paychecks going into in with all household expenses/savings being paid out of it. If you both need to have your "separate" money, that money should be doled out of the joint checking account AFTER all household expenses are paid.

If your husband insists on keeping the money separate, then at the least his share of expenses should be 3 times your share if he is making 3 times what you make.

Sorry for my tirade but I get irritated when I hear stories about the higher earner thinking that they have more say about family finances simply because they bring home more money. It is not a gender thing either, I recently heard about a woman who told her husband, a stay at home dad, that because she was making all of the money, she got to "call all of the shots." If my husband said that to me, he'd be receiving a weekly invoice for all of the work I do in caring for the children and the house.

[masha12]

"And my husband is very stingy and does not like to hand out money. I am struggling to pay my half of daycare and support the household(DH pays rent , the car payment and his half of daycare..but he is also making three times as much as I am and the military pays our rent)."

I think someone might need to explain to your husband that there is no such thing as "your half" and "my half" in a marriage. Nor is there any such thing as "my money" and "your money." All of that gets divided up in the divorce, but before that, it is both of yours.

I'd say it is time to get a joint checking account with both paychecks going into in with all household expenses/savings being paid out of it. If you both need to have your "separate" money, that money should be doled out of the joint checking account AFTER all household expenses are paid.

If your husband insists on keeping the money separate, then at the least his share of expenses should be 3 times your share if he is making 3 times what you make.

Sorry for my tirade but I get irritated when I hear stories about the higher earner thinking that they have more say about family finances simply because they bring home more money. It is not a gender thing either, I recently heard about a woman who told her husband, a stay at home dad, that because she was making all of the money, she got to "call all of the shots." If my husband said that to me, he'd be receiving a weekly invoice for all of the work I do in caring for the children and the house.

[ShanaMama]

Deanna, your family is making huge sacrifices every day in order for my family to be safe & free of worry. For that I sincerely thank you.

As far as your question, I agree with a PP not to do anything rash. It sounds like you are handling everything family-wise, but not getting the emotional support from your DH that you need. I definitely think he should be contributing more financially, but not sure how feasible that would be for you to work out at this point.
Can you cut your hours at all, so you have a bit more flexibility while still retaining your job? Is your current boss aware of the situation you are in, re: childcare arrangements, sickdays, etc.? I know things wouldn't exactly change, but if s/he knew what you have on your plate, some more understanding & flexibility might be forthcoming.
I'd guess that you need to get out of the house to work, just to keep up some adult interaction. But do you have any option of working from home a few days/ week? Just throwing out different thoughts that may not have occurred to you.

>my commission structure changed. My paychecks have been dismal as of late
Is this because of the amount of work you were able to put in, or the change in position? Is the structure at all negotiable?

I am mainly suggesting changes in your workplace because it sounds like you really do want to work, but are having a hard time because you are running your home singlehandedly.
I also want to mention that you need to get out a bit, if at all possible. Can you get a local teenager to come over on weekends- after the kids are in bed- so you can get out with some friends? Just like couples need to nurture their relationship despite the difficulty while running a family, you now need to nurture your relationships with friends, as an adult individual. They can be an invaluable source of support while your DH is away & especially because you have a difficult relationship with him. Do you have a social network in your area?
I really think getting out by yourself once a week would help you feel more like a person, less run down. Even if you just go to the gym, etc.
Hope these ideas helped a bit, I apologize if they aren't exactly coherent, as it's 12:40 am & I'm typing in my sleep.
Keep us posted & remember we're here for you, for advice or just to vent.

[elephantmeg]

hugs girl!

I'm glad I'm not the only person who finds that we're sick more now that DS is almost a year than were were when he was an infant! I guess he picks stuff up better now that he's everywhere. I agree with the pp that you need to consolidate money more. I would give the job another month, see if things look up when you're not sick and then go from there.

Sorry you're having such a rough time!

[madelinesmom]

"Deanna, your family is making huge sacrifices every day in order for my family to be safe & free of worry. For that I sincerely thank you."

No advice just wanted to add my appreciation for what your family is doing at this difficult time.

Jane
Madeline 1/20/03
Emily 11/29/05
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http://b1.lilypie.com/-FG1m6/.png

[deannamorrison]

I am coming to all of you for advice as I have found you all to be very warm and intelligent.

I am in a quandary and need help. Right now I work full time and care for my two young children. My husband is currently deployed and will be gone until 5/08.

I've been at my job for over a year. During the first year I was on a training team where I loved the management team and had a lot of success. A month ago I transferred to the main floor and a new team.The manager is ok as are the teammates(although I have to admit that I see how clique-y things are and it annoys me) but success is elusive to me. During January, I was out quite a bit due to pneumonia and my girls' illnesses. It was my worst month ever saleswise. This past week was difficult as well. On Monday, my car would not start and I was late.On Tuesday I was out to care for a sick child. On Thursday I was late as I had to arrange childcare for my sick child. It just seems like everything is happening at once! During 2006, nothing ever happened. The kids were never sick, I was never sick. Life was good

Well, another thing that happened when I hit the main floor was that my commission structure changed. My paychecks have been dismal as of late. I tell myself that this is because I have been ill. But I'm scared that things will not change.

Daycare is very, very pricey here. And my husband is very stingy and does not like to hand out money. I am struggling to pay my half of daycare and support the household(DH pays rent , the car payment and his half of daycare..but he is also making three times as much as I am and the military pays our rent).

Part of me wants to leave work and be with my kids full time until DH comes back. I am sick of the mad morning rush, calling into work when kids are sick, doing a bad job when I am at work because I am worried about the housework or the kids or the dog.

The other part of me, though,knows that I am not cut out to be a sahm. I worked really hard to build a book of business this year and would hate to let it go. Also, my dh and I do not have the best marriage and my career is my only leverage.

I am so torn. I want to do right by my kids but it seems like I'm working to pay the babysitter at this point.Should I give the job more time?If so, how much?

[coachkath]

I agree that you need to think things over. However, something Oprah or she paraphrased it, said, that first God comes whispering in your ear and if you don't hear it, he speaks louder until he gets your attention. Sounds to me like you and your kids being sick, car not starting, cut pay, etc - someone is trying to tell you something and the voice is getting louder. Stop and listen to what that something is. I feel for you. I am a Semi SAHM and for a while I didn't want to go back to work at all, and now I'm torn b/c I'd like to work full-time but have put my priority into being there for my DD first. I'm convinced there's a happy medium. And I'm putting it out there, and although what I want may not come right away, I'm willing to slow down and do 'First things First' and be patient and listen. The right thing will come when the time is right. Sounds like the timing is a bit off right now for this job. Maybe you're not meant to be a SAHM but don't jump into or out of anything right away. If you do need to stay home for a bit, use it to your advantage, and know that it's only temporary.
Hugs and warm thoughts your way,
Kathy