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  1. #1
    vikivoly Guest

    Default Private Domestic Adoption - helping a friend

    A friend has given me letters to send out to perspective mothers looking for a couple to adopt. I don't know of anyone in that situation, but would like to forward the letters to people who might know someone who's looking for people to adopt. (I hope I'm making sense.) I thought about sending them to teachers and churches, but I'm not sure. Does anyone have any suggestions? Anything I can do to help her?

    Also, as a friend, any suggestions for discussing such a sensitive topic. I've been trying to be as candid as possible because that's how I normally am with her. I don't want her to think I'm dancing around the subject and what to be "real" because I think that's what she expects from me, but are there any hot buttons I should avoid? Things I just shouldn't say?

    Thanks in advance for any advice.

  2. #2
    smkinc is offline Silver level (200+ posts)
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    Default RE: Private Domestic Adoption - helping a friend

    In our domestic adoption, we were counseled to tell all of our friends that we were adopting--in order to network to find a prospective Birth-mom. I'm sure this is why your friend gave you the letters. I would give one to your OB, teachers you know personally and if you're a member of a church, to the pastor. It would also be helpful to basically tell everyone you know that you have a friend who is looking to adopt.--Your friend is trying to reach as many people as she can in order to find someone who is in need of an adoptive family--and this would be a good way to help her. I wouldn't send to places where you have no personal connection--they'll likely end up given little consideration.

    We didn't go as far as to send out letters because we were going through an agency. However my Mom, sister's and very good friends all asked their OBs and told all of their friends about our situation. We became aware of a few situations, however they all decided to parent.

    As far as interacting with your friend--
    Continue to be real, that is what your friend needs from you and frankly when my friends said something that hit a hot button, I told them. You may just want to tell your friend that you're there for her and want to help in anyway you can. That you're concerned you may say something that bothers her--and that she should feel comfortable telling you if you've put your foot in your mouth.

    Specifics from my experience:
    My mom informed me after DS was placed that everyone told her it would be almost impossible to find a baby (OB, Priest, etc)--She did NOT share this with me until after we had a child (yay mom! :) )--it would have caused a lot of anxiety and depression about the whole process. So if you hear any of these things, DO NOT share them, it will not help the situation. (BTW our son was placed ~9 months after we started the process)

    Off the top of my head, the one specific hot button topic to avoid is statements inferring adoption is the 'easy' way to have a child. Adoption is not an easy process--emotionally or finacially.

    HTH,

    Mary
    Mom to Jeremiah 2/4/03

  3. #3
    Join Date
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    Default RE: Private Domestic Adoption - helping a friend

    ....Off the top of my head, the one specific hot button topic to avoid is statements inferring adoption is the 'easy' way to have a child. Adoption is not an easy process--emotionally or finacially.....

    Oh my goodness!! People really think this? Actually, I realize they do, it just seems to amazing to me.

    Beth

    Josh 3/90
    Mollie 4/92
    Jeffrey 12/94
    and Katherine 6/03

    http://lilypie.com/baby2/030604/3/4/1/-5/.png

  4. #4
    icunurse is offline Emerald level (3000+ posts)
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    Default RE: Private Domestic Adoption - helping a friend

    I agree with the above posters in that you should share the info (if you are comfortable with that) with OB's, teachers, friends....anyone else who you think might come across "a possibility".
    As far as how to treat her - it really depends on how your friend is handling the adoption process. It seems that especially in cases of infertility, people are so happy to finally have a plan that *will* work, they want to be included in all things baby (maybe not every second of every day, but enough that recognizes that they are going to be a mom, too). I know that, for me, it felt good to be included in conversations about baby stuff (like which formulas to use, clothing, names, etc.), but I felt left out when people would only talk about pregnancy. I remember one time at lunch people were telling all this baby advice to the 2 pregnant women in the unit and, almost as an afterthought, they said,"oh, yeah...you can use this, too" even though we were matched and "due" in mere days. Also,when her child does arrive, treat them just like any other new parent - they will be tired, emotional, frazzled, etc. I can't tell you how much we appreciated it when people brought over a simple meal or sent a card.
    It sounds like you're doing a great job just by showing interest and supporting her.
    Traci
    ~Connor's Mom~

  5. #5
    Join Date
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    Phoenix, AZ.
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    Default RE: Private Domestic Adoption - helping a friend

    I would like to share a happy story. SIL had a friend who couldn't have children. They told everyone that they were looking. About a year later a her ob gyn nurse called them saying that they needed to get down to the hospital RIGHT NOW. They had a teen mom needing a home for her baby that was born two hours ago. Two days later they brought their baby girl home!!! Luckily they are from a large family because they had nothing ready. Sometimes living in a small town does have advantages with red tape.

    So I guess the moral of the story is you never can tell too many people because sometimes it does work! I wouldn't suggest this as the only option, but it can't hurt to try.

    Karin and Katie 10/24/02

  6. #6
    ghs517 Guest

    Default RE: Private Domestic Adoption - helping a friend

    Our adoption was through an agency, and so I have no advice about the letters. It sounds like others' ideas above are right on target!

    As for "hot buttons," I agree that it's preferable to discuss baby things rather than simply pregnancy things. Plans for nurseries, clothes, diapers, etc., are universal to both of you.

    The topic which bothers me most is when people ask about my daughter's "mom" or "real mom" or about specific information on her birthmother, which we keep private. She has a mom -- me -- and a birthmom.

    Best of luck to you and your friend!

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