Saving a child- question

[jubilee]

Another post made me think about my thoughts that adoption "saves a child". I never realized that thought was wrong, so please tell me why it is. I really want to know, and I won't be hurt by your response.

[crl]

My thoughts: The idea that you are "saving" the child can imply some sort of favor that should be repaid. Some adults who were adopted children report feeling extra pressure to be good because they were "saved" from an orphanage, etc. This can keep the child from feeling like they are really part of the family. You'll see some adoptive parents express great relief when their adopted child first begins to misbehave because it suggests a level of security with the new family.

(You may see similar discussions on calling an adopted child "lucky" in reference to his or her adoption.)

I hope others will add their thoughts and I really appreciate that you asked this question!

[hjdong]

I just wanted to add that I agree with Catherine on the terminology "saving" a child. It kind of discounts adoption as a way to huild a family. That's not to say that many loving, happy families weren't begun with exactly that feeling on the parents' paret (particularly in regards to the children adopted from South Korea after the war). However, I think it was from their overall experience and feelings about this term that cause it to be phased out. Again, not that they weren't part of loving families.

However, I think that saying a child is "lucky" doesn't offend me as long as it is also recognized that the parents are "lucky" as well.

JMO

[Dscvrlifewith3]

Adoptive parents aren't heros. They are parents, just like biological ones. As another poster said, it puts pressure on the child, especially emotionally. This is seen a great deal with foster or older placement adoption. Some adoptees have expressed that the idea that they were "saved" as insulting. Some feel they did not need to be "saved", even from the worst conditions, and they wanted to remain with their biological families.

One of my children is adopted, he has special circumstances and needs that have to be addressed. I hate when doctors and people who know us casually talk about how "we saved him". The thing is, we didn't look to save anyone, we just wanted a child, and we chose to adopt him.

[icunurse]

Like the other posters have nicely pointed out, adopting isn't a "mercy mission", an attempt to "save" a child from a cruel, horrible existence. It's a desire to be a parent and raise a child, as well as a selfless act of love (much like a biological parent, much like many birthparents when they place their child for adoption or turn them over to a safe place, orphanage, or even the state when they know they just can't do it). In a lot of cases, both domestic and international, many people/couples are waiting for a child and if you decided not to parent them, someone else would. After many years of infertility, pregnancy failures, heartache, and longing, I can honestly say to people that is is more likely that *I* was "saved" rather than my son.
Traci
~Connor's Mom~

[malie]

Julie,
Since I wrote the post I'll answer. I don't think that the desire to "save" a child is the wrong motivation to start an adoption. In fact I think that many many many people who might be able to become pregnant are drawn to adoption with that motivation. Still once a child is home and in your house and often long before that the inital pull becomes different it becomes more about parenting.

Think of it this way, if your child asks you "why did you adopt me?" Most parents would not answer I adopted you to save you from the life you would have in your birth country or within foster care. Yet there are people whose attitude is still "I'm doing it to save this child", not to love this child. I just feel really strongly that by the time you are accepting a referral, the overwhelming desire to love a child is a much more important then whether you have saved a child from some other life. Does that make sense?

I can tell you without a doubt that I have never read any post on this board that I would say has the attitude I was referring to (but I have read it in other places and I wonder 5 or 10 years from now how the adoption is going to work when the attitude of the parents seems to be they are doing some great service by adopting.

I hope that makes sense. I'm sorry I wasn't clearer in my first post.

[NEVE and TRISTAN]

I always feel weird when folks say "Oh you'll be saving the children", I am not offended by it for they haven't thought thru it, but it does make me want to say "no they are saving me" :)....though I don't feel that the correct thing to say either.

I have to say though that at times I do feel like I should take a referral that could benefit from what my family can supply that maybe others can not. Though I know I wouldn't use the term the "save" when the child is home but I know with our insurance and that we live within an hour of two of the best hospitals in the country and my extensive work in a hospital that maybe this is a route we should go. Would one describe that thought as possibly "saving" probably...I don't but if we go down this path I assume I will hear that often and do not expect to live life with my panties in a wad over it...

I also have thought to seek Roma (Gypsy) or Tartar children, they are treated badly in many parts of Eastern Europe...friends have returned and have cited words from oprhange directors to describe these children that make me cry...again if I seek a child such as this and that is known how EE treats these children (people) then the word "save" might come up...

Anyway I am not really answering your question but stating where you can see why the general public could be so naive...




Neve and Tristan born Feb 25, 2003
***********************************
EDD with #2 March 18, 2005
heartbeat and "looking great" so far
************************************
Traveling in Jan insearch of the rest of our family-adopting in Ukraine
***********

[jubilee]

Thank you all for your very thoughtful answers.

I should mentioned that my dad is adopted, and he also feels he wasn't "saved" but that is because he was raised without love.

Again, I'm glad I have you all to help me straighten out my thinking! :) It challenges me to be a better person and parent.

[Melanie]

I know it is a thought I've had from time to time ("if *we* or *someone* doesn't adopt them, then what will their life be like?"). I also read some good advice which said if that is the only reason you want to adopt (to "save a child") you should not, because that feeling will wear off quickly and then what?

[NEVE and TRISTAN]

and this is by no means directed at anyone...just a thought to the world about how I feel about this...so again this has nothing to do with any responses in this community...I am thinking out loud and have some thoughts, and actually hoped it to be more uniting for adoptive parents...

I kind of cringe at the "the feeling will wear off quickly"...and hope maybe the feeling to save might wear off but that the feeling of being a parent takes over...
I mean we are talking about children here not a sofa and our current decor!!!!!!

With that said, this thread has lingered on my mind some...and I guess I have a problem with possibly standing

in WalMart and seeing 4 out of 10 women in line pregnant and then at the least 1 out of the ten (me) adopting and that for some reason my intentions would be put under a microscope more than these gals carrying a child.
I'm not saying what I mean to correctly that I know...but I guess I am uneasy with a simple word being over analyzed by folks about people with strong desires (and huge efforts in the process) vs folks who have children biologically.

I think adoptive parents need to support eachother and not look for cracks in their foundation (unless highly warrented) that question their motives, or even supply blanket statements to how they feel if their thoughts started off as "saving" anyone. I will gladly admit that at times I have felt I will seek children that would not be sought by others due to race especially...and I dare anyone question my motives...

I think many folks are giving and good in nature...these are the folks who have probably "saved" many in life...they are usually non judging, able to accept diversity, helpful folks...it wouldn't suprise me in the least if they are the same folks who would seek adoption, while maybe others only want a cookie cutter image of themselves in the house (and I have seen and heard frist hand this sort of thing often)...

I can only speak for myself...and will not even begin to think that anyone else shares this view...but I can say I'd be damned if I EVER let anyone critque my intentions to adopt based on a word like "save"...I (speaking for myself) refuse to be held to any different standard this go around as oppsoed to my decision to conceive. I can only assume if I wasn't able to have a child biologically my panties would be more in a bunch if I was looked at under a microscope by "advice" giving people.

Our income wasn't looked at by a stranger (homestudy) when we decided to do the act that creates a child biologically
Our house payment wasn't looked at by a stranger when we decided to do the act that creates a child biologically.
Our marriage wasn't looked at...
Our criminal record wasn't looked at
Our home size wasn't looked at
OUr family wasn't looked at

I mean we are held to different standards due to that process...I don't care for the population to hold me to a standard anymore than a mom in the lounge announcing she is pregnant...how do we know anyones motives or reasons?????

I trust folks know what they want when they chose to have a child, I hope for the best of folks and their intentions and don't want the population snooping around in my closet looking for something to find fault in with all of their "advice" on any adoptive parents intentions...


Neve and Tristan born Feb 25, 2003
***********************************
EDD with #2 March 18, 2005
heartbeat and "looking great" so far
************************************
Traveling in Jan insearch of the rest of our family-adopting in Ukraine
***********