Five Reasons to Stop Saying "Good Job!"

[jennifer_r]

This article is a bit old but it has a lot of good points (forgive me if this has been posted before but I just discovered it). Einstein Never Used Flashcards discusses how praising can often backfire but I think this article actually gives you better pointers as to how to stop saying "Good Job" or other praise (I've really been struggling with this!).

http://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/gj.htm


Jennifer

Mom to:
Christopher 12/29/89
Adelaide 8/23/04
Bronwyn 11/9/05

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[mamalia]

Thank you for sharing this article, it had the most info I'd seen on the "why" behind not using praise. I also thought it was great because there were suggestions on what to say instead, I thought it was so frustraing to be told "don't say this" and then be offered little suggestions on what to replace with. I'm not trying to start a hostile debate...but I am interested in hearing what you all think about this subject. Any experts in child development? BTDT advice?

As for me - I'm no expert but it seems alien to me to not give any praise. Even though I've heard of this before...and agree that I don't want to create a "praise junky"...I still find myself praising my DD.

Wouldn't you create children who don't know how proud their parents are of them if you don't? I'm half Japanese and culturally praise, affection, etc are pretty limited which I think actually causes problems.

Also I have to admit to what the article refers to as "manipulating" DD by telling her "good job" when she does something I want her to continue to do like shares or washes her hands. I think of it as the natural opposite to the admonishments she gets when she does something "bad" like throwing her food on the ground or hitting. She's not truly good or bad in either case, she's just learning what is appropriate and acceptable behavior and what is not. In addition to the praise or admonishment she also gets an explanation. So while I try not to go overboard on the praise (I've seen praise junkies and I don't want DD to be one), I also don't try to avoid praise entirely. Do others skip the praise entirely and just stick to explanations?

Malia (DD is 19 months)

[brittone2]

I like Alfie Kohn as well.

We try to not "praise" DS a whole lot. Sure, we do it, but once you get into a different mindset, it isn't that hard to use more objective and fewer subjective comments IMO. I haven't read the articles above yet, but some ideas that I've read about that we use are

-if DS paints a picture, we usually ask him about it. What colors did he use? I may comment that he spent a lot of time working on it. We ask him to tell us about it. He seems to get plenty of pleasure out of that kind of experience vs. us telling him how "beautiful" his painting is for example.

-He'll often run to us and tell us he did xyz by himself. We usually say, "do you feel proud?". Or, "it feels good to do things for yourself doesn't it?" I suppose those things are judgment on some level but I think they are at least a bit more objective than other comments we could make.

-In general, just comment on *what* you see rather than making *judgements* about what you are observing.

It seemed weird to me at first since DH and I were raised in "praise" filled households, but I think there's a lot of value to Alfie Kohn's thoughts. We certainly do praise DS sometimes, but we try to not make that the bulk of what we say. My biggest motivator is that I want him to feel safe about taking risks/trying and "failing" in some way vs. taking the "safe" route in life which might be easier and praise-filled. JMO. That's just *my* personal view of it...not trying to step on toes of anyone w/ a different opinion.

I grew up in a praise kinda house and I don't think I'm scarred or anything ;) I do think I sometimes hesitated to take risks to a degree because I was the "good" kid. My parents still do the praise thing constantly w/ DS and now it drives Dh and I nutty. (everything is "good boy" etc. and it makes me nuts, but they are wonderful grandparents in every other way so I don't say anything ;) )

ETA: I think you can share their enthusiasm by showing an interest in what they did/are doing. I don't think that conveys a cold or uncaring parental attitude. Totally acting disinterested rather than praising would be problem, but making eye contact and letting your child tell you about their accomplishments IMO is a very effective way of sharing your excitement w/ your child without necessarily "praising" their accomplishments.

[Piglet]

That was an interesting read, but I am a bit bothered by it at the same time. I recently heard of another parenting workshop that was put on in my area that suggested the 80-20 (or 90-10) rule of positive to negative reinforcement. You should try to speak positively 80/90% of the time and limit your negative to 10/20% of the time. I am sure this suggestion is not foreign, but it is a hard one to work on when you are dealing with a challenging toddler! Now my problem is that when I think of 80%, I assume that praise is a good part of that. How else do you counteract the seemingly challenging aspect of parenting that brings us to be "negative", nagging, etc. 20% of the time? Does that make sense?

[dogmom]

On point one she says that it is manipulating children and:
"Suppose you offer a verbal reward to reinforce the behavior of a two-year-old who eats without spilling, or a five-year-old who cleans up her art supplies. Who benefits from this? Is it possible that telling kids they’ve done a good job may have less to do with their emotional needs than with our convenience?

Heck Yeh! and what's wrong with that? And exactly what long, in depth conversation am I going to have with my son about potty training or not spilling something all over the place? An yeah, he's a praise junky about potty training, when he's not trying to avoid me because he doesn't want to stop what he is doing to go to the potty. Certainly beats yelling at him for wetting his pants. And, yes, my DH and I have gotten "Good job at pooping!" from DS.

I mean I get her points, but I'm still going to use good job. When I thank my husband for taking out the trash we both know it is not about praise so much as acknowledging it is his chore, he shouldn't really be thanked for doing it, but some times he really doesn't want to and that's when I thank him.

Jeanne
Mom to Harvey
1/16/03
& Eve 6/18/06

[mommd]

I think these things put way too much importance on how things we say affect children. Seriously, I don't understand how saying "good job" is going to scar my children for life. Seems a little over the top to me. So far, we are told not to say "no", not to say "good job", not to say "good girl." Honestly, I don't think these things have that big of an affect on kids.

You can still encourage your child and help them feel proud of their accomplishments even if you say good job. You can explain why they should not do things even after saying no. It's not an all or none deal. Just my two cents.

[lmintzer]

No time for a huge response here, but not what we are taught in "psychology school!" Praise is great, and you can't really give too much of it. Of course, it has to take place in a context where there is appropriate limit setting and age-appropriate expectations. Praise itself does not cause problems. There's NOTHING wrong with my 5 year-old saying, "I'm a good cleaner-upper. I'm the best cleaner-upper in the house." Which is totally true, btw. And he should feel he's accomplished something and that we're proud every time he picks up a big mess. IMO, praising a child is the first step in the development of good sense of self. They do something you find praise-worthy, you reflect their nascent sense of pride about it, they internalize your "bigger" reaction, and there you have it--the fledgling positive sense of self.

One really important tip is to remember to praise WHAT they do and not who they are. I was taught that you should say, "Good job cleaning up," and not "Good boy. You cleaned up." What you don't want is for a kid to feel like his/her sense of self worth is determined by actions such as how well one shared toys in any one instance, if one pees on the potty, etc.

Sorry--gotta run for bath time.

[KBecks]

I like the article, I think I read it a while ago, and I also read Magda Gerber's The Self-Confident Child.

I try to use "you did it!", and it's pretty cute, because when I say it, Alek claps his hands for himself.

I do use good job once in a while too, sometimes it just spills out.

I think both the article and book were helpful, and it was good for me to read the article again, thanks.

[Aunt to sweet baby boy]

I think the problem is when children are praised for everything and so often that they expect praise for taking a bite of food or sitting down when they were told to. Not that those things are not good or anything but there is a point and when it gets crossed children have trouble. Rather than telling avi he is a good boy when he helped to clean up i tell him thanks for helping to clean, or whatever it is. I do also tell him he did a "good job" but i try not to. I really try to encourage the behavior rather than saying that he is good/bad.

JMHO

As a side note avi is only 2 and i think that alot of these praise issues start at his age and just increase as children get older.

Ilana, aka Nana to my sweet nephew Avi

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[oliviasmomma]

This is a big topic in our household right now. DH and I just naturally don't seem to praise much--not because we had a certain philosophy in mind, we just don't. It is funny, though, because if you'd asked me two weeks ago if I thought praise was important, I would have said of course. It wasn't until I read some posts on MDC that I realized how little we actually praise DD and that there might be other reasons for not doing it. There is a lot to be said for leaving room for your child to have their own experience and although I understand the need for feedback, there is also a need to process things internally.


The biggest reason for me to try to avoid praising all the time is that when I say "good job" or something like it, DD's experience is no longer about her, but about my experience of her experience. To me it is similar to when someone tells you about their bad day and you immediately respond with a story of your own--it changes the focus from them to you. I've also noticed that if I praise what she is doing at times, it seems to interrupt the flow of activity. When DD does big stuff, we usually respond with things like "Look at you!".

Of course, in 25 years DD will be telling me how not praising her was bad in some way...