Five Reasons to Stop Saying "Good Job!"

[pinkmomagain]

While I have a one year old dd, I also have 10 yo and 7 yo daughters...so I thought I'd offer my opinion for what it is worth.

I've given my share of praise over the years (some of it empty, some not) and "good job" is pretty much engrained (sp?) in my everyday vocabulary. And I find that my two oldest really do have a hard time out in the "real world" with making mistakes in school, or not being so great at sports, etc. They take it quite hard. I am really working on focusing on effort with them, and I think they are coming along, but I think if I pulled back on the praise as they were growing up they might have different attitudes now about trying new things, or participating in things that they might not be the best at, or realizing it's ok to have trouble grasping a concept at school, etc.

JMHO,

Gina

[denna]

Thanks Jennifer for posting this. I thought that it was very interesting and I even forwarded it to some of my friends who are expecting.

I think the article made a lot of good points. Sometimes it got a little redundant and 'wordy', sort-of like they were trying to throw some 'fillers' in. But all in all I thought it made a very good point. Too much of anything is never good, and saying 'good job' all the time will make the praise meaningless to your DCs and eventually they will get bored w/ the task at hand. However if you provide praise for what they do specifically it gives them more sense of accomplish, and they will not always look for that approval.

The example w/ the class I found very interesting, I have seen it many times where students do not assert themselves or show confidence in their answers.

Thanks again for the good read.

[brittone2]

ITA.

[kransden]

LOL! This has given me pause to reflect on my marriage of 14 years. My DH must have been raised as a praise junky. Every little thing he does he tells me, and I am expected to acknowledge it. It drives me crazy. Now I know why! I am not going to stop praising my dd, but I think I might start becoming a little more selective on what I praise.

Karin and Katie 10/24/02

[JacksMommy]

Gosh, I don't think the author is suggesting that we ought not to be proud of our children, or excited about their accomplishments, or robotic in our responses to them! For me, saying "good job" or "beautiful picture!" each and every time my DC paint a picture, complete a task, etc, is more robotic than me taking the time to think of a comment that reflects more on their accomplishment, such as "Wow! You used a lot of red in this picture, but in that one you used more blue!" or "You are helping to keep our house clean when you clear your plate!" With a little effort, I can gush and say these things just as enthusiastically as "Good job!"

I've noticed that when I tell DS that his picture is great, he will then continuously ask me "Is this good? Do you like this? Is this a good one?" It makes me notice how important my opinion is to him and that I don't want to abuse that lightly by randomly praising everything he does. I try to be thoughtful in my praise and enthusiasm and am rewarded by his increasing pride in his own accomplishments without needing my feedback.

Just my two cents.

Laurel
Mama to Jack 6/02 and Maddy 12/04

Babywearing education in Napa, CA

[randomkid]

This is an interesting article, but I do have to take issue on a few points.

First of all, it isn't specific enough regarding the age at which you take this approach. I really don't think my 21 month old will benefit from "You used a lot of purple today" when that is the only color she uses. Also, they have to learn right from wrong and good from bad before these concepts could work. I know tone of voice has a lot to do with it, but teaching proper wording has to take place somehow. When our children are so young, they only get a few of the words. This statement in her article makes me question at what age she is suggesting to start with this:

"To be sure, there are times when our evaluations are appropriate and our guidance is necessary -- especially with toddlers and preschoolers."

When DD gets frustrated/upset as the result of something she did, she will sometimes start hitting me (entering the twos and she knows it's not allowed). I tell her to stop hitting and I say, "you did it, not me. Don't hit me." I'm using "You did it", but in a different context. I want her to understand that she has influence over her own consequences, good or bad. Therefore, I don't agree that "you did it" is such a good response. What does that tell your DC? So, they did it. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

Now, I do agree that it is important to take this approach with older children - with praise and with punishment. I have two stepdaughters and we have always done this since they were old enough to understand and respond. We ask how they feel about it, what the consequences or rewards are, etc. At the same time, we tell them that they are doing great and that we are proud of them. Kids need that. I think the article is too unclear in that it makes it sound as though "Good job" is a harmful thing to say. It needs to be made clear that it just shouldn't be the only thing. All those other suggestions should go along with the traditional type of praise, IMO. If you only say catch phrases and don't expand on it or have the child actively involved, then I agree with some of the article and the possible results of that. However, I really don't expect my 21 month old to be able to respond when I ask her "So, how does that make you feel?" What? That's just not going to work. I tell DD thank you a lot for what she does, I praise her when she does well and I let her know when her behavior is not acceptable. She needs that guidance now and when she is older, we will add in other aspects of praise and self assessment.

[mamalia]

Just wanted to say I've been enjoying reading all of your posts - on both sides of the fence. Good points about the age thing - the article really glossed over that and so did I. DD is quite young so I'm sure my commentary will change as she gets older.

Malia

[mamalia]

Enjoyed reading this Beth, thanks! I'm going to make an effort to call attention to how DD feels when she accomplishes something - it should also help add to her vocabulary! I hear you on wanting to raise a risk-taker. What I struggle with is fearing they will take it to the extreme...DH and I have been blessed in a lot of ways by (relatively) following the "straight and narrow."

Malia

[mamalia]

Interesting, didn't take any psych classes but this is what my "gut instinct" was telling me. Thanks for posting.

Malia

[mamalia]

This is great thanks!! I strongly believe intelligence is flexible and definitely want to teach that to DD. I don't know if anyone will see this but what exactly would praising effort look like? I can see a comment like "You're such a smart girl" would be static. Although to be honest we use this and I still plan to throw it in here and there because of course I think she is. ;) But can someone give me some examples of the other so this clicks for me?

Thanks!
Malia