When you and DP differ on child-rearing philosophies...

[jenjenfirenjen]

...what do you do? The "Stop Saying Good Job" thread got me thinking about this one. I am a SAHM and take my job very seriously. DH tends to defer to my judgement on most parenting issues and takes my seeminly constant "corrections" to his parenting strategies pretty well. But we really do differ on some child-rearing philosophies.

For instance, I have taken issue with him saying "bad DS" to our toddler. It doesn't happen often but I've always asked him not to say that when it does (to which he rolls his eyes...whole lot of childish stuff in this household.) I can just imagine if I told him to stop praising DS so much.

There are lots of other things I do as a parent that I know, if DH was a SAHD, would do differently (mostly AP/natural living things.) It has not been a big issue for us, since as I said, he tends to just let me run the show. But I do wish we could be more a unified front and that I could get a little more support from him in my parenting choices.

So, I'm wondering, do you and DP tend to agree on parenting philosophies/strategies and if not, how do you handle that?

[Lovingliv]

We actually do agree on most things. The things that we differ on, we talk about. If I feel extremely strong about something, and can put up a good arguement we reconsider. Same goes for him. Sometimes we end up in a stalemate and will research it to decide what is best.

Our jobs as parents is to do it a little better than our parents did...and go from there!

[maestramommy]

For now we generally do. I think we disagree on spanking. I want to avoid it if at all possible, Dh thinks there are times when it can be used effectively without negatives. But I think our disagreement comes from our very different experiences with spanking in our childhood. And for now it simply isn't an issue because Dora's not at the point where the question of spanking has come up. Other than that I think Dh defers to me simply by default because I'm a SAHM.

[kaylinsmommy2]

DH and I disagree on things like that, too. I try to not nag DH, but I do. But note that these are small differences of parenting strategies. Differences in bigger issues (spanking, allowance, paying for college, ect) would warrent a real conversation about values and importance. Does that make sense?

Caroline
mommy to Kaylin 6/5/04

http://tickers.baby-gaga.com/t/bunbunadb20040605_-9_Kaylin+is+now.png[/img][/url]

and one on the way, due 2/26/07

[madelinesmom]

We really went through the DH defers to me and still do in alot of ways, but we recently went though the "bad girl" thing... I didn't say anything at the time of course and then later talked to him about it... I try really hard not to be the "I am right, you are wrong" mother and usually we discuss it and he usually sees where he is wrong...
I think "we" parent like "I" parent, make sense? For now I am fine with that... When they get older, we will see... I usually feel like I am flying by the seat of my pants...

Jane
Madeline and Emily's Mom
1/20/03 11/29/05

[Moneypenny]

We agree on all the biggies. He is the SAHP and has great parenting instincts. I, however, do the research. If we do disagree on something, we talk about it until he realizes I'm right, LOL. (Actually, I'm not kidding.)
Susan
mama to my cutie pie, Avery
http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_sapphire_24m.gif[/img][/url]

[candybomiller]

I've come to accept the fact that DH and I parent differently. Matt knows it too. If DH does something I don't approve of, we talk it over and he rethinks his position.

Our big issue has been with spanking. He spanked Matt once and I told him if he ever did it again, Matt and I were leaving and wouldn't be back. I don't care what the reason is, there's no excuse for striking another human being.

[holliam]

Honestly, I don't think I'd deal well if we didn't agree on parenting philosophies. But, luckily, DH and I are in sync. We both attend AP meetings, he's a SAHD, and we both read a lot. We also talk a lot about how to approach something when DD exhibits a new behavior or change.

I know many, many people can be married to people with whom they do not share fundamental beliefs (spiritual, political, parenting, etc.) but I fully admit I am not one of them. DH and I are so fundamentally alike even though we view and react to the world very differently. We often joke that we share a brain.

Holli

[aliceinwonderland]

Not in philosophies as such, but on practical stuff we do. How/where DS will spend next summer is the big disagreement of the day, for example.

[californiagirl]

We mostly agree on philosophy. He's not always sure about the strategies, and when he is sure he often has trouble actually doing it.

I don't correct him in the moment if I can help it. (i.e., there was one 5 am incident where he yelled at the top of his voice, she burst into tears, and I said "I agree with her completely", and she and I tearily left the room -- nobody's best moment-- but mostly I leave it be until later unless I can think of a non-confrontational way that won't be evident to DD). It's hard, because he actually learns best from seeing something work, but maybe, just maybe, eventually he'll learn that I give him slack when he's too upset to hear something and he needs to do the same for DD. His conscious mind is completely, entirely opposed to parenting the way he was parented, but the unconscious voices are very strong, and they say the stupidest things. (Like "Crying because you didn't get what you want is inappropriate". Well, yeah. But she's 2.5 -- that's not a reasonable place to draw that line. I'm good with crying, as long as we avoid shrieking, throwing things, and hitting or biting anything animate, which, frankly, she's only about 90% on.)

I try to present arguments he understands -- analogies with how he'd feel, for instance. Mostly it works, in that he agrees with me, but some things he just has immense trouble *doing*.