When you and DP differ on child-rearing philosophies...

[trumansmom]

We disagree a LOT. DH is very old school and thinks that's okay. I disagree with many of the things he says and does. Usually, if I explain why, he changes. However, sometimes he doesn't. That used ot bother me a lot, but not as much any more. The long and short of it is that my children know they are intensely loved. If we screw up and make some bad parenting choices, well, that's a given. As long as we make our choices out of love for our child, I'm willing to gamble that things will turn out okay in the end.

In fact, I'm willing to venture that the number of mistakes we make are pretty darn equal to everyone else. It's just that the choices, and mistakes, are different ones.

Jeanne
Mom to Truman 11/01 and Eleanor 4/04

[Zana]

We disagree a lot too...mostly because I'm out researching the latest stuff an DH is all about 'well it worked for our parents'...but I've come to the thinking (personally, for our situation) that child-rearing is not all about the latest research and sometimes you just go with the flow based on your kids and their personalities and yours('stop saying good job thread' for example). Also in our situation, since we are not originally from here a lot of stuff that I read or may think interesting to implement does not necessarily go with our cultural background. DH and I tend to do a lot better when pick my battles on what I consider REALLY important.

[kozachka]

With an exeption of couple article that I e-mailed to him DH has not read about parenting but most of the time he either knows intuitively what to do or agrees with my researched approach. It's becoming harder as 1) DS got older and is exposed to more things that I oppose, and 2) I went back to work. I am having more trouble explaining to DH whose parents used to put him in front of TV every Saturday morning why a certain cartoon (Disney's Jungle, 1+ hr long) is not OK for DS to watch, while another one (Karlson, 20 mins) is fine. Explaining things like that works but we are having real disagreement over some other issues such as use of babysitters (DH is pushing for more 'couple time' than I am comfortable with) that are seriously effecting our relationship.

[psophia17]

We had a discussion about this ages ago, when we moved in with the ILs the first time and I was having huge issues being the SAHM with absolutely no authority over squat when anyone else was home...

What worked was for me to emphasize that as SAHM, it is my job to figure out how best to deal with parenting things, from eating to discipline right on down the line, and whether he (or the ILs) agree with me makes no difference - for DS's sake, we all have to be on the same page.

We still have a lot of disagreements on discipline, especially as DS gets older and craftier, but for the most part DH defers to me on the assumption I've dealt with whatever behavior before, and might know something that works.

[brittone2]

We're very much in sync. When I was pg and first got interested in attachment parenting, etc. I figured DH would think I was nuts ;) because he was raised very, very differently than that type of approach. We talked a lot about parenting before DS was born, and we quickly found ourselves in agreement on the important stuff.

I get a chance to read more about psychology, child development, etc. than he does and I also have a professional background that encompasses some of that. We talk over things regularly and he shows a genuine interest in what we talk about. If it is something particularly interesting, he asks me to send him links, information, etc. and he'll read it on his own or we'll take time and talk about it. I really enjoy that aspect of things.

I think it would be hard for me if my spouse and I differed on the big stuff. Very hard. I think kids are adaptable and can handle differing approaches though, within reason.

Our overall parenting philosophy is very much the same, but sometimes we execute the practical aspect a bit differently. If either of us struggles with how to handle a specific behavior, etc. we often talk about it afterward and try to come up w/ an approach to use next time.

[aa2mama]

Honestly, this is a huge issue for us as we have very different philosophies. I had no idea how different they were until DS was born. DH thought DS should sleep through the night from day one and wanted me to just let him cry it out from the beginning. I fought him so much just to be able to go in and comfort and feed a crying newborn. That kind of set the stage for how things have gone since. I'm rubbing off on DH, but often the things he does drive me crazy.

I recently tried to get him to read a book that really sums up my parenting philosophy. He started reading it but declared that he just couldn't get into it and returned it to the library. Now I'm really not sure where to go from here. If he does something that I don't agree with, I try to wait until DS is out of earshot and talk to him about it. I don't have advice, as I have a very difficult time with the situation.

[oliviasmomma]

We generally agree about most things as far as what is and is not okay. We are not spankers (truth be told, if either one of us was to spank it would probably be me even though I am against it. He just has much more patience than I do--but then again I am with DD 24 7 and he gets to leave!), we set up our house so it is a toddler-friendly as possible, and take a developmental approach to parenting. (meaning we think about things in a developmental context--what is she trying to accomplish, how can we create an opportunity to do that in an acceptable way, etc) I've read more, but that is how we are--I read about everything and he just flies by the seat of his pants. It is a wonder how we end up in the same place.

Still, I think there will be disagreements as time goes on since we are both pretty opinionated. The good thing is that neither of us feels totally correct about anything parenting-wise, so we are not afraid to try new things or swich the plan midstream. If DH wanted to handle a situation a certain way, I'd probably go for it, at least for a while, to see what happens. To be fair, DD is still pretty young, so we haven't come to any huge crossroads yet.

[californiagirl]

"How To Listen So Kids Will Talk and Talk So Kids Will Listen" (or maybe it's the other way around, I always forget) is short, practical, and has cartoons. And has more to do with general parenting philosophy than you'd think.

The other one I think I'm about to succeed in getting DH to read is "Time Out for Parents". Again, it's short and it has pictures.

If I say to DH "I think you'll like this one, it's short and it has pictures", he sulks for days. If I say "try this" and hand him something short with pictures, he says "Hey, I think I can cope with this one. It's not so heavy."

As DD gets older, it's gotten a bit easier, because he can see that I'm not making it up when I claim that things are developmental and they will get better.

[aa2mama]

Thanks for the suggestions! I'm writing those down.