OT -- explaining the death of a pet to a 2.5 year old

[Roleysmom]

I need advice from you wise moms. Our cat Ruby just died in front of us. (We also have another cat and a dog.) Ruby has been chronically ill since DD was born and she is used to us giving the cat medicine and knows that we have to be very gentle with Ruby. We just got back from vacation yesterday and while we were gone, Ruby had an especially bad bout and had to be taken to the emergency vet by our housesitter. We had explained to DD that Ruby was sick and might still be at the doctor when we came home. Ruby was doing much better and was able to be home when we got there. We told DD that Ruby was sick but was doing much better. We knew that Ruby's condition was becoming more serious and that we would have to consider surgery or other treatment. I thought we had at least six months or more and I was planning to get DD a book about saying goodbye to a pet.

Ruby died a little while ago while we were all in the living room. She was struggling and something seemed very wrong. As she was struggling and my DH was on the phone with the vet, I started to cry a little bit and told DD that we should give Ruby a pet and say goodbye. She asked where Ruby was going. I said she was very sick and let's pet her to let her know we love her. Then I took DD upstairs. DH is burying Ruby (sorry if TMI) and DD hasn't asked where she is or how she is.

My question is how do I explain what happened? When DD asks where Ruby is, she won't know what it means to say she died. How do I explain that to her? I don't want to lie or avoid the subject or make her feel uncomfortable or give her the idea that she can't ask about this.

I want a short meaningful explanation that isn't scary. At least I think that's what I should do. Any advice on what to say and how to say it would be very helpful. Thanks.


Paula
-- mom to Roley Julia, January 02

[Sarah1]

No advice, Paula, just wanted to say I'm so sorry about your cat!

[LucyG]

Paula,

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss of Ruby. I don't have any advice, but I did want to suggest a children's book called The Tenth Good Thing About Barney. In it, a child remembers his beloved dog. I am almost positive of the title, but I know it's very close if not exact. I've used it with my elementary school students when they've lost pets. Another good one is Cat Heaven (by Cynthia Rylant, I think). I'm drawing a blank on the authors of the first book right now. Again, so sorry for your loss.

[mamahill]

Oh Paula, hugs to you and Roley. I am very sorry for your loss. Are you religious? If so, a simple, "Ruby is in heaven," will do. Or, "When people and animals get very sick, sometimes they have to go away and we can't see them any more." Keeping it simple, but truthful, is the best way. I'll have to make a note of those two books suggested previously, as we have two cats and I'm sure we'll have to deal with this.

Make sure you don't overlook your own grief in trying to tend to Roley. I'm sure this will be even more difficult for you. Hugs, mama, and cry. Ruby sounds like a real trooper. Would you like to share when you adopted Ruby, and some of her finer qualities and stories?

(I ask partly because both of my cats have been mischeivous today, resulting in being banned from inside for the day, but reading your post has made me feel better that I only had to clean up a bunch of cat crap today)

[lukkykatt]

I am so sorry about your cat!!! Our cat died when my older son was 3 and the hardest thing was telling him. We did tell him that our cat was old and had gotten very sick, and had gone to heaven. We told him that now our cat did not feel sick anymore, which made us happy, but that we were sad because we missed him. For a few days, he asked about it, and he still asks about it from time to time even though it is over a year later.

I would tell her what happened, and answer any questions that she has, with only the information that she needs to know. You may want to let her draw a picture for Ruby, or something else that she would want to do.

[lisams]

I am so sorry to hear about your cat, our cats are like children to us, so your story really made my heart sink. I wish I had advice for you but I don't. (((hugs)))

Lisa

[raynjen]

Hugs. I know how hard this is for you... the loss of a pet is a traumatic experience for everyone.

We've only had to explain the loss of fish to our daughter (we had a rather awful moment where one of our fish was consuming another in front of her) and we took a very National Geographic stance - this is part of the natural progression of life - and that sort of thing.

Sending wishes for an easing of your pain...

Jen in Okinawa
Mom to Noelle (2 2/3)
Architect in a previous life!

[Melanie]

I'm so sorry. We lost our cat last year, but Ds was under 2 so it wasn't such an issue. He did ask for her but I think we responded that she was gone or something, he wasn't really ready for a more complex explanation. We were and still are so sad. She was our first baby and the only cat that would let Ds pet her.

My sympathies.

[jubilee]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved cat. How is everyone doing now?

[Roleysmom]

Your advice and warm thoughts really touched me. It's hard to express how much it meant to me to log in and see your words of support.

It's been an interesting journey here. After I posted on Friday night, DH went on the web and searched for advice as well. We decided to talk about how Ruby's body stopped working and that's what it means to die and we will always love and remember her but we won't be able to see her anymore. When DD woke up the next morning and was snuggling with us, we asked her if she remembered yesterday when Ruby was very sick and then we told her using the language above. She started to cry and shout and say that she wanted to go see Ruby and she was going downstairs to see if Ruby was there. That broke my heart. DH and I both started crying and said we were sad and upset too and we could do things to remember Ruby like plant some flowers or draw a picture.

We couldn't find the books mentioned, so we got a Mr. Rogers book, When a Pet Dies. It's a great book. It is very factual but gentle and focuses on the feelings the child may have. We also have a Mr. Rogers book on using the potty that DD loves. We've been reading that book every day. A couple of times DD has said, "Snorkel's here (the dog), Henry's here (the surviving cat) but Ruby's not here." Yesterday, she went up to Henry and said, "Henry, I love you as much as I can" and then gave him a kiss. That touched my heart. She is something else! Poor Henry who lost his best friend, is following us around the house crying all day. (He is, and Ruby was, a Siamese, and very talkative)

Thanks again for all of your thoughts.

Paula-- mom to Roley Julia, January 2002