Advice on handling DH's long hours

[raynjen]

I'm hoping some of you moms are dependent moms like me (married to the military) and can give me some advice...

My husband is heavily involved in the relief efforts for the 'quake stricken countries and, as a result, is working 14 - 18 hour days. He has been leaving before Noelle gets up and coming home after she is asleep. We have been trying to spend lunchtime with him everyday, but that won't work now that she is back in "school".

Her attitude since this started has just gone into a spiral. I am trying to be understanding and have extra patience (which is hard because MY attitude needs a makeover too!), but she is REALLY over reacting to everything. I am trying to remain consistent with my expectations, but how do you stay that way and still give a bit?

Here are some examples of what is happening:

1) getting out of the car yesterday I unbuckle her seat and then go to grab our packages from the trunk I look around to check on her progress and she is collapsed on the floor of the car, sobbing, and saying "I want to go out mommy's door." (that was the beginning of a horrible afternoon),

2) walking through a parking lot I am holding her hand (as always) and she suddenly says, "don't touch me!" and when I reply (as always) "we have to hold hands in the parking lot" she throws herself onto the ground sobbing,

3) we are at lunch and I open our drinks and ask her if she wants it in a cup or in the can and she says the cup... so I pour it in the cup and she starts sobbing that she wants it in the can... so I give her the cup and she sobs some more because it is the 'wrong' cup (hello! we are at a food court and have 3 plastic dixie cups that all look the same!)

She has suddenly discovered the kicking the floor tantrum that I thought was reserved for pre-talkers. I have been "giving her words" to describe her feelings (e.g. I know you are sad because daddy is gone all day) but nothing seems to be helping.

Anyone have any ideas? By the way she acts out a ton when we are with DH too, I'm sure it makes his lunchtime a hassle instead of a relaxing family time, but he has great about it - more understanding than I am. In the past when he has left for periods of time we generally had a specific length of time to work with (i.e. Daddy will be back in 10 days) and I would make her calenders to count down the days, but we have no idea when he will be 'home' again...

Jen in Okinawa
Mom to a wonderful preschooler,
who just turned three, Noelle!

[hjdong]

I don't know if these suggestions are practical/will help, and I haven't been in a similiar situation, but here's a couple of thoughts.

1. Could the two of you go away for some time - kind of get her mind off of it, something fun? Since she's in school, it might only be a weekend, but it might help for that time.

2. Does she know why her dad is working so much (of course, in a rather basic way)? If so, then maybe you could give her some jobs for her to "help" as well. Clean out closets for clothing? Something.

3. Have DH leave her some notes, little presents (crayons, pens, pencils, whatever), things so she knows he's thinking of her during the day and have her make little gifts for him.

I'm really grasping. I feel for you. I hope that was somewhat helpful.

[wendmatt]

Oh Jen
I'm so sorry for you. My DH is actually working less than he did before so dd sees him more, but now she wants him to get her up from naps and if I say he's not here she throws a fit.
Did Noelle go through "terrible 2s"? I thought Em was very good natured but she has been awful these last few days having a tantrum about everything, similar to what you have described. Is it possible it's just a timing thing and she's at "that age"?
Sorry I don't have any advice, just wanted to sympathise. Holly had good ideas. Hope he's back with you properly soon, it's hard being on your own for such a long day (dh is military so I completely understand).

[mamaharsh]

While I'm sure some of it is related to your DH's work, some of it is just being "three". I think sometimes they just can't figure out what they want from one moment to the next and then get frustrated with that. I've experienced scenarios like one and three more often than I'd care to live through. I have no advice, other than to try to be patient with it and know that somedays you'll do it all "wrong".

Hang in there. My friends all tell me they come out the other side (ie when they turn 4) human.

[raynjen]

Thanks all of you for the thoughts and advice...

We actually saw DH Sunday afternoon when he got home at 2:30! He says they are in a 'lull' right now as everything that could have been moved at a moment's notice has been moved and now they are waiting to see what they need downrange in terms of troops/gear.

We did explain that daddy was helping all the people who got hurt in the tsunami and earthquake (she knows what earthquakes are) and that is why he was gone a lot. I also had her 'helping' with donations - sorting through her clothes, packing toiletry bags, etc. We got out 'Bye-Bye Bear' at her suggestion (he comes out when Daddy leaves and I hadn't thought to get him out as Daddy hadn't 'left') I think the little gifties are a good idea. I'll probably purchase some that he can take to work so he can give her on when we visit. We've been making art for Daddy and taking it to him also.

I think that some of it is an age thing, I guess I was caught off-guard by some of the behaviors that I associate with the 18-24 month range (kicking and screaming, throwing herself on the floor, etc.) She never had those kinds of tantrums at that age. Not to say that she didn't have tantrums, but they weren't these violent outpourings of emotion...

I have so much more respect for moms who go through deployments now, especially for those who have more than one child.

I think we have reached a better equilibrium now since school started.

Thanks again for all your help!

Jen in Okinawa
Mom to a wonderful preschooler,
who just turned three, Noelle!