WWYD? DD's friends not behaving well.

[jadamom]

DD has little friends who we sometimes meet for playdates. These children will run off, be aggressive with their toys and each other, not share with others, not listen to their mommies, and say "Shoo!" to other little kids. DD sees this and will copy their behavior. I was mortified when she said "Shoo!" to one of the neighbors as we were walking down the street. I have tried to explain to DD that even though the other kids are behaving badly, she cannot. She still needs to follow our rules and listen to her mommy. Inevitably, she gets a scolding or punishment and her friends do not. I realize that it's not fair because her friends behave much worse than she does and they do not have to suffer for it. Not sure how to handle this. Do we try to avoid her friends?

[hjdong]

DS had one friend who behaved aggresively and we just stopped playing with him. Your DD is young enough that she will most likely play happily with pretty much whomever. I think you probably need to try and find her some better behaved friends.

[crl]

I think the key is what the other moms do. It sounds like nothing. If that's the case, I'd look for new friends for your daughter.

But, if the moms react appropriately, I'd think it's okay to keep playing together (assuming your daughter isn't getting physically hurt). My kid's sure not perfect and I know that over time the kids we play with have all taken turns with their own bad habits. For example, DS throws mulch at the playground (sigh) while one of his friends is having a really hard time sharing toys right now. DS is disciplined for his ill behavior and his friend's mom is working hard to encourage sharing. And we keep playing together while we work on this stuff.

At this point in DS' life, I've concluded his friends are really all about the moms.

[jadamom]

Thank you both for your input. I agree that it's all about the moms, because it's natural for kids to misbehave and test their boundaries. DD has her moments, as well. I guess these moms' parenting style is much more lenient than mine and it's not a good fit for me. I'll try to limit our time with them and seek out new friendships for DD. Thanks!

[hjdong]

That's true - I didn't put that key point in. The little boy's mom pretty much overlooked his agressiveness.

[raynjen]

"I realize that it's not fair because her friends behave much worse than she does and they do not have to suffer for it."

Actually her friends are going to suffer for this more and more as they get older. They will lose friends (perhaps your daughter will be the first), they will lose respect, and they will lose the ability to control themselves (because that ability first comes from the outside when we control our kids). So really your daughter is better off when you "scold" and make her obey your rules. I know it seems harder now (especially to her), but it will pay off for her.

I also totally agree with the other posters that at this point it is your friendships that count. If you are friends with the other mom a little understanding goes a long way. Perhaps she will open up to you and say, "I just can't seem to get them to mind - do you have any suggestions?" and then you can offer what works for you. If she doesn't seem to be the kind of person that this matters to (as opposed to someone who seems to be in over their head temporarily) then I would definitely stop the friendship now as the next words your daughter learns might not be so innocuous!

Jen in Okinawa
Mom to my beautiful daughter,
who is now 3 1/2, Noelle!