Thinking about quitting pumping; please talk me out of it... (LONG)

[Judegirl]

...or into it. I'm so torn.

It's taking me an hour to empty, and I pump 3-4 times a day. I'm constantly battling supply (mostly b/c I followed the advice of a VERY BAD LC. I had oversupply before that!) and I have virtually nothing during 4 days each month. I've seriously depleted the freezer supply I'd hoped would take us past the one-year mark, and if I don't keep my supply up, I'll have no choice but to start supplementing, at least.

But I'm drinking water, eating oatmeal, taking fenugreek, and pumping at least 4 times a day, and so far, no formula since we arrived home from the hospital. I really wanted to make it to one year...then 9 months...and now I'm thinking that maybe it's just too much. Will my life feel any less chaotic if I don't have to pump? Will I be more relaxed if I'm not always counting the hours since my last pump? Will I be happier if I can stop muttering the sentence, "I can't; I have to pump soon...?"

Or will I be depressed every time I make her a bottle of formula? Will I be anxiously searching for signs of bad reactions, stuffy noses, ear infections, under the admittedly-irrational belief that I'm no longer "protecting" her the way I had been? Will I hate myself for doing less for her than I could have?

I won't use anything but organic formula, which is ridiculously expensive and would require some serious belt-tightening. I feel like this is silly - I've got the milk, and I've done it this long. It's only 5 more months; I'm more than halfway there.

But I'm so, so tired. And I'm on my a$$ all the time (well, it feels like that,) which isn't helping my mood or my weight. And because I can't drink enough coffee to keep me awake, I'm eating a lot of sugar, which is bad bad bad.

I've tried cutting down, but I lose too much milk.

Dd is on solids once a day and I don't want to shortchange her milk by giving her more solids just to make it easier on me.

Please share your experiences, thoughts, advice, opinions...anything will be appreciated.

Now I'm gonna get off this pump and go to bed. :)

Jude

[Moneypenny]

Hi Jude.
Don't know if I can help much, as I certainly can't guess what will be right for you and Riordan, but here are my two cents. Are you exclusively pumping with no nursing sessions? I think the best way to up your supply is to nurse rather than pump, but if that's not an option for you, I'm not sure what else you can do to help with supply,. However, maybe some of the more experienced pumpers here can help you with that. There's no shame in supplementing with formula, and there's also no shame in taking your own needs, in addition to DD's, into consideration when making this decision. What I might do in this situation is tell myself that I would continue pumping until January 1st, at which time if I decide to quit I would do so with no guilt. Perhaps a few weeks from now, once the stress of the holidays has passed, pumping won't seem like such a chore. Or, you'll realize the next few weeks will really put you over the edge and you'll feel 100% confident that quitting is the thing you should do.

The little trick I play with myself when I have a big decision to make is to ask myself if this is something I'm still going to be thinking about 10 years, 5 years, 1 year from now. If you think when Riordan's 10 you'll still be rueing the day you started using organic formula, I'd try to stick it out with the pumping a little longer. If you decide that you'll have forgotten about this by the time she's 1, then I'd say do what makes you a happier, more relaxed mama right now.

One of the best pieces of advice my ped has given me is to not agonize over decisions too much. You clearly love your DD and want to do what's best for her, and you make the best decision you can at the time. Make the choice, and move forward with it. It's not fair to yourself to look back and lament over those choices, because you're always in a different state of mind after the fact.

Sorry this got so long, and I hope it doesn't sound preachy, but I guess this is something I've thought a lot about for myself. Whatever your choice, well done for pumping for this long! I nurse/pump and I'm tired of pumping already and DD is only 4 months. I can't imagine exclusively pumping for as long as you've already done it. Good job!!!
Susan
DD - Avery, born 8/5/04

[stillplayswithbarbies]

Jude, all the reasons that you decided to pump for her and to breastfeed in the first place are still good reasons. She's still just a little baby and she still needs the breastmilk for all the same reasons she needed it from the day she was born.

Have you thought about trying to get her back to the breast? Honestly, it's much easier than pumping. At this age, she could be draining the breast in 10 or 20 minutes a few times a day. Would that be less stressful for you, or would it be stressful in other ways?

you asked:
>Or will I be depressed every time I make her a bottle of formula? Will I be anxiously searching for signs of bad reactions, stuffy noses, ear infections, under the admittedly-irrational belief that I'm no longer "protecting" her the way I had been? Will I hate myself for doing less for her than I could have?

I can only speak for myself, but I tell you that the answer for me would be yes, I would be depressed and I would be anxious about the (not irrational by the way) fact that I was no longer protecting her. And I would certainly hate myself for doing less for her than I could have. Only you can answer those questions for yourself.

Here is a way to put it in perspective. If you pump for a year, that is just one year out of your life. Compared to all of your time with her on this earth, one year is just a blip, it's nothing. It might seem like a year is far away when you are only 5 months into it, but it's really a short time when you look at her whole lifespan. Can you give up a year to do a good thing that will benefit her for the rest of her life? When she is older and is at less risk for being overweight, less risk for having diabetes, will she look back and thank you for giving her as much breastmilk as you possibly could? What you are doing for her is not just affecting her now, it is affecting her health for her entire life.

You can do it. I know from your posts that you are a determined person and all you have to do is set your mind to it and you will do it.

...Karen
DS Jake Feb 91, DD Logan Mar 03
http://members.aol.com/khowe14494/superpower.gif http://members.aol.com/khowe14494/bo...breastfed2.gif

[aliceinwonderland]

I'm so sorry I do not have time to post a long one, Torts final tomorrow...
A tremendous amount of stress(no let-down thru pumping for a week!) combined with less than advantageous pumping schedule and location (i pump in a bathroom)caused my supply to go down. I can now only supply about 60 % of Erik's day-time intake.

I DO get depressed with every can of formula I buy. I cried the first two times. I am not saying you'll have the same reaction, I'm just telling you mine.

The only thing that makes it SO much better is that when I'm home, he is attached at my breast whenever he wants to. And being very efficient, he still gets A LOT more BM than formula (he nurses at night, as you know, several times). Plus I have the weekends. And an up-coming school holiday of 3 whole weeks in which I don't have to make a single bottle. This is what keeps me thru the severe sleep deprivation, I'm secretly glad he is not a great sleeper at night!

You know yourself and your comfort-level. Because you asked for advice, I would try to put her at the breast. She may not know what to do, but worth trying, I think...

[tarahsolazy]

From reading your post, Jude, I think that quitting would be a negative thing for you. It sounds like you would feel guilty using formula. I would also, I am very invested in the BF thing. How about Dom or Reglan to up your supply, what's your stance on those? I'm sorry you are going through this, I pump at work, so I know a little bit of what its like, but, like Eri, I've got those easy nursing feedings to fall back on. You could see if she'll take the breast... Oh, and on the coffee front, I say drink as much as makes you happy.

[egoldber]

I can't speak for pumping, but we had tremendous troubles breastfeeding. I did it for 6 months and that was all I thought I could stand so I stopped.

I can honestly tell you that I still regret it every day. I wish I had been more educated and that I had known more about my options at the time. The regret is not life hampering, but I honestly do think about it each and every day. Will I when she's 20? Probably not, but I do now at age 3.

Only you can know yourself well enough to know if it is worth it to you to keep pumping. But if I were you, I would pump and I would work with an LC to see if you can still get her back to the breast.

Take care.

[papal]

You can do it Jude!! Keep up the pumping! 5 months is but a speck in the grand scheme of life!!
You can do it! You can do it! You can do it!!!!
Cheering you on here girlie!!!! We will celebrate with you when you reach that holy grail of a one year mark!! Just 5 more months.... in a blink of an eye your girl will be one.. and then two and then three.. you don't want to say to yourself 'i wish i had stuck it out..'.

You can do it!!! Ra ra ra!

[psophia17]

You have been going through so much lately, Jude!

I agree with the PPs, if you can, try and get Riordan to BF so that you don't have to pump. At her age, DS was done with both sides in minutes. It sounds like that would be amazing for you.

About the guilt...After 10.5 months, I could not get DS to latch anymore. Not at all. If I had known then (meaning the first time it happened) what I know now, I probably would still be BFing, and that makes me really, really jealous of every bite of food and sip of water/milk/juice that goes into his mouth. I've managed to get past my weepiness, but it took some doing. I don't feel guilty that I made a decision based on what was best at the time, but I do feel guilty that my ignorance about how to keep him going and inability to make the advice I got on the boards and elsewhere work for me, and for DS, has prevented him from getting the best that he could get. I'm not wasting my time with "if only"s, but I do wish I could've managed BFing longer. Yes, I do feel guilty - I imagine most Mamas who don't make their BF goals do - but you have to make the best decision for YOU, because that will make it the best decision for your baby.

HTH, and good luck :)

[pritchettzoo]

Have you checked out the pump? If you've been pumping exclusively for 6 months, it could be the problem. Depending on what pump you have, some stuff might need to be replaced.

Just a thought.

Anna
Mama to Gracie (Sept '03)
and One More (coming July '05)

[mysweetboy]

Jude, I can't imagine how exhausting that is for you. I've had my own feeding issues w/Charlie and caved and gave him formula. I feel terrible guilt over this but am trying to work through that. The important thing is that I'm now working on getting him to nurse exclusively. It's a slow road but each day it gets better.

As for your situation, I'll echo what some pp's have mentioned....could you put Riordan on the breast? It would be so much easier and less stressful for you...maybe even enjoyable? I enjoy nursing Charlie more than ever now....it's something so special that only we can share together.

You've done an amazing job. Riordan is a lucky baby to have such a wonderful mama!

Lori
mommy to Charlie, 7 months old!

edited to correct spelling