I don't understand the breastfeeding debate

[Jenn98]

I have to agree that this is a great thread, and that's not because I started it ;) It's because I have learned a lot from it. I admit that early on I was one of those moms who saw others in public with bottles and I had judgemental thoughts of them - EVEN though I was going through my own hell of breastfeeding. It doesn't make sense and I'm not proud of it. I'm just glad that my "new-mom" hormones have settled down and my brain has reclaimed its rightful place as the decision maker and I'm glad I have had the insightful responses here to help me understand things even more.

Anyway, I guess now that I am more aware of how hurtful it can be to not be able to breastfeed, I want to be cautious and careful to not offend, but I also want to be proud of myself. I guess it's a bit like having a christian-themed display up at the holidays. I want to celebrate my religion, but not offend those who believe otherwise. Does that make sense?

Again, I will say that I know my feelings haven't made much sense and I have been contradictory (judging others while struggling myself and not fully "getting it" even though I was crushed every time I thought I was going to have to stop breastfeeding.) So, I'm really thankful to the honest replies. I hope that in my effort to understand others I haven't offended further. In my original post, I guess I could have titled it "why does anyone care if I breastfeed or not?" But now I get that there are so many more issues to this whole ff vs bm debate. Thanks everyone.

[Popism]

My daughter is due in 7 weeks and she will be bottlefed. She will be bottlefed because this is the healthiest choice I can make for her. I take medication for epilepsy that would be transferred thru breastmilk and would not be healthy for my child so there isn't an option. People look at me and say, "oh that must make you feel so bad." It does not! Not taking my medication is not an option if I want to be there for my child. Therefore bottlefeeding is the best and only choice I can make for my child and I will never feel bad about it.

What makes me angry is the lack of support for bottlefeeding mothers. Books, support groups, lactation consultants, even baby bottles and nipples are now marketed to breastfeeding mothers as a "supplement." I asked the nurse teaching my parenting class if she was going to address bottlefeeding during the portion on feeding. She looked absolutely confused by my question. It's as if society wants us to feel bad if we dont breastfeed and we are punished for it. Everyone is so caught up in the idea that breastfeeding is best that they have neglected to address the portion of society who simply may not have a choice for whatever reason. Why can't I find info on the best bottles, best formula, best ways to bond with my bottlefed child?

I am absolutely proud of my plans to bottlefeed. Despite any personal desire I might have to breastfeed my baby, I am making the healthiest choice for her and isn't that what being a parent is all about. If one more person expresses sympathy to me because I can't breastfeed, I may squirt them in the face with a bottle of dha loaded formula!

[saschalicks]

This thread is wonderful.

I just want to say that I did not want to BF. I really didn't want to. On another note I take medication [for severe depression] that I was told could possibly go through to the baby. So many people shunned me for not wanting to. So, I said OK I have to try it. Then I told my doctor that I was going to try it, was that OK? She checked and said she didn't advise it at all b/c of the medication. I was bummed b/c I finally had convinced myself to try it. I knew for the health of both of us it was best to FF. With #2 I knew that we'd be FF so I didn't worry. A week after being home I was hit with SEVERE SEVERE PPD. I called my pshychiatrist and the first question was are you BFing? I said no. She said good b/c the medication that would help the most I could not BF. A week after starting this medication I was on the road to recovery. When I went to see her I asked what would've happened if I was BFing she said she would have had to put me on all kinds of medications that were OK for BFing, but it would've taken a lot longer for them to get the right formula. As bad as I was I am so glad I was able to get that medication. I don't know what state I would've been in otherwise. I was in a very scary place (not that I would've harmed my children), and I'm glad there was help for me.

Why tell you this? B/c for all intents and purposes so many times I've felt I had to defend my FFing. I know that BF is best, but not when the mental health of the mommy is at stake. That's what I was facing with #1 when I made the decision not to try. I wish more BFing advocates would realize that PPD is a huge problem. So many women don't get diagnosed b/c they are afraid to rock their ability to BF. Sometimes you have to give that up to get healthy. I know, I know, that sometimes you can BF and get help for PPD. However, in my case if I had been BFing I may not have gotten healthy, or healthy as quickly as I did, if I chose not to give it up.

I am proud I FFed. I have two healthy beautiful intelligent boys. I support BFers, I support BFing in public, I support it all, it just wasn't for me.

I hope I really didn't offend any BFers it so wasn't my intent.

[elliput]

I am glad you are proud of your choice, because you should be. You chose the best path for you and your children. You are healthy, your children are healthy - nothing is more important than that.

[pb&j]

>Finally, my contribution to the "hurtful things people say"
>archive:
>The nurse at my pediatrician's office NEVER fails to ask
>whether I'm breastfeeding. EVERY SINGLE visit. Along the
>lines of "Oh, she's such a big girl! You're breastfeeding
>her?" I know...doesn't seem like it should be hurtful, but it
>is. A little wounded pride, I guess. :)
>

I know it's not funny, but I LOL'ed when I read that. I get crabby with my pedi because at every single visit, he asks how DS is fed, I say EBF'ed, and he immediately follows with "and some formula, too?"

Seems like nobody can win! ;)

-Ry,
mom to Emma, stillborn 11/04/04
and Max, 01/05/06

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[maestramommy]

It seems to me that no matter what you do, you feel like you have to defend yourself. FF moms have to defend their decision to ff, Bf moms have to defend their decision to extend bf beyond the "norm" or NIP. Why is that? Now that I think about it, why do I even ask moms-to-be whether they are going to bf or not? They will (hopefully) make the best decision they can, but even if they, in my perception, don't, it's none of my business. Parenting is a very personal thing. Most people really do make the best decisions they can, they shouldn't feel like they have to defend them to anybody as long as the child isn't in physical danger.

I think it is important to remember though, that even though it seems like there are many women here, we represent just a small percentage of society, so I really don't know if all the opinions expressed here are shared widely. I often feel like very few of the ideas I read here are expressed in my local moms group. Which is often why I come here for advice :-). But seriously, I can't even imagine a discussion such as this one taking place with them. All we ever talk about are where to buy this sippy cup, and where can I find a good safety gate. I think the only really serious discussion we've had is regarding preschools. Now this may be because we are all first time moms, so we are very taken up with immediate concerns. But sometimes I do wonder whether they think about bf vs. ff, or anything else like that. I think I expressed on another thread that in our group both bf and ff are seen as norms. Now bf past one year. THAT might be seen as different. It'll depend on who goes there!

[lisams]

Put that bottle down m'am and no one will get hurt! Kidding, I laughed at your last sentence :-) Welcome to the BBB!!

I think the reason there is so much support out there for breastfeeding is that it is hard in the beginning and such a new experience your body is going through. I know for me I always worried about how much she was getting and if her latch was right because it hurt so much in the first week or so.

Most of the moms I know that bottlefed ended up using a formula that worked for their baby. That's something that a dr. can't tell you because every baby is different in how they react to different brands. One baby might do really well on one brand and the other might get horrible gas from it. I would suggest that you try one but don't get months worth of it just in case it doesn't happen to work out for your baby. There are organic brands now on the market that might interest some. As far as bottles go - most breastfeeding classes even discuss this because many moms will end up pumping for at least an occasional bottle so I'm surprised they didn't go over it in your class. The moms that I know just picked whatever they wanted and used it from day 1 with no problems, but I think that some bottles are better than others. I would do a search here, I'm sure you'll find lots of help from experienced moms.

Congratulations on your baby on the way, and way to go for being proud of your decision!

[Jenn98]

I think you make a good point. Many people are misguided about how incredibly hard it can be to breastfeed in those early days/weeks. But that doesn't mean that there isn't a learning curve to using bottles and/or formula either.

I also agree with whoever said that too many people ask about your feeding choice. I planned to breastfeed, but I was still uncomfortable with people I barely knew asking me - it just seemed soooo personal and I felt a lot of pressure to succeed.

[kijip]

My mother has epilepsy and she was also unable to nurse due to it. I just wanted to offer you some support in bottle feeding from the start. Please feel free to post as many questions about bottlefeeding here as you have- there are a lots of mama here of either chose to FF or had to FF and a lot of help can be found here!

I agree that in some areas it is really hard to find bottlefeeding information.

The book is a bit out of date but have you seen "Bottlefeeding without Guilt"? I think the name was changed to "When Breastfeeding isn't an Option" due to backlash on the name but you can get copies of it with both titles from the library or on Amazon. The technical info is a bit outdated but most of the text is quite reassuring.

[kijip]

It only becomes a debate when people make it a debate by interfering with the circumstances of others. For me, I became alert and aware of the "divide" very early on after needing to supplement due to a very low milk supply. The reaction and the responses of people around me raised my ire for sure. It was literally a supplement or starve situation for my family. But no one in my area took me seriously on that point. There was always something else I must have failed to do or something else I should have tried- well I tried it all. When you have a total stranger approaching you in the grocery store and trying to educate you about the formula in your cart, you tend to get into debate mode. Luckily those days are behind me- I look at my healthy as a horse, allergy free, incredibly smart 3 year old and think that whatever I did, it seems to be a-ok. But a word to the wise: just stay out of other peoples' feeding situations unless they involve you or ask you for help. That goes for not agreeing with extended breastfeeding or for trying to promote breastfeeding to reluctant mothers to be. Because frankly, we all rarely have the full story on another's situation and none of us can claim that we would make better choices for someone else than they will for themselves.