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  1. #11
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    Default RE: I don't understand the breastfeeding debate

    "There are risks to choosing formula over breastmilk. Some moms
    don't know that."

    And herein lies the defensiveness. Though Susan didn't intend to offend with this statement...the first reaction of my heart was "thanks alot". I formula fed...and I will not go into the sob story why...."risks" is a negatively connotated word...it might be better to say "advantages to breastfeeding that moms don't know about...or maybe Susan really did mean that feeding formula is "risky"...either way...that's where the defensiveness is coming from. sometimes bfing moms (though uninentionally) have a way of making ffing moms feel inadequate. I personally hate it when the bfing moms talk about "educating" ffing women....like i didn't bf cause I'm stupid and dont know anything about it. I'm sure there are populations that could benefit from bf education, but let's be honest...a lot of us on the boards...AIN'T those populations....

    I'll also go ahead and attack the ticker. the little "badges" some of the bfing moms put on their posts showing how long they made it for....just annoying and a slap in the face to us....what purpose do they serve? am i being educated by your badge? you might as well put a little ticker in there that says, "this is how long i've been a better mother than you". I know it's defensive...and related to insecurity I feel as a mother, but it's there. That's reality. I can't go back and do it over. That's what makes it so hard. No one likes to have regret.

    I realize you (jen the OP) didn't want reactions like mine because you didn't want to start a debate, but i'm pregnant, hormonal and feeling the pressure to successfully BF this time...it's a lot to live up to...i am not looking for a fight either, so having said all that I did...remember i'm just offering my perspective...not looking for an argument.... i think we've all heard it all when it comes to bfing vs. ffing...
    Megs
    DD1 (13-ish)
    DS (11-ish)
    DD2 (5-ish)

  2. #12
    Jenn98 is offline Platinum level (1000+ posts)
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    Default RE: I don't understand the breastfeeding debate

    Megs,
    I appreciate your response. It is what I was looking for. It helps me understand it a bit better. But, and I mean this honestly, I still don't get why it makes you defensive. I get that you did what you thought was best, so why does it bother you what others think? Although, as I write that, I know I def am one who has a hard time of not worrying what others think of me. I guess my question is why does the ff vs bf debate get so heated versus any other parenting choicce?

    And I have to defend the little tickers, or at least offer another perspective. I am so, so proud of myself for having stuck with breastfeeding. (And that is not to imply that others just didn't stick with it long enough - it's just MY personal experience and not tied to anyone else.) I had thrush from day one until seven months later. It was hell. Pure hell to nurse through it. But it was my goal to do it and I did. (I'm stubborn, if nothing else!) If I had a ticker, which I don't because I never got around to making any, it would be simply as my badge of honor that I did something that was hard for me to do and I succeeded. It would never occur to me that me being proud of that would make someone else feel bad. I'm sorry if it has. I guess for me, it would be just a way of me saying, "Yea! I did it!!" And as a nursing mom who was struggling at times, I found some of the tickers to be inspirational to see that others had indeed nursed for longer periods. Just my experience.

    I'm sorry if you have ever felt bad because of your choice to formula feed, but why should I hide the fact that I accomplished something that was hard for me because it might offend you? And please don't think I'm being confrontational, or even asking you direclty, Megs. It's more of an open ended question. I'm really just trying to understand where others are coming from, and I'm not trying to offend, so I'm sorry if I have with my questions.

    Jenn

  3. #13
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    Default RE: I don't understand the breastfeeding debate

    no jen I'm not offended. Part of participating in these dicussions is understanding that 99% of the time people aren't trying to offend you. and i have a relativly thick skin. It is interesting to hear why you like the ticker badges. Since I don't come from your side of the fence, I didn't really know what the purpose of them was, other than to brag, show off, or otherwise show up everyone who didn't make it 3 years...or whatever. I understand better now that it is more of a personal acheivement thing. I never thought of them as being inspirational....so that is definitely an interesting perspective to hear on it. I always knew that my way of looking at it was not the only way, so therefore, i would never suggest doing away with them....what i said had the same purpose as what you responded: offering insight into a different point of view.

    I don't think you should hide the fact that you breastfed successfully...i'm just trying to explain why things get so heated. I think part of the reason why this particular parenting choice is so much more heated than others (what car seat you use for example) is because it IS personal. Only a mom can make this choice. Only a mom can bf her child (although i wish i could have hired a wet nurse or bought donated breastmilk...) so it is a REAL personal failure for some of us (not saying that all FF moms view FFing as a failure). it's not what other's think that bothers me...it's knowing that I wanted to do better and couldn't...KWIM? I am not ashamed to tell people I ffed. I am regretful taht I had to...it makes me defensive because I had no choice. I feel like I let my DD down...do you see what I'm saying? It makes me defensive because it's not always a choice...i absolutely DIDN'T get to do what I thought was "best" for my child. I don't know if I am being clear...it is not other's opinions about my "choice" that make my heart ache. It is the regret I have deep down inside of me and the loss I feel because I wasn't able to get my badge ticker...does that help?

    I am sure there are those out there who FF for reasons other than mine, so I can't speak for them, but for me, this is the big reason for all the upset...though i dont' usually join FF vs BF discussions for this very reason....HTH!
    Megs
    DD1 (13-ish)
    DS (11-ish)
    DD2 (5-ish)

  4. #14
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    Default RE: I don't understand the breastfeeding debate


    >I'll also go ahead and attack the ticker. the little "badges"
    >some of the bfing moms put on their posts showing how long
    >they made it for....just annoying and a slap in the face to
    >us....what purpose do they serve? am i being educated by your
    >badge? you might as well put a little ticker in there that
    >says, "this is how long i've been a better mother than you". I
    >know it's defensive...and related to insecurity I feel as a
    >mother, but it's there. That's reality. I can't go back and do
    >it over. That's what makes it so hard. No one likes to have
    >regret.
    >

    Megs -

    Don't take it so personally. I've got one of those ribbons in my siggie, and it's not a commentary on anyone's choice or circumstances but my own. When I was pg, I thought it was neat to see how long people bf'ed - I don't know a lot of extended bf'ers IRL (that I know of) so it's interesting to see how many moms here have gone to 6 months and beyond. No way would I have been this committed to it had I not had this supportive community. I hope that my ribbon contributes to that. If you feel defensive about that, it's unfortunate.


    -Ry,
    mom to Emma, stillborn 11/04/04
    and Max, 01/05/06

    http://www.windsorpeak.com/dc/user_files/34550.gif
    http://b1.lilypie.com/aKGqm5/.png[/img]

  5. #15
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    Default RE: I don't understand the breastfeeding debate

    Ry-
    this was exactly my point in writing that...it IS personal for me....not that you have a badge, that I DON'T have a badge. Do you see what I'm saying now? I thought it was interesting that Jen also found the badge "inspirational"...from my viewpoint i would never have considered that. It is unfortunate that I have to feel defensive about it, but that was part of what i was saying, that little twinge in my heart is there and there is just nothing I can do about that now...is that more clear?

    Edited for typo...
    Megs
    DD1 (13-ish)
    DS (11-ish)
    DD2 (5-ish)

  6. #16
    Jenn98 is offline Platinum level (1000+ posts)
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    Default RE: I don't understand the breastfeeding debate

    I do get that for some moms that not being able to breastfeed is a painful thing to realize. I clearly remember crying buckets of tears when I thought I just couldn't handle the thrush any more. And when I got pregnant and had to wean for medical reasons when dd was 10.5 months I was sad to "have to" give DD formula. But I got over it by basically telling myself that it was not any different than if I was weaning her to whole milk. I was sad that our bf relationship had to end and it wasn't on our terms (although DD took that first bottle of formula and never looked back, thank goodness!).

    I guess what I have figured out is that for some women it is hurtful to have others assume they didn't "try hard enough." Or that they didn't do what is "best" for their child. Maybe the hard feelings come from others assuming they know the reason for why a mom ff her child - and then the mom who is using formula feels judged. There are many reasons to use formula.

    I just wish that people could feel the way they do and not feel judged by others or be afraid of offending others. I am so proud of myself for nursing, but I don't think that automatically makes me a better mom in all aspects of parenting, or any aspect of parenting really. Just because I succeeded at nursing doesn't mean I will succeed at any other part of being a good mom. There is no correltation. I'm sure there are better moms than me out there that ff their kids.

    Why are we not more supportive of other moms? Tearing someone else down does not build yourself up. If you chose to use formula, or have to use formula, that is obviously the best decision for you (I mean a general you, not anyone in specific). I just don't get why we judge other moms so much on this topic. Why when we see a mom with formula do we assume she made a bad decision?

  7. #17
    Moneypenny is offline Sapphire level (2000+ posts)
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    Default RE: I don't understand the breastfeeding debate

    You're right...I don't mean to offend. When I say there are risks to formula feeding it is because I come from the perspective that the norm for a human baby is to have human milk. I believe breastfeeding is the standard by which all other infant feeding is measured, so I don't believe it's quite accurate to talk about 'benefits of breastfeeding'. Breastfeeding should be the norm and the outcomes of feeding with a replacement should be discussed with the proper terminology recognizing that formula is the replacement. But, that is the scientist in me and I tend to get caught up in semantics, LOL! There is nothing in the statement "there are risks to choosing formula over breastmilk" that implies that formula feeding isn't the best choice for some families.

    I have my ticker because I'm proud of my accomplishment, just as others have weight loss tickers or pregnancy tickers - surely someone who is struggling to lose weight or get and stay pregnant could be upset by seeing those. It really isn't meant as a slap in the face and I'm sorry you are feeling that way when you see it.


    Susan
    mama to my cutie pie, Avery
    http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_emerald_18m.gif[/img][/url]

  8. #18
    Jenn98 is offline Platinum level (1000+ posts)
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    Default RE: I don't understand the breastfeeding debate

    I get how it can be a painful reminder of something that you wanted so badly. I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry you had a hard time. I'm sorry it still bothers you. I would feel the same twinge of pain if it were me.

    But, I'm sure you are a great mom. Nursing or not does not define you as a mom. You may not have been able to nurse, but you didn't fail your baby. Your baby is alive, happy and healthy - what more success can you ask for than that!? :)

    I mean this very respectfully, but it seems like your feelings about this are really strong. And I don't mean to sound like I'm telling you to just get over it, but why does it bother you so much? I'm sorry if I seem like I just don't get it. I'm just trying to understand. I understand that it takes time to grieve the loss of something (anything really) that differs from what we thought parenting would be like before our babies got here. But isn't it ultimately the goal to have a living, happy, healthy child?

    Maybe I'd have better luck at trying to find the meaning of life. :) But, I'm pregant and on bed rest and have nothing to do all day but think about stuff. Thanks for indulging me!

  9. #19
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    Default RE: I don't understand the breastfeeding debate

    this is tough....how to get someone to understand the way YOU feel is probably impossible...but heck i'm pg and don't feel like doing housework so i'll give it a shot!

    I guess it bothers me so much because I can't be sure that i'll be successful next time. So that adds to the pain for me...also the message out there from some BF advocates is that my child isn't happy and healthy...KWIM? Some people make you feel as though you have set up your kid for health problems. i am sure that many people would say that DD's allergies are probably a result of not being breastfed...do you see what I'm saying now? Let me know if you have more questions......the m/s is coming on and i've got to get off the comp for a little while.....

    Megs
    DD1 (13-ish)
    DS (11-ish)
    DD2 (5-ish)

  10. #20
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    Default RE: I don't understand the breastfeeding debate


    >
    >I have my ticker because I'm proud of my accomplishment, just
    >as others have weight loss tickers or pregnancy tickers -
    >surely someone who is struggling to lose weight or get and
    >stay pregnant could be upset by seeing those. It really isn't
    >meant as a slap in the face and I'm sorry you are feeling that
    >way when you see it.
    >
    >


    Yes, ditto!

    -Ry,
    mom to Emma, stillborn 11/04/04
    and Max, 01/05/06

    http://www.windsorpeak.com/dc/user_files/34550.gif
    http://b1.lilypie.com/aKGqm5/.png[/img]

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