I don't understand the breastfeeding debate

[Jenn98]

Your child is alive, happy and healthy. She might still have allergies even if you did nurse - no one will know for sure. So, I say that anyone who says otherwise can shove it! But that's just pregnant hormonal me... ;)

[o_mom]

I think that part of the problem is that you can't educate people without offending those that have not been able to bf. You have np idea of the number of lurkers here, first time expectant mothers, etc. I read these boards for over a year before making my first post. It also helps people IRL to be able to accurately share the information.

For too long our society has been afraid of offending ff moms, so they say "bf has advantages". Kind of like saying "private schools are better". It establishes ff as the norm and bf as just something extra that is nice but not really needed. It has become apparent that for many people they choose to ff because they don't see it as a risk (among many other issues).

I don't see that giving information that ff has risks anymore wrong than saying that inactivity is bad for you. I certainly don't expect my doctor to say "exercise has advantages" for fear of offending someone that doesn't exercise.

[lisams]

The one thing I like about the tickers is that it's kind of like nursing in public, the more moms see it the more normal it is in our society, the less moms will be intimidated. You don't run into many moms that breastfeed past a year, so it's nice to see that around here. I remember a day when my friend made a comment about how wrong nursing past a year was, and it was nice to hop on and see I wasn't the only one. With that said, I never felt the need to have a ticker and I nursed well past a year. For me it was just how it worked out.

I think that we have for so long seen formula as the normal way of feeding babies, that we see human milk as an advantage. I'll admit I think it's odd that the bottle is the supreme symbol of babyhood - it's on practically every baby card, wrapping paper, etc. We are so normalized to bottle feeding that we think breastfeeding is so special, extra, going above the regular method of babyfeeding when really it's nothing more than normal. When we challenge what we think is normal it is always a difficult adjustment. I'm not sure I'm making sense, hopefully so!!!

I honestly don't care if a mother chooses to use formula or to nurse. What I do strongly care about is that every mother that wants to breastfeed get the help and support she needs to be as sucessful as possible. Until we as a society accept breastfeeding as a normal method of feeding a young child, mothers will continue to have huge hurdles to pass. I just had a friend tell me her dr. said she would have to wean because she was given an antibiotic for a UTI. She was heartbroken until she found out it was a bunch of bull from a dr. who knows nothing about lactation and human milk.

I feel for mothers who have tried so hard but in the end it didn't work out because the help they needed wasn't available or because they just aren't able to breastfeed. At the same time I'm so proud of these mothers for working so hard at it in a society that makes it so darn hard. Maybe for our daughters some day they'll have all of the support and help they need if they choose to breastfeed. At least I can hope!

I hope my words came across the right way. I in no way mean to offend and hope I haven't.

[megs4413]

Excellent points, Lisa...and no I was not offended by your post! You worded things VERY tactfully ;)

You have hit the nail on the head as far as the BF problem for people like me...I had the education, but not the SUPPORT to carry it through. I contacted a lactation consultant when I was having trouble and the advice I received began with a list of items I needed to purchase and books I needed to read and of course her fees and "no i don't have time this week"..blah blah blah....i was such a wreck at that time....i didn't have anyone to turn to and of course my mom---bottle fed! I know some of you are probably members of the LLL and it had been suggested that I turn to them....never got a call back from the area leader....the fact is i was having trouble and didn't have a medical or otherwise professional to talk to about it. I kept asking my mom, "who is in charge of my breasts?!" as in..."i see a specialist for my heart, my thyroid, my brain...where is my boob specialist?!?!?!"

You want to get into yet another aspect of the debate? I think breasts have become so unreasonably sexualized that some mothers are "uncomforable" with the idea of feeding their babies that way. I know I was!!! it wasn't until after DD was born that I realized there was nothing sexual about it. It does seem quite odd that we are required to keep our breasts covered up at all times--by law! When in reality (biology I guess is what I mean) breasts are meant for our babies! I know it's a sidethought but it did have impact on my feelings toward BF when i was not yet a mother....

[megs4413]

Lisa made a good point about breastfeeding being the norm (which is what I think you're saying as well)...


"For too long our society has been afraid of offending ff moms, so they say "bf has advantages". Kind of like saying "private schools are better". It establishes ff as the norm and bf as just something extra that is nice but not really needed. It has become apparent that for many people they choose to ff because they don't see it as a risk (among many other issues).

I don't see that giving information that ff has risks anymore wrong than saying that inactivity is bad for you. I certainly don't expect my doctor to say "exercise has advantages" for fear of offending someone that doesn't exercise."

Perhaps what would be a better message (to me and keep in mind i am only speaking from my perspective) would be that breastfeeding is natural. as opposed to "formula feeding is risky"...if the message you are trying to get across is really that BF is and should be the "norm".

I haven't actually seen (and I am in no way suggesting that it isn't true...) information about the "risks" of formula feeding (except in reference to soy). Perhaps that is the information I am missing that leads me to reject the word "risk". You certainly are able to see that stating it that way is inflammatory. (not that I became enflamed....) If you really want to get a message across...the best way is the way that causes the least resistance. Do you see what I'm saying? I'm in complete agreement that breastfeeding needs to become the national standard here, but calling formula feeding "risky" or resorting to the scare tactics that have surfaced in some of the new ad campaigns doesn't really invoke thoughtful discussion...but defensive debate...KWIM?

I am gonna add my official disclaimer to the rest of these posts: please don't feel personally attacked, disrespected, or hurt by anything I say. I have no intention of hurting anyone and if there is a problem with a specifc reply or statement I make...PM me and I will more than happily edit my post!

Edited...stupid typos!

[lisams]

I agree. I'm sorry you didn't have the support when you needed it. That is just unacceptable and angering.

I also agree about breasts being so oversexualized. I have thought a lot about this, to the point it makes my brain ache, lol!! I actually encountered a woman reporter when we were working at the state level on a NIP law who thought moms nursing in public were contributing to the oversexualization of breasts because they "whipped it out" for the world to see (so she says). I just don't get it. What mom who has a hungry baby is going to take time to flaunt her boobs around?!! Besides that, she's feeding a baby for goodness sakes!

I better stop thinking about this, it's making me tired! It's such a huge and overwhelming issue.

[melbb]

I just wanted to jump in, sort of on the side of Megs, since everyone else seems to have had successful BFing relationships. I don't think I can make anyone understand why those of us who didn't BF feel so strongly about feeling judged/like failures, but I do know it is perfectly normal. My DD didn't latch at birth and had severe jaundice due to blood type incompatibility. She latched on at 3 weeks with a nipple shield. Shortly after weaning off the shield we got thrush, which we battled for months. Audrey went through multiple breast refusals for unknown reasons. Her last refusal at 4 months (so we BF 2.5 months total) was the end for us. She just screamed at me at every attempt. I tried for 2 more weeks and always got the same response. She hates cosleeping/skin to skin, so there wasn't a lot I could do to woo her back. I gave up and kept pumping. I tried again 2 months later, she just screamed more. I have since given up again. Maybe I will get brave and try again, but I don't expect anything. I feel strongly about people possibly judging because there are people out there who assume you didn't try hard enough, or who assume you must have formula in your bottle. I don't appreciate people making such assumptions. Pumping is a lot harder than BFing IMHO. And pumping has been hard, too. I can't pump enough and have to supplement. I get constant plugged ducts, have had mastitis 3 times, have had plugged nipple pores, etc. Even though Audrey is still getting breastmilk, I still feel like I failed. I feel cheated that I couldn't have the perfect BFing relationship. I want to quit pumping every day it sucks so badly. But I keep going. Maybe I will make it a year, maybe I won't. Why do I feel defensive/upset when people seem to judge? Because I want her to have what I believe is best, breastmilk. BUT, I also think that she would likely be fine on formula. Getting breastmilk doesn't guarantee that you will be perfectly healthy and be the smartest kid on the block. It may help, but there are always exceptions. Having been through the difficulties I have been through, I have sought support from other women who have been through similar experiences and they all have similar feelings of depression, sadness, anger, failure. If you go through it yourself, you will understand. Until then, you likely cannot. I don't get too offended by people because I know that I did my best and really it ended up being Audrey's decision. But I do get angry because people tend to generalize and I guess I have been to some boards where people are extremely hardcore about BFing and come across as being much more judgemental. Aside from that, it is hard to be reminded that things didn't go the way you dreamed they would, despite trying your best.
Sorry for my rambling.

[megs4413]

well thanks for that! I was wondering where all the other mama's that struggled with bfing were! I think the overzealous nature of some BF advocates does contribute to the defensive reactions of their audience (though calling them Nazis may get you into some trouble so you might want to edit that out and make it more diplomatic....). I am sorry you had such a hard time with Audrey....but I know you are doing the best for her....FWIW, I didn't try nearly as hard as you did! Way to go!

[o_mom]

Just say that it is natural, though, doesn't imply that it is better. That is what I am trying to say (though not very well).

Look at it this way. Most of the time information is presented by statements like "Breastfed babies have higher IQ". This could also be stated as "Formula fed babies have lower IQ". The second one considers BF as the norm.

There are very real risks with FF. This page has some of them listed:

http://www.breastfeedingtaskforla.org/ABMRisks.htm

I do think the ads released recently are a bit over the top. OTOH, most of what is presented is sugar-coated to the point that many nwe moms think formula is just as good as BM. My ped at 1 week was saying that "it's OK to use formula" instead of finding out why we were having problems. And she certainly wasn't saying that my baby would be at greater risk of ear infections and diabetes. If I hadn't been informed and determined, I might have given up then.

[randomkid]

"I guess my question is why does the ff vs bf debate get so heated versus any other parenting choicce?"

Because it feels like a personal attack, esp. when it is not your first choice. I really don't see mothers who formula feed that didn't want to bf get as defensive. They really don't seem to care. I think it's the Moms who care and wanted something different for their DCs than they ended up doing. I had no intention of using formula at all, so when I read things that imply I was wrong, it's just like a knife being twisted in my heart.

I really think it's hard for someone who successfully breastfed to understand why it is so emotional for those of us who couldn't. What I don't understand is why it is so important to bfing Moms to judge ffing Moms without knowing their whole story. Maybe they want to educate Moms who really don't know better, but in the process, they end up hurting those of us who do know better, but didn't have a choice. It really goes both ways and I don't think either side will understand the other unless you've had it both ways. I HAD to formula feed or my child would have starved to death. How do you think it makes me feel when someone says there are risks to formula feeding?

This is very sad and speaks volumes about attitudes, but I just had to warn a friend of mine about the attitudes she may encounter from total strangers. She literally had only 1/2 ounce of milk or less total when she would pump. Now, someone will say that the baby is more efficient than the pump. She knows that she does not have more milk than that and gives her DC what she has, then supplements. He nurses, then takes 1 1/2 ounces of formula - he isn't getting any more than the pump. However, if someone says this to her, she will feel like she didn't do enough. Also, I have a cousin with multiple sclerosis who unexpectedly became pregnant. She will not be able to bf because she will have to go back on her meds. Should she have to explain herself to everyone - even strangers? Instead, they should get support and sympathy. Not only that, I think it's a very personal question. I finally started lying to total strangers when they would ask if I was bfing. It's none of their business and if I told them no, I felt like I had to explain myself - just not fair to someone who went through agony making a tough decision.

BTW, I wish I had a ticker/badge that said "18 months and counting". I am one of the biggest proponents of bfing and even think I convinced a (very young) cashier at BRU to at least consider it. I am so proud of anyone who is successful at bfing and I will tell them so. Don't I deserve the same respect?