Talking about death with a 4yo

[kristenk]

Moments ago, on our way back from lunch, we drove by a basset hound. I told DD that Grand (my mom) used to have a couple of basset hounds. She asked where Grand kept them and I told her that they died a long time ago. She asked why they died and DH and I told her that they got very old and their bodies didn't work any more. DD got teary and asked if she'd die. DH and I were *totally* unprepared, which is amazing considering we knew the subject would come up at some point. We said something like "yes, but not for a long, long time." She got even more teary and said she didn't want to die. We mentioned heaven and being with Jesus, but it didn't seem to go over too well.

Help me.

I've never told anyone this (so it seems fitting to tell thousands of people at once, I guess!) but, when I was little, and to a certain degree now if I start obsessing about it, the idea of death absolutely, positively terrified me. I wanted reassurances from my mother of some sort, but she wasn't able to provide them and the idea of death and no longer living on earth was enough to send me into a mini panic attack.

I REALLY don't want DD to have to deal with that, but I have no idea how to approach the whole thing. If anyone has any words of wisdom, I'd love to hear them.

ETA: DD just called me into the other room and asked, "When will I die and how do I get into the sky to get to heaven." She's no longer teary, though.

This is really the first time that DD has talked about/heard that people and animals die. We've mentioned death in relation to plants, etc., but that's it.

Oh, and we have 2 cats (approx. 11yo and 8yo) and DD is wondering about their mortality and when they're going to die.

I really thought that the first time the subject of death arose that it would be one question and answer and then she'd think about it for awhile and DH and I would be able to figure out how to discuss things with her based on her initial question. I was NOT prepared for multiple questions about death and I was NOT ready for her to ask about her own mortality. Yikes.

[lilycat88]

I'll be watching this thread carefully. We're having to deal with it with DD who will be 4 at the end of June. My dad just entered hospice care with lung cancer. DD and grandpa are extremely close. We've not had any "real" conversations about death yet but we're going to have to start preparing her at least a little bit. In the car yesterday coming home from visiting him, I asked her if she knew grandpa was very sick and she said yes. I told her that he probably wasn't going to get better and her response was that he would but it would take a long time. *sigh* Unfortunately (or fortunately), she has been surrounded with very ill family members since she was born. My mom has been in some type of treatment or reconstruction (breast cancer) since DD was born and my sister-in-law lived with us for over 6 months while she had surgery/radiation/chemotherapy for treatment of a brain tumor last year. My mom and sister-in-law got better...even though they were "very sick".

Jamelin

[almostmom]

My son recently asked about this (age 4 1/2) as we were driving by a historic cemetary that we drive by every day, and my DD asked if she could play there sometime. I said we could go, but it is a special place, and that there is writing on the stones, when people were born, etc... My son got very interested in the "died" part (I tried to avoid it, but couldn't!), and I said that when people get very old, their bodies can't make everything work anymore and then people die. He wanted to know more, and since we're not very religious, and I was on the spot in the car with the questions coming at me, I told him it was like a tree or a plant, or animals, and that they live for a long time, but eventually they get very old and they go back into the earth, leaving seeds for the next tree, plant or animal. He liked this, and stopped asking questions.
A few days later, when I was talking about the fact that I came out of Grandma's belly, and she came out of her mom's belly, he asked where her mom was, if she had died. I said yes. He did say that he didn't want to die, and I reassured him that it wouldn't be for a very long time so he wouldn't focus on it.

That's our story. I was definitely taken aback by it, but impressed with his ability to listen and absorb such a serious topic.

[mom2binsd]

My DD who is almost 5 had to deal with the death of her great grandma about a year ago...we had moved back near family and she got to know great grammie...she died quickly but DD went to the hospital and we told her she was very sick and that she could say goodbye to her...we did not take her to the funeral...it was only a graveside service and she would have obsessed about the 'box'....but she talks often of looking at the clouds (esp. through the sunroof) and talking with great grammie Nellie..and apparently great grammie talks back...my mother died over 20 years ago so DD only knows her through pictures but she also fondly thinks of my mom, my dog from home and great grammie all together....but recently she has asked who will take care of her and DS if both daddy and I die...I've reassured her we will always be here for them....it just doesn't seem right to go into that one any more and to just reassure her at this point...I think they go through stages too when certain topics are fascinating to them but would will be anxious to read others perspectives on this topic.

[Piglet]

There is a really great book by Marc Brown (of Arthur fame) that is about death:

http://www.amazon.com/When-Dinosaurs.../dp/0316119555

DS1 went through a morbid phase and took it out of the library. DH insited on reading it with him and he said that it was VERY well written.

[erosenst]

Abby's grandfather died when she was almost four. We knew when he had a day or two left. We, like you, told her that he was very old and his body had stopped working.

The best advice I can give you is to try the best you can to answer the actual questions being asked - it's sometimes hard to determine what their REAL questions are - and they're likely not the things we think about. It turned out that Abby was the most concerned about Grandpa being on the ground when he died. In her mind, when leaves died, they fell on the ground. We assured her that he would die in bed, and then be buried. She then wanted to know how he would go to the bathroom - so we discussed that his body wouldn't need food and drink to work, so he wouldn't have to go to the bathroom. She was then satisfied.

Emily
Abby 4

[hardysmom]

This is a very real subject in our house right now...

First, for those of you with younger kids, open the subject when they are really little. Not a big discussion, just give them the words so it isn't so awkward.

The older they are when it first comes up, the more difficult. Hopefully, you can have the first talks BEFORE there is a death in their world. Use non-human/pet examples from nature, like flowers, bugs, etc... Everything in our world lives, then dies.

As someone mentioned, answer questions directly, as they are asked. Be direct. Don't worry about "explaining" everything. Admit that you don't know. Don't bridge into a big theology lesson. That is for another day.

If someone your child knows/loves is dying. Ask how they feel and go from there. It is sad. Validate their feelings, but try not to project adult emotions. Assure them that while it is sad, everything will be OK and life will go on.... They will still go to school, come home, have dinner, and everything will be the same.

Stephanie

[jamsmu]

I've never told anyone this (so it seems fitting to tell thousands of people at once, I guess!) but, when I was little, and to a certain degree now if I start obsessing about it, the idea of death absolutely, positively terrified me. I wanted reassurances from my mother of some sort, but she wasn't able to provide them and the idea of death and no longer living on earth was enough to send me into a mini panic attack.

I read this and, seriously Kirsten, I could have written it. Random things will still make me think of death and I get really upset. I just can't accept it. And I worry about me, the kids, DH, my parents, grandparents, etc. all the time. I used to keep my parents up for hours -- even all night because their answers weren't good enough. I've considered seeing a therapist but haven't, because I don't think anyone's answers could make it "okay" to me.

I also have issues dealing with space (as in outer). All the whys, hows, and what's out there lead me to thoughts of life and creation, which lead me to thoughts and fears of death.

Not helping at all... but I wanted to share that I totally get what you're talking about. Of course, our religions are different, but I only recently learned more about death in my religion and it helped some. Not enough, but some.

on the subject of your daughter, another very good book is What's Heaven by Maria Shriver. When I was teaching, if a parent called to tell me about a loss in the family, I'd always send it home to their house with a note to please read it first, but share with the kids if they thought it would help. It may be a little old for your daughter, but if she's thinking thoughts so mature, it may be one to check out.

[crayonblue]

Death is very real in our house too.

Shortly after Carmen's diagnosis, Lauren flat out asked, "Is Carmen going to die?" And, we said yes. From there, we have answered each question she has and often asked her what SHE thinks is the answer. For example, yesterday she asked, "Are you and daddy going to die and leave me here by myself?" I asked, "What do you think?" To which she said, "Well, daddy is going to die before you do because you are 32 and he is 33 and he will get to 100 before you do! And, I'll still be a little girl when you are 100 so I will be all by myself." I was then able to explain a little about how she would be all grown up and a maybe even a grandma when I am 100! She seemed very relieved that she wouldn't be a little girl. (Not sure where she got that people live to a hundred! I'll deal with that on a different day!) I have found over and over that what Lauren asks and what she is thinking about are two very different things. So, I try to get a bit of clarity before I jump into a whole big explanation!

I also try my very best not to "lie" to her. Meaning, if she asks me if Carmen is going to die before we do, I tell her that most likely yes, but I don't know. Tomorrow we can die in a car wreck and I don't want her little mind to forever remember mommy saying yes, Carmen would die first and then it being very different.

We are Christians so we do talk about Heaven. Mostly that when Carmen gets to Heaven, she will be able to run and smile and talk and she won't have Tay Sachs anymore. Lauren has been very interested in what Carmen might say to Jesus so we talk about that too. Lauren often tears up after she talks about Heaven and says she will miss Carmen so much and that she wants to go with her. And, I tell her that I will miss Carmen so very much too but that we will all get to be together again someday. That is very real to Lauren because she accepted Jesus into her heart this past year and knows she is going to Heaven.

I don't know if I've helped at all, but this is how we have tackled this very difficult subject with Lauren.

ETA: I have a few books on death/Heaven and have found that we can read them and then later Lauren may ask a question. I don't ever bring up the subject of death with Lauren but wait for her questions and thoughts.

[karstmama]

from my own 'when i was a child' files...

i felt very secure that i knew what would happen if mama and daddy both died. they told my brother & i fairly often that we would go to aunt viola and her family. it was very reassuring that they had thought of that, so if i was worrying about 'what if mama and daddy die in a wreck like so-n-so's parents?', i knew what the next step would be.

so perhaps some of you could tell your children that you've thought about things and have plans for if you die. maybe not at age 4, but the next time it comes up.

food for thought.