Interfaith families

[M&Mmom]

I was reading the thread about sending non-Catholic kids to Catholic schools and it got me thinking, again, about what we are going to do. I am Jewish and DH is Catholic and we intend to raise our kids with both. We are still working out how to do this and we are constantly told we have to pick one to be the primary religion. It is frustrating to not have any support in this decision.

So my first question is how many of you are in interfaith relationships? Have you chosen one religion for your kids to be raised in or are you doing both or neither? What sorts of things do you do? thankfully our kids are still quite young but soon enough we are going to have to start some education (Sunday school?) so any advice, BTDT, or whatever is greatly appreciated.

TIA

[pinkmomagain]

Hi Deb, We are an interfaith family too (I was raised Jewish, my husband Catholic). Neither of us are religious (although both of us received religious instruction as kids). We were married in a ceremony with both a rabbi and a catholic deacon. All three of our girls were baptised and had baby naming ceremonies. We as a family observe all the major holidays of both religions. We have a Xmas tree & menorah in the house, etc. We do not send our children to any religious instruction and provide none at home...except if asked about various traditions from either faith. We do not attend church or temple on a regular basis. I think once my husband took our older two to church for Easter because he felt like going. We do attend all family religious celebrations such as bar mitzvahs, christenings, etc.

We have been very successful operating this way and feel that our children are doing just A-OK. Our oldest two are 12 and 9 so we've had some experience with this and I can tell you that they are probably two of the kindest, well-behaved, respectful, ethical kids we encounter. And the funny thing is I have become known as the hard-nosed mom in regards to what movies they could see and priviledges,etc. as compared to some of their peers' moms who attend church every Sunday!

In answer to your question, I think it can be done very successfully if there is no formal religious instruction. If you and your husband feel strongly about that component, then there may be some working out to do.

If you have any specific questions about our experiences, I'd be happy to answer.

[Fairy]

We are also interfaith in the same way you are. I'm Jewish, DH Catholic, making DS a Cashew. Ya got your Russian Jews, ya got your Polish Jews, DS is a Catholic Jew. Heh.

We also intend to raise him both. Catholicism and Judaism go very well together cuz they're very similar. Other than Jesus being the savior, of course. But they're heavy on tradition, repetition, and focus on the Old Testament. We belong to a real average Catholic church that DH never goes to. We don't belong to a synagogue yet, as we're picky. My dad is Jewish and my mom is Catholic (very complicated, don't ask), and she is very active in her church in Chicago. They have a huge interfaith community and are a bit progressive for a Catholic church. Chicago's Mayor Daley belongs to it, too. Anyhoo, they have an interfaith school and do alot of Sunday School with focus on being interfaith.

DS had a baby naming (I don't like briss's; he was snipped in the hospital), and he was also baptized. We had big catered parties at restaurants after each one; they were equal. We were married by a preist and rabbi in a dual ceremony; equal. We feel that as long as DS has the cultural understanding of his family's religious background that he will be well-rounded and can decide for himself later. If we send him for religious education, he will have both for a full view, with all or none of the sacraments and ceremonies. It is up to us as his parents to explain why they're different and what it means to us. Some people think this is impossible. I say anything is possible if we interpret it to be so.

We do Xmas and Hanukkah big time. He gets gifts on Xmas from us and from Santa. He gets three or four nights of gifts on Hanukkah, and each of the other nights, we light the candles but no gifts; instead, we go do a mitzvah for someone, like putting $$ in the salvation army can, buying books for foster kids at Barnes & Noble, buying a toy for toys for tots, or going to Goodwill with something of his he's ready to give up on. Now, last year we were all sick and it was a nightmare, so we didn't get thru all our mitzvahs, but that's ok :-). Of course, we're in headless chicken mode with the nine sides of the family in both faiths and barely have two seconds to ourselves the entire month of December.

Passover and Easter are the only real challenge. DH keeps lent but won't eat fish or pasta (ugh!). So, can you imagine what Passover dinner is like if it happens to fall on Good Friday? Or any Friday? Not. Fun.

I have more I could go into, but this is long already! I'd love to hear how you're doing things, and/or other folks in our situation! Thanks so much for posting this, it's a great thread.

-- Fairy

[Fairy]

Hi Deb, We are an interfaith family too (I was raised Jewish, my husband Catholic). Neither of us are religious (although both of us received religious instruction as kids). We were married in a ceremony with both a rabbi and a catholic deacon. All three of our girls were baptised and had baby naming ceremonies. We as a family observe all the major holidays of both religions. We have a Xmas tree & menorah in the house, etc. We do not send our children to any religious instruction and provide none at home...except if asked about various traditions from either faith. We do not attend church or temple on a regular basis. I think once my husband took our older two to church for Easter because he felt like going. We do attend all family religious celebrations such as bar mitzvahs, christenings, etc.

We have been very successful operating this way and feel that our children are doing just A-OK. Our oldest two are 12 and 9 so we've had some experience with this and I can tell you that they are probably two of the kindest, well-behaved, respectful, ethical kids we encounter. And the funny thing is I have become known as the hard-nosed mom in regards to what movies they could see and priviledges,etc. as compared to some of their peers' moms who attend church every Sunday!

In answer to your question, I think it can be done very successfully if there is no formal religious instruction. If you and your husband feel strongly about that component, then there may be some working out to do.

If you have any specific questions about our experiences, I'd be happy to answer.

I just wanna say, Pinkmom, this is exactly us on the nose almost 100%. You said it so much better than I did!

[mommylamb]

I'm not sure if you'd really call us an interfaith family or not... I'm an agnostic Jew-by-culture and DH is an atheist raised in the Church of England kind-of-sort-of. So since neither one of us really believes in God (though I still call myself Agnostic), we're pretty similar. DS is only 16 months so we haven't really tackled the tough issues yet, but the plan is to raise him without religion but celebrate the fun holidays. My sister and her husband (in a similar situation) say they're "Christmanikan" which means they celebrate the holidays with gifts.

We'll be doing a Christmas tree for the first time this year, and I'm planning to get a menorah and attempt to remember the Hanukkah prayers... it's been a while... but I don't think I'd ever go in for the organized religion stuff because I'd feel like I was being fake to my son when I don't really believe it. Maybe someday I'll look into reconstructionist Judaism.

[Fairy]

I'm planning to get a menorah and attempt to remember the Hanukkah prayers... it's been a while...

Baruch ata adanois
eloheinu melach haolum
Asher Kiddusheinu, Bar mitzvah tov
Vitzi Vonu
Lehadlick Nair
Shel Hanukkah

That's not just badly translitterated, it's atrocious even in its lay-phonetics. But there, it's a start.

[citymama]

Baruch ata adanois
eloheinu melach haolum
Asher Kiddusheinu, Bar mitzvah tov
Vitzi Vonu
Lehadlick Nair
Shel Hanukkah

That's not just badly translitterated, it's atrocious even in its lay-phonetics. But there, it's a start.

I cheated and found this on Wikipedia:
Barukh ata Adonai Eloheinu melekh ha‑olam, asher kid'shanu b'mitzvotav vetzivanu l'hadlik ner (shel) hanuka.

--edited--

We are also a interfaith family. We celebrate major holidays and try and pass on traditions we grew up with. I like to be inclusive i.e. I am happy to celebrate holidays outside our religions if DD is interested. None of us goes to temple or church ever, so observance isn't really an issue. I wish I could share more about our religions and cultures with DD, so she could actually be raised both religions rather than not having any religious upbringing at all, which seems to be the way we're headed.

[Snow mom]

Hi Deb, We are an interfaith family too (I was raised Jewish, my husband Catholic). Neither of us are religious (although both of us received religious instruction as kids). We were married in a ceremony with both a rabbi and a catholic deacon. All three of our girls were baptised and had baby naming ceremonies. We as a family observe all the major holidays of both religions. We have a Xmas tree & menorah in the house, etc. We do not send our children to any religious instruction and provide none at home...except if asked about various traditions from either faith. We do not attend church or temple on a regular basis. I think once my husband took our older two to church for Easter because he felt like going. We do attend all family religious celebrations such as bar mitzvahs, christenings, etc.

We have been very successful operating this way and feel that our children are doing just A-OK. Our oldest two are 12 and 9 so we've had some experience with this and I can tell you that they are probably two of the kindest, well-behaved, respectful, ethical kids we encounter. And the funny thing is I have become known as the hard-nosed mom in regards to what movies they could see and priviledges,etc. as compared to some of their peers' moms who attend church every Sunday!

In answer to your question, I think it can be done very successfully if there is no formal religious instruction. If you and your husband feel strongly about that component, then there may be some working out to do.

This describes very well how I was raised. Neither of my parents is really religious but they come from different religious backgrounds. I was exposed to both religions as a child although we never went to church or temple as a family. We celebrated all the holidays and I occasionally went to church with friends if I had slept over at their house on Saturday night. I feel this upbringing made me very accepting of the beliefs of others. My DH and SIL were raised Catholic and both hate all forms of organized religion. Many other people I know who were raised a particular religion are only tolerant of their own beliefs, even if those beliefs supposedly include not judging others. I'd recommend you think about what you want your children to achieve through their exposure to religion. It might be possible to raise them to understand both faiths, but believing all the teachings of both faiths seems incompatible to me.


~Lisa

[Tondi G]

We are an interfaith family as well. Dh is jewish, non practicing. I was baptized Catholic but only went to Catholic church maybe a handful of times.. easter and Christmas a few times.

Our boys celebrate Christmas, we have a tree (but so did DH growing up cause his mom and his grandmother both liked the idea of Christmas and Santa... despite being jewish). We also have a Menorah and light the candles and they get presents a couple of nights. DH's family get together for Passover and we read from the books. So the boys get a small idea of what it's all about. We have an easter egg hunt on Easter. Neither of our boys have been to Church or Temple yet.

My DH's father is living in Isreal currently studying at a Yeshiva and is forever encouraging our family to visit him in Isreal. I am not opposed to it but we aren't jumping on a 13 hour flight anytime soon!!!! I would rather go when the boys can actually learn from and really experience the trip and the places we visit.

Religion is an interesting thing. Some days I wish we went to Church and had a Church community and other times we are quite content without it being a big part of our daily lives.

[M&Mmom]

Wow! Thanks for the replies ladies! Our situation is a little more complicated I guess since both DH and I want to do some formal education in both religions so that DC's can make an informed decision later on. Part of this stems from the fact that DH teaches in a Jesuit High School, which DC's will go to when the time comes if he is still there. They provide a fabulous education, but I feel that if they will be having that Catholic education I want them to get the other side equally as much! I don't care if they choose to be bar/bat mitzvah'd but I want them to have the education so that they can be.

When we got married, 8+ years ago, Colorado's Rabbinical association would not do interfaith marriages so we had a Jesuit priest and a Jewish officiant. The priest was fantastic and did a wonderful job combining the faiths and their similarities. We want that kind of thing. We have now found a brick wall in this area, especially from the Catholic side but Jews too. No Jewish day school will accept an elementary kid without the express statement that we are raising our kids Jewish. I don't like to lie just to get them into school! I'd actually prefer to do public school, Dh wants private. But that is another thread!

I haven't looked into Sunday School programs or Hebrew school. We don't belong to a Church or a Temple. We went to High Holy Days with this great group called Judaism Your Way but they don't have an actual place - Shabbot once a month somewhere in the city. We go to Xmas and Easter services with DH's parents. We did a bris for DS, just the three of us and then did a naming ceremony that incorporated both religions for both DC's.

So while we do the major holidays, Xmas, Easter, Passover, Hannukkah, High Holy Days, I want more. I want to give them the basic education of both religions so they have that if they choose it. DH says he wants more too but he has done even less than I have in regards to finding a church, etc. I am happy to go, but I am not choosing a church!! I wish there was something here like Fairy has - the interfaith school and community.

I guess I just want some support that it is possible and successful to do both and get some ideas on how to go about it - without moving to Chicago!