How to help 4 yo work through disputes?

[niccig]

We have an issue with a boy in our playgroup. DS and he will be on a playdate, and they'll be a problem - not sharing, taking toys, etc. Both I and the other mother will step in to resolve it. But 5-10 mins later, the other boy will hit/pinch/kick DS because he's still angry over the earlier problem. The other mother does deal with the hitting etc when it happens, but next play date same thing. It's only when DS and he have a playdate together, it doesn't happen when the entire playgroup is together.

I asked DS's preschool teachers how to deal with it. They suggested getting the 2 boys involved in settling the dispute, but the adults need to provide guidance. They also said to ask when it's settled if they're still angry or if they're now OK to keep playing. They felt that even though we the parents think it's settled, the little boy is still angry, so he later lashes out.

So, first question - how do I help them work through the dispute?

2nd question, both teachers said that this might be happening to DS and not the other playgroup kids because DS is smaller than the other boy. How do I help DS with dealing with bigger kids that may want to push him around. Both teachers said it can happen that bigger kids try to be more physical with smaller kids to get their own way.

3rd. question - when this happens again, how do I tell the other mum that it's a problem that needs to be dealt with, without coming across as I'm telling her how to parent her kid. They're good friends, and DS feels like this boy is his brother. I would like it to stay that way, but without DS getting hurt.

Thanks.

[WatchingThemGrow]

When I was teaching, at one point our district did a huge push for prosocial skills. Teaching kids steps to respond to different situations. I wish I could think of all the steps right now, but I'm exhausted and my mind is crashing. It would be like:

1. Think of what the problem is

2. Think of how you feel.

3. Tell the person how you are feeling.

4. Ask the person to _______

5. Congratulate yourself on telling the person how you are feeling.

That kind of thing, where they take ownership of the situation and tell the person in words why they are angry, frustrated, etc.

Here is the early childhood version of the book we used http://www.amazon.com/Skillstreaming...5941871&sr=8-3

My book is in the attic or I'd grab it and try to look up the steps to resolving whatever conflict it would be.

[MamaKath]

Tell the person how you are feeling.

I think this is a huge part of helping kids solve problems! They often don't have the words to say how they feel. Giving them words and helping them to say them to the other child empowers them.

As far as the other child letting things go afterward, I think you need to talk to the mom at some point. Many kids are very black and white with no gray area kids. If they feel that an injustice has occurred they are very likely to act out. Can the mom provide some insight and help intervene to make him feel like things can be fairly worked out, and giving him an option for time away if he needs to calm down?

HTH~

[o_mom]

The book 'Raising a Thinking Child' is great for teaching kids to problem solve.

[niccig]

Thanks ladies, I'll look into those books. I will talk to the mum about it. DS considers her son to be his brother, and I would like them to spend time together, but not at the cost of DS getting hurt because the other little boy is still angry. There has to be a way to help them work out their differences and to deal with the anger.

Nicci