Page 1 of 2 1 2 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 17
  1. #1
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Location
    Kentucky, United States.
    Posts
    670

    Default His daughter and my daughter

    My daughter, Ellen is 5 years old. Her father (my ex-husband) left us when she was 17 months old, and moved 8 hours away from her when she was 23 months old. At first, he came back to see her every two weeks. Then it was once a month. Most recently, he hadn't seen her for three months.

    I am involved with a man whose daughter is three years old. He and I have been romantically involved for 8 months; however, we were very close friends for the preceding two years.

    Chris is affectionate and loving with his daughter. It's one of the things that I've always found so attractive about him. His daughter loves him, too - she's very much a daddy's girl.

    When the four of us are together, I'm often mistaken for the mother for both girls. I take that as a compliment. I try to treat both girls the same, and I think I do the vast majority of the time. Though I'll never be her mother or her father, I do think she has love for me and regards me as someone who loves her.

    What makes me sad is that it is very obvious (to me) that he *displays* so much more affection for his own daughter, even when we're together. I know that he will *feel* more affection for his own daughter v. my daughter, as do I, but I do try not to *display* it.

    He picks his daughter up, hugs and kisses her, makes funny faces at her, etc. He *occasionally* does that with my daughter, but not with the frequency that he does his own.

    I know Ellen will never hold the same place in his heart that his own daughter does - I don't expect her to. We've talked before about her, and he's told me that he expects that he will be the father figure in Ellen's life - in short, he realizes that we come as a package deal.

    What I'd like is for him to treat both of our girls the same when we're all together - even though he may love his own daughter more than mine. I don't really know how to accomplish this - or even if it's reasonable to ask for it.

    Help!

  2. #2
    kellij is offline Platinum level (1000+ posts)
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Posts
    1,784

    Default

    Men need help. As much as you can possibly give them! I think it's totally reasonable to want that for your daughter, but you have to spell it out to him. I think you should approach him as lovingly as possible and tell him about your concerns. It might change with time naturally. Another thing to consider is how your daughter responds to him. Maybe she's less open to him than his own daughter is. If he's a good guy, and it sounds like he is, I'm sure he'll do the best he possibly can if you just let him know what you and your daughter need from him.


    Kelli

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Posts
    488

    Default

    Maybe he's not sure if that is appropriate. A lot of women don't want their S/Os to show their children that much affection because they don't want the child to start to consider this man "Daddy," just in case things don't work out. Until you tell him you want that he won't know. He sounds like a great guy...I think you should just be honest with him...I am willing to bet that he is doing it out of concern for you and your daughter.

  4. #4
    deborah_r is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    Location
    California, USA.
    Posts
    6,177

    Default

    No advice, just want to say hi! Haven't seen you around in a long time!
    Deb
    Mama to my guys, K (May '03) and Q (June '07)

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    271

    Default

    I'd talk to him, as he sounds like a good man who would try to understand where you are coming from. However, it may take time to get to the point you want, and he may take longer than you do with his daughter.

    I'm a stepmom. My DSD is 20 now, but I've known her all her life and been her stepmom for 12 years. I love her and think the world of her. However, I admit it took a few years for me to completely warm up to her and feel as comfortable around her as I do now.

    I always treated her kindly, showed her love, did everything for her I possibly could, and she was a wonderful, kind child who was very easy to love, but in looking back, I wasn't as relaxed or open with her as I am now, and I certainly wasn't as physically demonstrative as I could have been. DH greatly encouraged me, and that helped, but honestly it just took time for me to feel at ease with her and it wasn't something that could be forced.

    For example, with my nieces, I hugged and kissed them without a second thought, but with my DSD, I hesitated and honestly felt a little awkward--sometimes even wondering did she really want me to hug her, whereas with my nieces, I knew they loved their aunt. It wasn't that I didn't care about her, but it just didn't come as naturally to me. That changed over time, but I think we needed that time to really get to know each other and gel together. That may be the situation here as well. As long as he treats your daughter with love and respect and care, I would give it some time.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Posts
    5,299

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by ILoveLucy
    I'd talk to him, as he sounds like a good man who would try to understand where you are coming from. However, it may take time to get to the point you want, and he may take longer than you do with his daughter.

    I'm a stepmom. My DSD is 20 now, but I've known her all her life and been her stepmom for 12 years. I love her and think the world of her. However, I admit it took a few years for me to completely warm up to her and feel as comfortable around her as I do now.

    I always treated her kindly, showed her love, did everything for her I possibly could, and she was a wonderful, kind child who was very easy to love, but in looking back, I wasn't as relaxed or open with her as I am now, and I certainly wasn't as physically demonstrative as I could have been. DH greatly encouraged me, and that helped, but honestly it just took time for me to feel at ease with her and it wasn't something that could be forced.

    For example, with my nieces, I hugged and kissed them without a second thought, but with my DSD, I hesitated and honestly felt a little awkward--sometimes even wondering did she really want me to hug her, whereas with my nieces, I knew they loved their aunt. It wasn't that I didn't care about her, but it just didn't come as naturally to me. That changed over time, but I think we needed that time to really get to know each other and gel together. That may be the situation here as well. As long as he treats your daughter with love and respect and care, I would give it some time.
    I haven't had this life experience but it sounds like you're wanting to push it faster than he, and possibly your DD, is comfortable. He's not going to respond to a little girl he's known a few months the same way he responds to a child he has raised from birth. I think the fact that you mostly do that is because of a woman's nurturing tendency, not because he doesn't feel the same way you do.

    I'd give it time, possibly a lot of time but wouldn't give up on him. He sounds like a good guy.
    Truth does not become more true by virtue of the fact that the entire world agrees with it, nor less so even if the whole world disagrees with it.
    --Moses Maimonides

  7. #7
    o_mom is online now Pink Diamond level (15,000+ posts)
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Location
    Central IN
    Posts
    15,743

    Default

    I think, like PPs said, he just may not be sure what is appropriate. Even though she hasn't seen her bio-dad recently, he may be afraid of appearing to try and take over that role.

    The other thing to remember is that men have to carry around the stigma that anyone who is overly affectionate or interested in a child is a potential molester. Not saying at all that this is the case, but the judgement and questioning does happen.
    Mama to three boys ('03, '05, '07)

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Location
    Kentucky, United States.
    Posts
    670

    Default

    You're right. It has been very easy for me to be physically affectionate and demonstrative with his daughter. I guess I expect for it to be that easy for him, too, but it's completely not his personality to be such.

    Last night, he came over to watch a movie, and I could tell when he walked in that he had a migraine (something he has often and it concerns me). Ellen was hopping and jumping around and he just couldn't accommodate her. I instead of seeing it for what it was - a man who was sick and couldn't tolerate a hopping skipping and jumping five-year-old, I saw it as Ellen's complete life of male rejection.

    Did I mention I have PMS? hahaa!

    I think it also has something to do with the very different personalities our girls have. Ellen is constantly moving, hopping, leaping, twirling, and skipping. She's very gregarious and very much a girl. His daughter is a lot like him, quiet and introspective, and doesn't warm to people easily.

    He does take both girls outside to chase them, play soccer with them, swing them around by their arms. He is a good man.

    I just need to relax. And get some Midol!!!!!!

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    209

    Default

    Being a stepparent is one of the most difficult roles I have faced in life. However you and your guy aren't there yet right - you are not married? It is still early in the game.

    It is difficult to group all men (or women) one way or another. However, the issue O Mom mentioned - concerns the limits of affection/physical between your daughter and him are always present. I was once cautioned about being too affectionate with my stepdaughter and it kind of bummed me out to have to even think about it that way. Men can be limited by society this way.

    Also - while your daughter is young and biodad is mostly out of the picture for now - this may not always be the case. Your daughter may go through phases in her own feelings for your new man vs. biodad. I am going through this phase now where my SD is on the upswing with biodad and I am experiencing a loss (more of a shift) of affection and appreciation from her after many years of closeness. Your own man may have feelings, fears, or thoughts along this way too - that he may not be fully accepted by her either. Give it time.

    A very difficult and complicated role for a man or a woman.
    Last edited by crazydiamond; 11-06-2008 at 09:45 AM.

  10. #10
    mommy111 is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    .
    Posts
    5,219

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by irie i
    Maybe he's not sure if that is appropriate. A lot of women don't want their S/Os to show their children that much affection because they don't want the child to start to consider this man "Daddy," just in case things don't work out. Until you tell him you want that he won't know. He sounds like a great guy...I think you should just be honest with him...I am willing to bet that he is doing it out of concern for you and your daughter.
    I agree, it may be that.
    Also, don't necessarily think that, if you do build a life together, that he will never love your daughter as much as he loves his. I have a much older friend who had a daughter, married a second time, she says that she never thought her new husband loved her daughter E as much as he did his own daughter, until the day when E developed appendicitis, my friend, E's mom was out of town, and he had to take her to the hospital and BE dad. Now, about 18 years later, he is so close to E, I thought it was really amusing how serious her was when E's boyfriend asked his permission to ask E to marry him.
    Give it time. Children have a very special way of opening up our hearts.

Page 1 of 2 1 2 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •