Desperately seeking toddler sleep advice - at wit's end

[Momof3Labs]

Does she sleep with any white noise - machine or fan? That definitely helps our boys fall asleep faster and keeps them from jumping up at every little noise, thinking that they are missing something.

DS2's room is very dark at night (get room-darkening shades if you don't already have them), and when he calls us back in, we tell him that everyone is sleeping and he needs to sleep too. We also keep the hallway dark to reinforce that story line. I've also used the "I need to go to the bathroom; I'll be back when I'm done" line and not gone back in - he never calls me back, so I presume that he has fallen asleep on his own while I'm gone.

My DH pretends to fall asleep on the occasion that DS2 calls us back in and demands that he needs someone with him. DH will sit with him for a couple of minutes and then pretends to fall asleep - perhaps that will work with your back patting/rubbing routine, and then when she actually falls asleep too, you can leave. When she figures out that you'll come if she needs you, but you're pretty boring to have around, she'll probably start calling a lot less.

An earlier bedtime is wise, too, and easier now that it gets dark so much earlier. My boys go down at 7:30pm and have to wake up shortly after 6:30am; given that your DD has to wake up at 6am, I'd even try to put her down closer to 7pm if you can.

Your DD is in day care all day, she misses her parents (especially mom), she doesn't want to miss the household activity after her bedtime - there are a lot of things going on at this age, but you can still work with her to restore a peaceful bedtime.

[elektra]

DD is 19 mo and we went through something similar from about 13-16 months. I read/skimmed the Weissbluth book and the suggestion of the earlier bedtime really worked for us. It cut down on the night wakings, and it actually lessened the time it took her to settle down, not the opposite.
Also, DD would go down for her nap with NO problems if my dad (who watches her once a week) would do it, so I knew she was capable. I think the kids act differently depending on who is caring for them.

[hillview]

DS was like this til age 2. He was a rock him in your lap til asleep guy. We did a cio thing with him for a week where he cried for up to 2 hours. It was awful. He now sleeps without us. We take him to bed, read 2-3 books, drink milk (know this is not ideal) and then turn off lights and go to bed. He gets 3 animal crackers for staying in bed -- not coming out and getting up at 6 am. He goes to bed at 7:30 or so. We only did CIO b/c I was pg and knew I couldn't deal with 2 who required this bedtime routine.

On average he sleeps 7-6 and on weekends will sleep 8-6 with a 2 hr nap (no nap in preschool).

GOOD LUCK!
/hillary

[boolady]

I don't have a whole lot more to add to the great advice that you've gotten already except that I've been a huge believer in Weissbluth's "sleep begets sleep" mantra. My DD has been getting to bed on the later side this week and I find that she's waking earlier and earlier.

We are total believers in the sleep begets sleep in my house, too. This is why I might not have daycare cut off her naps...on days when my DD (24 months) sleeps 2 1/2 hours at daycare, she settles down for bed and is much more calm and less fussy/overtired than when she naps for 1 1/2 or 2 hours. The same is true for the 3 days a week she naps at home.

My DD is a perfect example of how putting her to bed 1/2 hour late means settling down takes an hour longer than if she was not overtired.

[citymama]

Your DD is in day care all day, she misses her parents (especially mom), she doesn't want to miss the household activity after her bedtime - there are a lot of things going on at this age, but you can still work with her to restore a peaceful bedtime.

This is exactly it, IMO. She wants her mommy time - this is a girl who was breastfed till she self-weaned at 20 months, and mom is her security blanket. Knowing that she is basically trying to get more time with me breaks my heart - I find it impossible to go the CIO route, to make her feel in any way I am "rejecting" her. She is in daycare from 9-4 and I think bedtime/night time is her mommy time - she wants to extend it as long as possible. And it is true that my guilt (as well as enjoyment of one-on-one time with her) has helped cement this awful bedtime rut we are caught in - which is resulting in neither "bonding time," nor rest for either of us.

Another thing I hope to change, although it won't happen until early next year, is I plan to go back to a reduced workday. (I was working two-thirds time, until my boss quit last month which has doubled my workload to more than FT! I plan to be back to PT work and more time with DD early next yr, fingers crossed. )

don't have a whole lot more to add to the great advice that you've gotten already except that I've been a huge believer in Weissbluth's "sleep begets sleep" mantra.

I 100% agree, and this has been our experience with DD (formerly a champion sleeper, by day and night). Maybe I should not have daycare wake her up before she is ready to wake up from her nap? And I agree re early bedtime - it will be good for all of us, incl. DH and me having some grown-up time together that doesn't involve me being a wreck!

Thank you, thank you, thank you all! You have no idea how much solace this brings.

(Oh, and a white noise machine may be on our shopping list for this weekend!)