Condolence call questions-what do you say?

[newmomto1]

Okay, I KNOW this sounds like a silly question...

But when you pay a visit to a family who has just had a member pass away, what do you say?

We are going to a shiva this evening. For those who do not know, a shiva is (in the Jewish religion) a period of time where people gather & visit after the death of a loved one. It's a time for people to visit, pay their condolences, & remember the loved one's life.

Somehow, I always feel awkward with the "I am so sorry for your loss" or "I am so sorry about your Dad", etc.

I do not know WHY I feel awkward. Is it just me? Is there soemthing better I could say?? I am just not good at this (which is ridiculous since I was a nurse for 13 years!!!!!!!!!).

Somehow, in the hospital setting I as better at it.

So, what do YOU say????????

[rlu]

Did you know the person who passed? If so, a rememberance "I remember when Joe graduated from high school" or "Joe once told me how much he loved your pies" or something .

Also, "is there anything I can do?" will probably just get a polite response, but if there are young children in the family offering to take them for a playdate on a coming up day or even just for a walk while you are there could be appreciated.

Your presence is your support, that's the important thing.

[elektra]

I think "I am so sorry" or "I am sorry for your loss" are the most appropriate things to say.
I think less is more really.
I try to also stay away from things like, "he's better off" or "things happen for a reason" or "God has a plan" because even though I may believe these things, the person just may not want to hear that at that moment or maybe they don't agree.
Sometimes I think it's approriate to add something like, "he meant so much to me" or something short, sweet and sincere like that. But whenever I have the slightest doubt, I don't think you can go wrong with "I am so sorry".

[StantonHyde]

My mom died 2 years ago and here are the things I wanted to hear and/or appreciated hearing:

1. I am so sorry for your loss (NOT "what are you going to about your father?"!)

2. I hope that God is giving you what you need to get through this time. (NOT "she is in a better place")

3. I remember when..so many nice stories about my mom.

[tnrnchick74]

My mom died 2 years ago and here are the things I wanted to hear and/or appreciated hearing:

1. I am so sorry for your loss (NOT "what are you going to about your father?"!)

2. I hope that God is giving you what you need to get through this time. (NOT "she is in a better place")

3. I remember when..so many nice stories about my mom.

My grandmother died back in Feb and I TOTALLY agree with this post. The people I remember from the viewing and funeral were the ones who came up to me and told me stories about my grandmother. We all know she's in a better place, but we still miss her!

[newmomto1]

Thanks for all the advice.
Unfortunately, I barely knew the man.
So, I guess I'll stick with "I am so sorry for your loss".
Thanks again!!