Question for those with cross-sex friendships--what precautions, if any, do you take?

[justlearning]

I enjoyed reading the diversity of opinions regarding cross-sex friendships in the other thread--very interesting. I'm curious now at what precautions, if any, those of you in cross-sex friendships (involving heterosexuals) take to ensure that they don't turn into something that would be damaging to your marriage.

For example...

* Does your husband have knowledge of all your communications with your friend (and access to your email, etc.) or are there some things he doesn't know about?

* Do you selectively choose friends whom you don't find physically attractive and/or who don't meet specific needs (e.g., compliments) unmet by your husband?

* Do you intentionally end a friendship with a man if you begin to feel like he's attracted to you? Do you end it if you feel like you're starting to like him more than you should?

* Do you try to just go out with the friend in group settings or are you fine with getting together by yourselves?

* Do you try to have your husband become friends on some level with your friend?

I hope you understand that I'm asking these questions because I'm truly interested in how you manage your friendships so successfully. I found your responses in the other thread insightful and just want to hear more about the nature of your friendships...

[HIU8]

I had a friend who I was friends with looooong before I met DH. There was NOTHING between us other than friendship that began when we were in our early 20's working at a summercamp. That being said, my life moved forward, his did not. After I got married my friend still wanted to go out on a saturday night to the movies with just me. After DS was born he would call and say to just leave DS with DH so we could go out to get a bite to eat. I tried to explain to him that I just could not drop things at 5 and go get dinner anymore. He didn't get it and I think got angry/upset. We simply stopped communicating. I just found him on facebook. He is single and goes to comic shows and dresses up like his favorite comic book character. Really now.......you are over 35.....

[egoldber]

I don't even know how to answer your questions. Honestly, the thought of precautions never even entered my mind. Even if I said to myself, "Co-worker Joe is an attractive man" that does not mean I am attracted to Joe, does that make sense? Or even if I were, that I would act on it.

DH did not have access to work e-mail because that was company communications and proprietary information. He knows the password to my personal e-mail (and I to his) so he could access that e-mail if he chose. It's not done as a "precaution" though, simply because those are our "standard" passwords, so we know them. I have occasionally accessed his e-mail to find something like a Priceline trip itinerary, etc.

When we went out after work it was often in a group setting. For lunch I often went out with just one person and often that was a man. I never even gave it a thought. And DH as well. Although most of his co-workers were also male, there were a few women there that were in his friend circle. Some of them I would consider very attractive women.

Now I am not naive. There were people at my work (and his) who were cheating on their spouses. Most of us knew it. It seemed to me that it was pretty readily apparent when people were crossing the line and when they weren't. JMO.

[Fairy]

After DS was born he would call and say to just leave DS with DH so we could go out to get a bite to eat. I tried to explain to him that I just could not drop things at 5 and go get dinner anymore.

Curious ... why? I have this issue with a couple friends who just won't go out and socialize anymore. They're girls, so it's not a cross-gender thing. But I've always been puzzled by this approach where once you're married and especially after you have a child that it becomes unacceptable to leave your child with your spouse for an evening of socializing with a friend. Not every week! Just, ya know, a few times a year, let's catch up, have a burger, see a movie, have friend time. Are you saying it's just because he's male, or do you feel this way for any friendship?

My DH has poker once a month like clockwork, and I encourage him. I say, go get out, leave, have a great time, don't come home till you've had your fill of fun, cuz you work hard and dedicate yourself unselfishly every other day of the month, so have at it, Honey. And he does the same for me, tho admittedly, I have more on my plate than he does extra-curricularly, but I'm on my own with DS four days a week, so it kind of works out :-). But, I have two friends who don't espouse this. Long long term friends. It's frustrating for me, but I respect it and just deal. So, I'm interested in this and why it's not ok to, if planned properly, just leave your DC with your DH and have a night out with a friend.

ETA -->

He is single and goes to comic shows and dresses up like his favorite comic book character. Really now.......you are over 35.....

This is bad? I love Star Trek and go to Trek conventions often (well ... not lately, but it has been a big part of my social life), and while I'm not a dresser-upper, I know lots of people who are, and they're of all ages. Most of them are normal!

[mommylamb]

Well, unfortunately for my single female friends, most of my male friends are either married or gay. I would never think of it as needing to have any specific rules because, when there's really nothing going on, rules seem kind of silly. Would you set up rules about your female friends. That said, here are my answers to the Qs you raise.

* Does your husband have knowledge of all your communications with your friend (and access to your email, etc.) or are there some things he doesn't know about?

I can't imagine telling him about any and every communication because that would bore him to death. But, I don't think it's fair to say that there are some things he doesn't know about because then it sounds like I'd be hiding something. I meet three of my male friends for happy hour once a month. I used to work with all of them. Two are married, one is newly engaged. DH used to join us sometimes before we had DS, but now one of us needs to be home to pick up DS, so it's just me and my friends.

* Do you selectively choose friends whom you don't find physically attractive and/or who don't meet specific needs (e.g., compliments) unmet by your husband?

Just pick them based on their personalities. Some are attractive, some aren't.

* Do you intentionally end a friendship with a man if you begin to feel like he's attracted to you? Do you end it if you feel like you're starting to like him more than you should?

If a friend of mine ever hit on me, I would end the friendship. I can't imagine any ever would because they all know I love my husband dearly, and They're just not the type.

* Do you try to just go out with the friend in group settings or are you fine with getting together by yourselves?

It's usually group settings, but sometimes one on one. Just the way it turns out.

* Do you try to have your husband become friends on some level with your friend?

My DH is friends with most of them.

[Ceepa]

Curious ... why? I have this issue with a couple friends who just won't go out and socialize anymore. They're girls, so it's not a cross-gender thing. But I've always been puzzled by this approach where once you're married and especially after you have a child that it becomes unacceptable to leave your child with your spouse for an evening of socializing with a friend.

Maybe she means she can't drop everything at a moment's notice? I just give DH a head's up (and vice versa) and we're happy for the other person to get a break.

[HIU8]

I'm talking like every week or twice a week, not just once in a blue moon. For a long while going places with me was his only form of entertainment. After I got married DH and I would invite him over and he would decline EVERY SINGLE TIME. As for the comic thing, for some reason I always thought the comic thing was childish--and yes, I am a trekkie, but comic still feels more childish to me for some reason.

[Fairy]

Ok, to the OP's questions, I espouse pretty much what Beth said. The thought of precautions? Never entered my mind! We very much trust each other, and it's just part of the fabric of our marriage, so it's just not even a recognized thing. It's like, the sky is blue. Given. I'm just not sure how to wrap my mind around precautions, becasue that says to me that I'm assuming cheating is a high risk. Cheating is a risk in every marriage. The only question is whether or not it's a high risk or a low risk. Here are my answers to your qeustions:

* Does your husband have knowledge of all your communications with your friend (and access to your email, etc.) or are there some things he doesn't know about?
No, he doesn't. Not because I'm hiding anything, but becasue the mundane discussions of "well, I got six emails today, two were from X, two were spam, the others were from yadda yadda, and I also IM'd with Billy today, and I talked on the phone with ABC ..." seem silly to discuss. I mean, I certainly tell DH, I talked to so and so today and if I made plans with a friend and that stuff like that about my day, but no way on earth do I lay it all out cover to cover. B-O-R-I-N-G. It's as if the assumption is that one should disclosecommunicating with a male friend. I don't functiont hat way, and neither does DH. He works out of town, often with women, and sometimes they stay in the same hotel for months on end (home on the weekends). It is absoltuely possible for him to step out, and he's got all the opportunity in the world. But I believe with sureness and peace that he's not. So, precautions. No. We talk every single day, usually three times a day, and stay very connected so that our relationship and family unit can remain strong.

* Do you selectively choose friends whom you don't find physically attractive and/or who don't meet specific needs (e.g., compliments) unmet by your husband?
Fascinating question. Never thoguth about this at all. No, I definitely do not approach choosing friends this way. I'm the type of person who has the same friends today that I did 10 and 20 and 30 years ago. I have very few "new" friends. Lots of new acquaintances. When you're part of the mommy community, people come and go as the kids do. So, that's a given. But real live friends? I have a hard time making ne4w ones cuz I don't want them. I want my old friends. But I'm the very friendly sort, so I do end up makign some here and there. Especially cuz I'm an actor, and I get very attached to my castmates. So, I've made new friends over the past five or ten years, and for me, they just happen. You click with a person, and you suddenly find yourself caring enough to want to keep in touch and remain friends. If there's a pattern to those folks, I can't see it. Three good ones are male, one drop dead gorgeous, one gay, one neither ;-). One I'm no logner friends with. I can't see a pattern to these guys other than that they're wonderful people? So ... no, I don't think I do that.

* Do you intentionally end a friendship with a man if you begin to feel like he's attracted to you? Do you end it if you feel like you're starting to like him more than you should?
I've never felt any of my guy friends had feelings for me. I had one relatively more recent guy friend who ended the friendship with me. And I know it's not because he had feelings for me, but I've often wondered if his new wife felt I had feelings for him. Which I did not. He is gorgeous, funny, and nice guy. One of my acting buddies. I immediately bonded with him in a brotherly way, DH liked him. Dude was a major player, tho, which I couldn't stand and jsut wanted him to settle down with a nice girl; as a Jew it's hard wired in me to try to marry off all my single friends . So, finally, he finds a wonderful girl -- and I mean WONDERFUL. We did alot of things as couples, and the four of us were really close. Finally they get married, I was so thilled for them (out of the country, so we weren't there), and the next time we see them was at a mutual friend's funeral, and she was cold to me. It was bizarre. And that was it, friendship was over. I still don't know what happened. But he wasn't the cold one, she was. And I just got this vibe that she thought I had feelings that weren't there. I never pushed it, just let it go. Sometimes there's a beginning, middle, and end to something, and that friendship was one of those.

* Do you try to just go out with the friend in group settings or are you fine with getting together by yourselves?
Both. Not like it's all the time. It's more like, between your stuff, my stuff, and the number of hours in the day, what is possible when, and we just make whatever work work. And that goes for all my friends. No diff girls vs. guys.

* Do you try to have your husband become friends on some level with your friend?
Yes! Not cuz they're guys, but cuz I like it when my husband and my friends like each other on a social level. DH is a bit shy, whereas I can talk to anyone in any situation. So, yes, I like it when DH and my friends are friends, and if they're male, more the better. Maybe he can drag him to poker with him :-)

[maestramommy]

I have to say I had a lot more male friends before I was married than I do now. I mean, male friends that I got together with. Now they are all married with families and lives of their own, and we keep in touch by email or maybe FB if they're on it. I do not intentionally seek out male friends based on lack of attractiveness. In fact, I don't know that I've ever done that even when single. If I knew right off I wasn't attracted to any male I would always keep a certain amount of friendly distance, and unless the guy was totally clueless I've never had even a slight overture. Men do have a way of reading body language and such, esp. as they get older.

I also can't remember the last time I got together with a guy friend alone since I got married. Dh knows almost all of them anyway, so unless he really couldn't make it for some reason it would be natural for him to come along.

[lizajane]

My DH and I don't need to "take precautions" so that we don't cheat on each other. We don't want to cheat on each other. We love each other. We want each other. If we did not, we would not have gotten married. I have never ever been so annoyed with him that I thought I didn't want to be married to him. EVER. And he feels the same. I truly believe, and you don't have to agree, that the best way to have a strong marriage is to believe in it and each other. Lack of trust leads to judgement. Judgement leads to offense. Offense leads to hard feelings. Hard feeling lead to searching for someone ELSE who "understands."
I realize many of you reading my post laugh at me and think i am naive and unprepared. But I, on the contrary, find those of you who think this to be sad and unfulfilled. Sorry. But I do. I feel sad for you.

* Does your husband have knowledge of all your communications with your friend (and access to your email, etc.) or are there some things he doesn't know about?

No, because I don't want him to read every single word I ever write. Maybe because I whined to a friend about him and just needed to get it out and let it go and reading it word for word would hurt his feelings and just open the argument back up. I mean that about talking with women friends or men friends. He is welcome to know anything he wants about what I have said and to whom. I will be honest to everything he asks. But I am not going to offer up that I told someone that he pissed me off. Because for me, talking about it makes me feel better and allows me to let go.

* Do you selectively choose friends whom you don't find physically attractive and/or who don't meet specific needs (e.g., compliments) unmet by your husband?
I am not sure I have an unattractive friends, male or female. Maybe I just see the beauty in others!! I do not seek out friendships with attractive men. But I don't really "Seek out" friendships with men, or women, I don't already know anyway. As for specific needs- well, DH's BFF loves theater and musicals and DH does NOT. So if I heard a great musical was coming to town, I would just tell DH that I was going to see if his BFF wanted to go since I knew he would not. That doesn't mean I want to "be with" his BFF. So while I don't ever look to replace DH with a new friendship, I would enjoy activities with friends that DH doesn't enjoy, make or female.

* Do you intentionally end a friendship with a man if you begin to feel like he's attracted to you? Do you end it if you feel like you're starting to like him more than you should?

I can't imagine this happening, but it would make me uncomfortable to know that that someone wanted something from me that I could not give. It would be hurtful to HIM to be his friend and make him believe he could get something eventually that he could never get. I would not want to be "careless with another's heart" to paraphrase a great quotation. If I did fall for someone, I would get myself out of the bad situation and I would let DH know why.

* Do you try to just go out with the friend in group settings or are you fine with getting together by yourselves?

Doesn't matter. I would not have a candlelit dinner with my BFF's husband!!! But I might see a movie with a college friend and grab something to eat. I would go to Mc'ds with BFF's DH and all our kids (and I HAVE done that!). I would not go out alone with a man who I didn't already know well. See above. Not fair to him to let him think we could be on a date.

* Do you try to have your husband become friends on some level with your friend?

Yes, because I if care about someone it is highly likely that DH would also enjoy his company. This happened a while back (before I "misplaced" this friend of mine! so sad!) A great friend from college had a lot in common with me. We enjoyed the same theater, movies, conversation... and we had been intimate while in school. It made DH uncomfortable. I told DH that the friend was also really interested in history, like DH, and he would love him. DH met him, loved him, enjoyed talking about the topics I did not enjoy and then DH realized that it was all about the friendship and not the past. If I was still interested in being intimate with the friend, I would not hang out with him.