OMG- DD's godparents/guardians spank their 21 month old

[Happy 2B mommy]

First off, I want to say that I'm not completely against spanking. Currently DH and I discipline using various methods from Love and Logic, the Gentle Christian mothers site and Dr. Sears- and so far things are working out great. However, in the future, if DD has some behavior issues that are not being resolved using these methods, we may resort to an occasional spanking for major infractions, although it's definitely our last resort.

DD's godparents are old and good friends. We are godparents to both their son (nearly 5) and their 21-month old daughter. They were over last night for dinner. I was in the kitchen putting a few things away and everyone else was in the living room when the father came in and asked for a towel because their daughter made a mess on the floor with her milk. No biggie to me. I saw my goddaughter sobbing in her mother's lap and thought "gee, she's really a drama queen." Well, it turns out she took a big drink from her cup and then either spit it out or proposely let it dribble out of her mouth. According to DH this warranted a spank and "Very Bad! Very Sassy!" from her mom. DH was shocked. DD went though that at the same age and all we did was take away her cup (which made her cry) and a firm "No spitting. Now you lost your milk." If she made a big deal out of it, we put her in her 'calm-down' corner.

We knew they occasionally spank their son - they've done it in front of us. It seemed to be reserved for willful refusing to stay in time-out or completely out-of-control behavior. We never saw them spank until their son was 3.5 or 4. They always are very in-control and calm about it and when the incident is over they are loving to him and talk about it and his behavior. This never caused us any raised eyebrows.

I just can't believe they would spank a child that young for something- to me- is very minor. Before we went to bed, DH said "I wonder if they really would be the best guardians for DD"

Any thoughts? Would you talk to them about it? (our rule is, we don't want our friends judging our methods, so we don't judge) Would you reconsider having them as guardians? Quite honestly, all of our friends/relatives occasionally spank. We're the "liberal parents".

[MontrealMum]

I don't know that I'd talk to them, as in, criticize them for the treatment of their own child - although I certainly don't agree with it, and it would have made me extremely uncomfortable. But I would certainly reconsider giving legal guardianship to a couple whose values that I did not agree with in the event of my and DH's death. We have a number of friends with children who are all good people and fit parents. Yet, we have chosen 1 couple to be guardian to DS in case something terrible happens - over and above family (DH's sister) and people that live closer.

They live in another country (the US) and are a different religion - but I KNOW that they would raise DS the way I would want him raised, or as close to it as possible because I know how this couple is raising their girls, and the mom (she is my BFF) and I grew up together. It was also important to me that DS would go to a family that would respect his heritage and background (letting him see relatives, sending him to Protestant church), but would not differentiate in terms of love between the children in the household.

I think that if you haven't talked parenting styles and philosophies before, or have, and are seeing things that surprise you, I'd rethink your choice of guardian. Especially on this particular issue, because I doubt a household is going to have one way of discipline for one child, and another for the other two - it would not work well.

[sste]

Yes, I would be re-writing my guardianship immediately. When it is your child's future, it is not the time to be non-judgmental! I have an 18 month old and I cannot IMAGINE spanking him - - there is no way he would understand anything except that the person he loves and trusts has gone unexpectedly mental and is now hitting him (despite telling him over and over again when he hits to be gentle). And to spank over literally spilled milk . . .

Maybe it was just a one-time parent meltdown but I feel like we have to be hyper-cautious with our LOs and having this couple as a guardian seems way too risky to me.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I wouldn't feel comfortable with them as guardians as it appears that there may be a big parenting style difference. I guess you need to compare how your other choices would be by comparison. You aren't going to see 100% eye to eye with anyone but you need to make sure there are no major differences that you just can't get past.

Beth

[infomama]

That experience would prompt us to re write our wills. We don't spank our kids and I would never leave them to people who did no matter how old or good friends they are.

[veronica]

I would definitely be re-thinking them as guardians if their parenting varied so greatly from my own.

DS is 22 months and there is absolutely no way he would understand spanking as a consequence to his actions , nor do I want him to.....

It certainly must have been and extremely tense moment for you two and I hope you can come to a mutually agreeable decision with DH.

[brittone2]

That experience would prompt us to re write our wills. We don't spank our kids and I would never leave them to people who did no matter how old or good friends they are.

[wellyes]

The spank would bother me less than the "Very bad!". That's just not appropriate discipline for that age, especially just for playing with food.

I can see absolutely no good that would come from bringing it up to them. I'd think about other gaurdianship options. I wouldn't necessarily run out and change my will tomorrow. These are people you do love and trust and have known for a long time. But the incident is troubling.

I can't think of anyone who I would approve of 100% for my child. You do kind of have to pick your battles. My parents are wonderful and loving but have TERRIBLE diets and would raise DD to be the same way. My in-laws love the baby with all their hearts but have much more traditional ideas about gender roles than DH or I. One set of friends practices a religion that we do not agree with; another watches TV constantly which is not the life I want for DD. But any of the above would be fit guardians. It's so hard.

You have to decide if the discipline thing is a dealbreaker or not, and if it isn't, try to focus on the positives and the love they would give your child. If there are other excellent options, that's great. But I wouldn't give guardianship to a family that your loved and trusted solely over the spanking issue, personally.

ETA - I don't spank.

[Pennylane]

Well, I am not against spanking, but to me that is way too young to be spanking a child! I can't even imagine. I do not believe that they are people I would want as a guardian to my child.

As far as talking to them about it, not your place unless you think there is some type of abuse.

Ann

[maestramommy]

I think that it's not so much whether you are for or against spanking, but whether your choice of guardian parents in a way you are comfortable with. I know Dh and I struggled with that a lot when naming primary and secondary choices for guardians. Of course there are a lot of things that parenting covers and discipline is only one of them. I think if this is a deal breaker for you, you'll need to find another guardian.