NEW UPDATE w/ my response: Former Best Friend - trouble moving on (long)

[Melbel]

Some of you may remember a prior thread regarding a former DF. Long story short, when we were in town visiting her in March, we went out for dinner and drinks along with a mutual friend while my DH and the other friend's DH watched the 8 kids ages 9 to 9 months. That night, she completely disregarded my physical needs and need to BF DD1, took us to an unsafe club, was prepared to leave us in an unfamiliar area so she could stay with her new boyfriend, mixed large quantities of alcohol with anxiety meds and kept us out until after 2 AM when the plan was to be home by 11 PM. I was shocked and upset by this highly out of character behavior. What bothered me the most was that she has refused to apologize in the light of day.

We had been close/best friends for 16 years. We were in each others weddings. She is the Godmother to DS. We talked every day, sometimes multiple times per day. We visited monthly. Our kids were very very tight. We have not spoken since March.

She did not acknowledge DD2's 1st birthday last June in any way. I was hurt, but of course, DD2 was too young to notice. I took the high road and sent gifts to her DS1 in July and DS2 in August because I do not want the kids to suffer and think that we abandoned them (especially considering that their parents divorced a couple of years ago). DD1's 8th birthday was Friday and once again, she completely failed to do anything for DD1 and now DD1 is upset about it. I am once again very hurt and PO'd. Meanwhile, her DS1 calls my DS yesterday and they play Webkinz together over the phone. This is the first contact since March. WTF???? Again, DD1 is hurt and it breaks my heart.

I guess I need to cut all ties to avoid being hurt more by her more. I just don't understand how/why she could drop such a close friendship basically to pursue a guy who happens to be 10 years older, has a brain tumor and wants nothing to do with her kids. She knows that I have been going through rough times medically and with DH’s job and she seemingly just stopped caring. I am having a hard time getting past this. Any advice?

Thanks for listening.

[Melaine]

I have a slightly similar situation (it is not as extreme) with my friend of 15 years. She has made increasingly poor choices, been very irresponsible and can be quite selfish. She constantly forgets plans we have made, is nearly always 1-3 or more HOURS late and tends to ignore me completely when she doesn't need me. She will call me in the middle of the night if she needs me but can't always find time for me in the light of day. This used to really bother me.

But now, for me, I have totally changed my expectations and views about our relationship. I have decided that she is now in the place of a younger sister in my life (thank goodness my real life baby sister is 1000 times more mature). She needs me in her life and I have just decided to be a strong and supportive friend for her. I give her advice she is likely to ignore, help her when she needs it, and pray for her and her son. Maybe one day she will become more selfless but even if she doesn't I've decided to be there for her. I've let go of all of my expectations. If she is "planning" to come to an event, I basically write her off unless by chance she shows up. I don't hold the party for her anymore. If she doesn't call me back, I just don't worry about it. I don't change my plans for her, and if I give a Christmas gift to her, I do so with the knowledge that she won't necessarily reciprocate.
My children don't know her well and that makes me sad, but I've done all I can do. I realize that it's a different situation and this might not work for you, but being realistic about our relationship has helped me. It is what it is, and I stopped wishing for something else from her.

[Melbel]

Thanks for your insight Melaine. With a highly dysfunctional family, including some immediate family members with drug addiction issues, I am all too aware of setting expectations low. I have always been the responsible, over achieving, giving one in the family. I guess one reason why this hurts so badly is that I did not expect it from her. I was blindsided. While I think it is great that you can stand by your friend and support her, I am burnt out on one sided relationships where I put in all the work and do all of the giving, especially during hard times for us. This latest disappointment has me in a real funk.

[truly scrumptious]

Just another BTDT with a friend who distanced herself for seemingly no reason. I was very hurt and went through a definite grieving process for the relationship. It sounds like that is the place you're in right now.

I found a lot of comfort in looking back on the relationship, being grateful for all the good times shared, and telling myself that our relationship had run its course. I also came to realization that her behavior had nothing to do with me, and was all about her and her own issues. This made it a lot easier not to take it personally.

Then I did what Melaine did and set my expectations low, as far as receiving support. I started behaving as if the person was a casual acquaintance, and a phone call from her would be returned out of politeness, but I wouldn't go out of my way to make accomodations for her. If she didn't turn up for parties she was invited to, it was no skin off my nose. If she did, I'd treat her as I'd treat any other guest. Once I was able to do that, I was much more comfortable with our "new" relationship, and, more importantly, I was able to make more room in my life for other meaningful relationships.

Good luck!

[firsttimemama]

It sounds like you've reached out and she's not returning it. If it were me it would be time to cut ties.

I had a falling out with a close friend not too long ago that continues to affect my life (we had mutual friends)

It is hard. I'm sorry you're going through it.

[infomama]

I'm so sorry..sounds like an awful situation.

I have a friend who also has drifted away. Our conversations are so shallow and you know...I think I'm over her. She has contributed so very little to my life over the past years. She has become encased in this bubble that is her world and I don't have a place there anymore. The relationship became such an effort..so superficial. Not for me.

When that door closed, a window opened and I have found a new and wonderful mutually respectful (and fun!) new friend. Life twist us and turns us but we all have our destined path.

Take care.

[Melbel]

UPDATE:

DD1 was upset again last night when I was putting her down. Frustrated, I emailed former BF and told her how upset DD1 was and that I was disappointed that she did not acknowledge DD1's birthday. As stated in the original post, I had went to significant effort to timely acknowledge her DS1 and DS2's birthdays over the summer, subsequent to the big rift (after she started dating a new boyfriend). Apparently, her XDH got remarried last weekend. I had no idea XDH was getting remarried last weekend, the last we spoke there was no date set and no plans in place. She basically went into a rant that I should have known and how dare I think the world revolved around me. She did not apologize or express any remorse whatsoever for making DD1 sad. She had never missed a birthday for DS or DD1 in 9 years, usually in person, so I can understand why DD1 is sad and confused. I am heartbroken that DD1 is having to learn a harsh life reality, that sometimes people just stop caring, at the tender age of 8. This was from a formerly over the top loyal, compassionate, giving and caring friend. I cannot help but feel abandoned. My mother often neglected me and my siblings to chase after men who wanted nothing to do with us, so it is also opening old wounds. I survived my upbringing without therapy, so perhaps I am overdue!

I appreciate the great advice about making more room in my life for other meaningful relationships. Any advice on how to explain former BF's absence? I apparently am not doing a great job.

[dcmom2b3]

UPDATE:

DD1 was upset again last night when I was putting her down. Frustrated, I emailed former BF and told her how upset DD1 was and that I was disappointed that she did not acknowledge DD1's birthday. As stated in the original post, I had went to significant effort to timely acknowledge her DS1 and DS2's birthdays over the summer, subsequent to the big rift (after she started dating a new boyfriend). Apparently, her XDH got remarried last weekend. I had no idea XDH was getting remarried last weekend, the last we spoke there was no date set and no plans in place. She basically went into a rant that I should have known and how dare I think the world revolved around me. She did not apologize or express any remorse whatsoever for making DD1 sad. She had never missed a birthday for DS or DD1 in 9 years, usually in person, so I can understand why DD1 is sad and confused. I am heartbroken that DD1 is having to learn a harsh life reality, that sometimes people just stop caring, at the tender age of 8. This was from a formerly over the top loyal, compassionate, giving and caring friend. I cannot help but feel abandoned. My mother often neglected me and my siblings to chase after men who wanted nothing to do with us, so it is also opening old wounds. I survived my upbringing without therapy, so perhaps I am overdue!

I appreciate the great advice about making more room in my life for other meaningful relationships. Any advice on how to explain former BF's absence? I apparently am not doing a great job.

I'm no expert, I don't think you have to present this as "people stop caring" to your DD1. How about "X BF's life has moved in a different direction, and I don't know exactly why. But I know that it's nothing that you or I, or anyone in this family, did. It's understandable to be disappointed, but this isn't about you." I don't know if that's age appropriate for an 8 y.o., but that's what I'd be inclined to try to convey.

Bolded text above is evidence of disordered thinking. Pardon me for being blunt, but either she always was troubled, or never truly was your friend, or she has new troubles that are affecting her profoundly (I can't remember, but is her new boyfriend a big drinker/drug user? Was that part of the problems you saw?). Any way you look at it, she's being abusive to you. Again.

Boundary time.

I'm sorry that she's still hurting you.

[randomkid]

I'm so sorry for you and your DD. I know how difficult it is to explain something like this to a child. I have BTDT, but with a family member, not a friend. My stepdaughters were very young when DH and I were dating. DH's mother passed away several years ago and we were becoming close with her sister, DH's aunt. We were so happy since we could see her being like a substitute Grandmother to the girls. She showered them with gifts from the store that she owns, offered to help us plan our wedding and then offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner. Turns out she would not be able to be at the wedding due to a work commitment. Once we started planning the rehearsal dinner, she lost her mind. Called MY Mom and DH saying all kinds of horrible things about me the week of the wedding! I hadn't even spoken to the woman, so I have no idea what that was about. Honestly, I think she's off her rocker. DH kept it from me until he had the rehearsal dinner worked out and paid for. Anyway, after that, we didn't see or speak to her again nor did she try to contact us. She had been hurtful to DH in the past and he was giving her another chance so the girls could know her. To him, this was her last chance. He was not willing to put the girls through the hurt he had experienced.

The girls were 7 and 9 when this happened. DH would take the girls to visit his Grandmother (crazy aunt's mother) and would let crazy aunt (CA) know that the girls would be there if she wanted to visit. This way, she wouldn't have to see us. She never came. Every time, the girls would be so hopeful to see her and she never showed up. We decided that it would be more hurtful to the girls to experience the disappointment over and over again rather than just break it off. My youngest DSD kept asking when we would see her again, so we finally had to explain it. We just told them that some people have problems that prevent them from being good friends/family. We were honest with them, but didn't give details. We told them that SHE decided to stop visiting us, not the other way around, and that we really didn't understand why either (because we didn't). We were sure to explain that it wasn't them, that she still loved them, but that she was having some problems right now. They were upset, I won't lie, and there were tears. It took a long time for them to accept it.

Last Christmas, when FIL had been diagnosed with colon cancer, CA showed up. She acted like nothing had ever happened and that we had seen her regularly over all these years. We had not seen her in nearly 9 years. It was her first time meeting DD, who was almost 4yo. She acted like she had known DD all along and that it was no big deal for us to be there. See? I told you - crazy! The girls are now 16 and 18 and understand not to trust her, but somehow they do still like her. She even gave DSD1 money for a graduation gift - go figure! However, she still does not acknowledge DD. DH thinks she jealous because she couldn't have kids. I don't care - not a reason to hurt children's feelings!

Sorry this was so long, but your story kind of hit home. It is not easy to explain and your DD will likely ask about your DF over and over again, but you just have to be consistent with your story and refuse to let your friend hurt your DD over and over again. When you think about trying to make it work out again, remind yourself of what your DD is experiencing right now and know that you are protecting her from that hurt. It IS hard. We often thought of calling CA, but just didn't want to put the girls through anymore heartache. This is a hard age because your DD knows enough to be hurt, but not enough to understand.

Be strong, Mama!

[Melbel]

I'm no expert, I don't think you have to present this as "people stop caring" to your DD1. How about "X BF's life has moved in a different direction, and I don't know exactly why. But I know that it's nothing that you or I, or anyone in this family, did. It's understandable to be disappointed, but this isn't about you." I don't know if that's age appropriate for an 8 y.o., but that's what I'd be inclined to try to convey.

Bolded text above is evidence of disordered thinking. Pardon me for being blunt, but either she always was troubled, or never truly was your friend, or she has new troubles that are affecting her profoundly (I can't remember, but is her new boyfriend a big drinker/drug user? Was that part of the problems you saw?). Any way you look at it, she's being abusive to you. Again.

Boundary time.

I'm sorry that she's still hurting you.

Thank you so much Mary Helen. I have essentially tried your approach with DD1. I would never tell her that former BF "stopped caring" and even though that is how I feel. Sorry if my post was not clear. I am sure that it will get easier for her over time. Fortunately, she did not bring it up tonight. We have our big girls' trip to NYC (me, DD1, and another mom/daughter who are very close friends) this weekend which will be a great distraction.

The new boyfriend was a bit of a drinker/partier, but from our brief encounters, I did not see anything alarming. She on the other hand was drinking excessively, far more than I had ever seen in our many years as friends.

She truly had been my go to friend for anything/everything. She was caring, compassionate and would do anything for me or my family which is a big reason why I am having a hard time letting go. You made some excellent points that I will take to heart. It has evolved into an abusive relationship, one that is not healthy for me or my family. Absolutely boundary time. I have a clear conscience knowing I tried.