who helped you with your twins at the beginning?

[twinbabies]

Hello all,

I am writing with the hope that some of you experienced multiple mothers/fathers out there will be able to give me some advice regarding help with the babies for the first few weeks:

I am due with twins in early March. I am currently not working and will be the primary caretaker of the babies until I go back to school in September.
My husband works full-time but a lot of the time he actually works from home, so he is around, though not necessarily "available."
I am curious to know if anyone here had a baby nurse and/or had their in-laws help them during the first month or so?
Has anyone here had their mom or mother-in-law stay at their house? Do you think I should just "suck it up" and deal with having my in-laws (who live overseas) live at my house (they wouldn't necessarily have anywhere else to stay) for the sake of the help that they can offer me, or if I think that they'll get on my nerves should I forego their help? I am trying to avoid having to pay for a baby-nurse but I am nervous about having the people that come to help me just stress me out more than I already will be. Who knows, maybe I'll be so tired and thankful for the help that I won't care that my mother and father in law are breathing down my neck, but then again, how can I predict this ahead of time? (and apparently baby nurses need to be reserved well in advance).

Thanks for your advice!

[Melaine]

I didn't have any help. My mom came occasionally from out of town but really it was just me during the day and DH helped at night. If I had not had DH's help at night I think it is safe to say something horrible could have happened. I am just going to be straight with you: It is unfathomably difficult for the first few months (for us, until about 1 year).
My mom talked to someone yesterday with twins who hired a night nurse and someone different to help during the day. If you can afford someone at night and can find someone you can trust, I'm sure it could be a lifesaver. I'm not sure I could've relinquished that control personally but I am sometimes overly uptight. As far as having relatives help, I guess that could totally depend. I would've LOVED to have my mother, my father or my sister if any of them could've come for any extended time, it just didn't work out that way. My in-laws live in China so that wasn't really an option either!
You probably know this, but twins are notoriously premature so be prepared for an early entrance.

[twowhat?]

I think I might have suffered from some sort of permanent damage if we didn't have help. My MIL stayed with us the first few weeks and did all our cooking, laundry, and held a baby when we needed an extra pair of hands. My parents came on weekends and did the same. Even more than a year later, our parents and in-laws still bring us some meals or come watch the babies for a couple hours so we can go out and pull weeds or something. We could not have survived without the help, and even with the help I am permanently scarred for life - no more kids for us! Props to those who managed all by themselves...dunno how you did it!

If you like your in-laws, I would seriously consider the help. You can assign them all the things you're not particular about to help with (i.e. everything except the babies which is kind of what we did, that way we were in complete control of how we wanted to handle breastfeeding, sleep, etc with the twins). If you can afford a baby nurse or similar, I'd consider that as well because you will have no qualms telling a hired helper what exactly you need to have done. We have a fantastic relationship with my parents and in-laws so it was a non-issue for us. Even so, there were a couple of times feelings were hurt due to miscommunication, but we all forgave and moved on.

The other thing that I really think is key - a husband has to assume to role of "second mother". No "I'm not going to wake up with her because she's breastfeeding" or "I'm not helping at night because I have to work the next day". My husband was up with me every time (even after I could handle both on my own at night) and I really think that had a lot to do with surviving. Sure, he has to work the next day but it is easier to go to work than it is to care for newborn twins all day. Don't expect his help during the day though if he works from home - he does have to work to keep his job. But my mantra is that when both parents are home and not working, both parents split baby duties. I'm sure some would probably disagree with me but I feel that when you have twins, the partner has to pitch in 100% so that neither goes completely insane.

[dowlinal]

My parents live next door and my mom took care of my older two kids, but I was pretty much on my own with the twins from the beginning. My DH wasn't able to take much time off from work and had tons of mandatory overtime. It was so tough and if we had the money I would have hired someone in a heartbeat.

I am not a big fan of having people stay in my house, but I think I would have let just about any responsible person come help me. I was so tired and worn out from my c-section and nursing that I wouldn't have cared who was in my house as long as they were willing to hold a baby long enough for me to nap, take a shower, or eat.

[twowhat?]

I am not a big fan of having people stay in my house, but I think I would have let just about any responsible person come help me. I was so tired and worn out from my c-section and nursing that I wouldn't have cared who was in my house as long as they were willing to hold a baby long enough for me to nap, take a shower, or eat.

Yeah, forgot to mention that if you have a c-section, you better get help if you can. It may have just been me, but a twins c-section recovery was ROUGH. I had to refill my pain meds, and I didn't feel recovered from the surgery for about 10 weeks. I could never go through that again.

[Melaine]

Yeah, forgot to mention that if you have a c-section, you better get help if you can. It may have just been me, but a twins c-section recovery was ROUGH. I had to refill my pain meds, and I didn't feel recovered from the surgery for about 10 weeks. I could never go through that again.

Not just you. It was very difficult. I was thankful for the 2 weeks recovery while the girls were safely cared for in the NICU!

[Naranjadia]

We had in-laws in and out, but not really as reliable help.

I had college students come and help out during the day, which helped a lot. I do have a disability, which is why we set that up before the twins arrived. But we did really find that an extra set of hands helped us stay caught up and sort of rested.

[Momof3Labs]

Yeah, forgot to mention that if you have a c-section, you better get help if you can. It may have just been me, but a twins c-section recovery was ROUGH. I had to refill my pain meds, and I didn't feel recovered from the surgery for about 10 weeks. I could never go through that again.

Definitely YMMV. I had a c-section with the twins (37w5d, over 14lbs of baby total) and felt pretty darn good within 2 weeks. I did have to watch how much I lifted for a good four weeks, but that was about it. For reference, my first birth was a rough vaginal delivery w/ forceps - not a fun recovery. My second birth was an easy drug-free vaginal birth (easy recovery) combined with a separated pelvis (horrible recovery). So my perspective may be a bit different than a first-time mom.

[Momof3Labs]

The other thing that I really think is key - a husband has to assume to role of "second mother". No "I'm not going to wake up with her because she's breastfeeding" or "I'm not helping at night because I have to work the next day". My husband was up with me every time (even after I could handle both on my own at night) and I really think that had a lot to do with surviving. Sure, he has to work the next day but it is easier to go to work than it is to care for newborn twins all day. Don't expect his help during the day though if he works from home - he does have to work to keep his job. But my mantra is that when both parents are home and not working, both parents split baby duties. I'm sure some would probably disagree with me but I feel that when you have twins, the partner has to pitch in 100% so that neither goes completely insane.

I totally, 100% agree with this paragraph. DH was able to be much more hands-off (esp. at nighttime) with our first two kids, but with the twins, it is "all hands on deck."

[fivi2]

We didn't really have any help. The girls were in the NICU a couple weeks. (I did not have a c-section). My mom was in town for about another week or so after that. She was staying at my sister's though and absolutely no help. She actually made things harder. DH was home a little in the beginning - it was the holidays, but by the time they came home he was out of leave.

As far as hiring someone - we couldn't afford it. I would have had to wake up to pump anyway, so I wasn't sure how much it would help?

wrt having the in-laws come... that depends on them. My in-laws would have sent me over the edge. My mother almost did. It would have been better without her "help".

We survived It was hard, but we made it.

Good luck!

eta: ita with pps about dh helping at night. it was key in the beginning.