Did your mother come to stay with you?

[egoldber]

With my older DD, my MIL came for 2 weeks, my mom then for one week and my MIL again for 2 weeks.

With my second DD there was a birth accident and she did not make it. My MIL came and stayed for a month, and I really don't know how I would have survived that time without her there.

With my third DD I was put on bedrest and she was in the NICU. My MIL came during bedrest and took care of my older DD and then stayed 6 weeks after Amy was born. I needed her pretty much all that time and I consider myself a pretty competent person.

Figure out what she would be most helpful with and make sure you let her know what you need help with. Everyone loves to hold the baby but in reality you need people to go to the grocery store, do laundry, make meals, take out the trash etc.

We had our issues, but overall my MIL was great and this is why. She did all the OTHER stuff and I took care of the baby. It really is a full time job and while some people may be able to swing it with no help, unless there are issues with family that make it an untenable situation, I do think that it can be wonderful as long as proper boundaries are set.

*My* mother was really not any help because she does not drive and my father was high maintenance (he is now dead) and she was really no help. I love her, but she was no help and only added to my stress level.

I can't imagine having gone through my three deliveries without my MIL's support. Having that relationship with her has been so important to us and to my kids. No, she isn't perfect, and is sometimes really annoying. But she is there when we need her. She recently flew in for two weeks to take care of my kids as a "nanny" because DH has work travel and we have not yet gotten our act together to hire an afternoon sitter/nanny. But she was more than happy to do it. My kids adore her and I am glad they will have these memories of time with her.

[Melaine]

My mom came for some of the time I was in the hospital (I was there for a week) and stayed with me after I came home (while the girls were still in the NICU). I had to have someone to drive me to and from the hospital to see the girls (had a C-section). After the girls actually came home, no. She and/or my sister came a couple times for short visits but nothing much else.

[cono0507]

Nope. I didn't want anyone staying with us at all. I tend to be the stubborn independent type though.

[alexmommy]

My DH took the first week off, so the three of us could get used to each other. I'm glad we did that, b/c even though the first few days were rough, we knew we could make it on our own. I had wanted my mom out there ASAP, but DH insisted that we prove to ourselves we could do it. My DH is extremely helpful though. He became a diaper-changing pro in the hospital, cooks well, cleans well, etc.

When he returned to work, my mom came out for 2 weeks. That was very helpful--she cooked, did laundry, diapered, went grocery shopping (with our money in an envelope and brought back receipts), got up with me for early a.m. feedings. SHe and DH get along, mostly. My mom was careful to only do the things we had asked her to, and she conveniently got out of the house to go shopping some evenings after DH got home so we could have family time. I have a great relationship with my mom, however, 2 weeks was long enough.

THen my MIL came out for two weeks. SHe is a lovely person, and not in the way at all. She isn't a cook, but she did laundry, diapered, got up with me at night, cleaned. I cooked. It worked. It was delightful to have her there, however, by then I was feeling pretty good (I had an easy vag. delivery, and I have a pretty easy baby) and didn't "need" help by week 4. But I liked having her around.

So for the first five weeks, all I had to do was take care of myself, breastfeed baby, and, for the last two weeks, cook. I like cooking, so that worked out nicely.

If you have an "easy" delivery and easy baby, I'd say that you & DH take the 1st week or two (if he has time off) to settle into being parents without outside help/interference, and if he is willing to pretty much do everything except feed the baby. Then make sure you have help for the remainder of the first month, and then you'll be fine.

If you have a complicated delivery or colicky baby, you may want help for longer.

HTH!

[truly scrumptious]

I consider myself a big girl but I can honestly say that it is darned nice to be able to take a nap when you are recovering from birth and know that your baby is being tended to. For both births, dh and I were up all night so he was just as exhausted as me. In those first few days after ds2 was born family would come over mid afternoon and we would nap. It was great! You don't realize how much you stay on alert and are unable to really fall asleep when you have a baby until you have a baby. That one little ear is constantly perked up, waiting in case baby needs something.

Beth

That was us - DH and I were constantly exhausted from being up all night nursing, and during the day, too, jumping at every little peep the baby made! My mom came for three weeks and she was great. The most important things she did for us were:
1. Take DS for a couple of hours first thing in the morning so we could get some uninterrupted sleep. It was so great to be able to hand DS over knowing that she would wake us if anything important happened or when it was time to nurse, but otherwise we could sleeeeeeeeeeeep.
2. Cook, clean, laundry, basically keep the house running.
3. Manage our OTHER visitors - for example, she was in charge of answering the door if people dropped by unexpectedly, or politely telling people it was time for baby and mama to nap (hint hint: please leave) or answer the phone when we didn't feel like and give a million people updates on how we were doing. (In fact, we put her in charge of updating people while I was in labor, too, even though she was 1,000 miles away, because family and friends were driving us crazy with their calls - over 2 days of labor!)
For me it was great that it was my mom who came because she was focused on taking care of HER baby (me ) too, so I got some loving mom care, and Dh wasn't overwhelmed trying to care for me AND the baby during my recovery.
We definitely had to lay down some rules for her - for example, she could give us advice on what to do about the baby, but DH and I made all the final decisions. This took a little adjustment, but it worked out well.
It definitely depends on your relationship and the circumstances, availability, etc. but I would say having someone (anyone you trust) around while you and DH are learning to be parents is a great help - just to keep the house running.
I would definitely agree with Snowmom that DH should "know that if he vetoes your mom staying he'll have to pick up the slack."
Three weeks after my mom left and I was deep in post-baby blues, DH called her and asked her to come back!

[turtle]

Yes...my mom stayd w/ us for a good month-mainly b/c i had a very difficult pregnancy/delivery and had medical complications myself and needed to be taken back and forth to dr's appts,physical therapy etc once i got home-also wasnt aloud to drive for 6wks due to c sec-so i needed all the help i could get...she was great-helped w/ baby,straightening up the house,laundry etc and taking care of me...hubby stay'd home w/ us for about a week before heading back to work.

[hellokitty]

I had a lot of prodromal labor and called my mom to come over thinking it was the real thing. She stayed for about 7 days before I went I finally had DS3, BUT it was so nice to have here there. I was so uncomfortable by the end of my pregnancy and she played with DS1 and DS2. She stayed until I got home from the hospital and then left. It was ok, b/c my DH was on paternity leave by then. It probably would have been nice for her to stay after I came home too, but she had already been at our house for a wk. My mom is helpful though, my mil is NOT helpful. So, I never let my mil come to stay to, "help," b/c all she'd do is drive me crazy.

[DebbieJ]

When ds1 was born, we lived 2000 miles away. Each of our moms came for a week during the first month or so of his life.

I had a c-section with ds2, so my MIL came and stayed for a week. it was fabulous b/c ds1 is in kindergarten now, so her main job was to take care of him. She got him up for school every day, walked him to and from school, did dishes and laundry. I don't know what we would have done without her. We live nearby my family now, so they came and helped as needed. My mom and sister are both about 10 mins away. Plus our church brought us meals for like 3 weeks. It was awesome.

[ormc]

Both my parents came after DS1 was born. My mom was a tremendous help, my dad took up space on the couch for 3 weeks! But my mom is the most self-less person I know. She pretty much made all the meals for us and cleaned up! And did her fair share of baby-holding/soothing. I was glad to have them, since I had milk supply issues and had to pump and supplement the first few weeks. It overwhelmed me and I think it drove me to have a bit of the baby blues. I don't think I could have done it without her, since DH didn't get any paternity leave and worked all day.

I too, never imagined I'd have any trouble adjusting. But I did.

My mom came when DS2 was born. We live in Japan now and she wasn't as much help in our Japanese house because she needed a lot of instruction on kitchen appliances, recycling/garbage issues, etc. But she did do a lot for me by helping take care of DS1 and letting me bond with the new baby. She stayed for a month and this time that was too long. I got used to having that extra set of hands and started to become anxious about her leaving. I think 2 weeks would have been perfect. But you never know what the situation will bring.

I say it can't hurt to plan for her to come, since you never know exactly how much help you'll want or need depending on how you're feeling etc. You can always have her back off the "help" if it becomes more of a hindrance for you by saying you want some practice getting used to doing things yourself.

[jenandahalf]

Only you know how much of a help your mom is likely to be and how involved you want her to be in those first few weeks.

My mom doesn't have the first clue about caring for kids despite having 6 and there's no way I would have invited her, and no way she would have come. She's only seen my 6yo 2x in her life and hasn't even acknowledged no2's expected arrival in May. My ILs came to stay for a weekend about 2 weeks after my daughter was born but they didn't help at all, the most helpful thing they did was watch her one afternoon while we went out to restock groceries and baby supplies. They are planning to fly out next June when no2 comes but we are a lot further away now so they have to come for a week just to make it worthwhile. I said they can't come until a good month after my due date, which is when my oldest will finish for summer break. I couldn't be alone in our townhouse with them for a week otherwise.

My best friend however had her mom fly out on the day she was induced (planned), she stayed for the first 2 weeks then went home for a few days and then came back for another 2 weeks. She would not have survived otherwise, her mom had to literally teach her everything about a baby. Their house would have been in complete chaos without her mom taking care of meals and laundry etc.

I on the other hand felt pretty confident in my abilities as I am one of 6, the youngest of which I practically raised as she was born when I was 12 and my mom was more interested in being a student than a mom. My husband had never held a baby before but I thought he would figure it out and he did.