View Poll Results: If you have no sex drive, are you still having sex with DH?

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  • No! No sex drive, no sex!

    37 31.09%
  • Yes! I give it the old college try.

    72 60.50%
  • Other, please explain...

    10 8.40%
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  1. #11
    Elilly is offline Platinum level (1000+ posts)
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    I once read a book that dealt with this very issue as DH thought I was trying to "control" him and that part of our life. The solution that has worked for us is that each spouse has up to 4 days to initiate relations. Knowing that, when it's my turn to initiate, that I have up to four days to initiate, and that DH is not supposed to (at least when it's my turn) is such a relief. This means that he can't be bugging me about it and he doesn't b/c he know's that generally (we're not talking about being pg, postpartum etc) he will get sex in at least 4 days. And then, when it's his turn to initiate, he also has up to 4 days to initiate it. Sometimes, DH initiates on his 1st day, so we end up doing it 3 times per week. But often it's once or twice. This method of dealing with my low libido allows each of us to feel a bit in control of the issue. It also eliminated me constantly turing down DH's advances.
    On another note, ITA about hormonal birth control causing my sex drive to go down the drain.
    DD 02
    DS 04

  2. #12
    mamicka is offline Emerald level (3000+ posts)
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    I voted yes. It isn't my "wifely duty" - I do it because I love my husband, even when I'm not in the mood. I want to give him what he wants whenever I'm able & I would hope that he would do the same for me, even if he didn't feel like it at the time. I'm not talking about only sex, I think it applies to everything. There are still times when I don't comply, but I comply much more often than not. I don't always end-up getting into it but I've never been sorry I did it after the fact.

  3. #13
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    I give it up. DH gets grumpy if he goes too long without it, and I always enjoy it after we get going. Well, almost always. It sucks right now 3 months after my VBAC. I'm hoping that goes away soon.

  4. #14
    Melaine is offline Blue Diamond level (20,000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by mamicka View Post
    I voted yes. It isn't my "wifely duty" - I do it because I love my husband, even when I'm not in the mood. I want to give him what he wants whenever I'm able & I would hope that he would do the same for me, even if he didn't feel like it at the time. I'm not talking about only sex, I think it applies to everything. There are still times when I don't comply, but I comply much more often than not. I don't always end-up getting into it but I've never been sorry I did it after the fact.
    ITA with this.

    I mentioned something in another thread about this and it could have been misleading. TMI, but I'd like to clear up my comment here:

    I have definitely experienced low/no sex drive but I usually power through and end up enjoying myself. I liken it to going swimming. Beforehand, I often feel like going swimming is so much trouble. I hate to get my hair wet, apply sunscreen, gather towels, etc. I know the water will be cold and it might be uncomfortable at first. And I am frankly just too lazy to be bothered sometimes.
    After I get in and start swimming it feels GREAT and I am thinking, "How could I forget how much I LOVE swimming? I LOVE the water, I want to go swimming every day. I am never getting out of this pool." Afterward I feel healthy and happy and just generally better about life.

    However, I'm currently dealing with (here's the TMI) side effects of Prozac which are specifically (for me) inability to reach orgasm, rather than low sex drive. I would be freaking out except that I experienced it last time I took the drugs and it does go away after a couple months. I would probably still be willing to get down to it, except DH is extremely attached to the idea of mutual orgasms and doesn't seem to be able to let go of that idea. I get frustrated because he seems to think it is in my head and just keeps telling me to relax.

    So for the last 2 weeks or so we have abstained because he can't handle my lack of climax. It is what it is.

  5. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Melaine View Post
    ITA with this.

    I mentioned something in another thread about this and it could have been misleading. TMI, but I'd like to clear up my comment here:

    I have definitely experienced low/no sex drive but I usually power through and end up enjoying myself. I liken it to going swimming. Beforehand, I often feel like going swimming is so much trouble. I hate to get my hair wet, apply sunscreen, gather towels, etc. I know the water will be cold and it might be uncomfortable at first. And I am frankly just too lazy to be bothered sometimes.
    After I get in and start swimming it feels GREAT and I am thinking, "How could I forget how much I LOVE swimming? I LOVE the water, I want to go swimming every day. I am never getting out of this pool." Afterward I feel healthy and happy and just generally better about life.

    Wow... great metaphor! makes perfect sense.

    However, I'm currently dealing with (here's the TMI) side effects of Prozac which are specifically (for me) inability to reach orgasm, rather than low sex drive. I would be freaking out except that I experienced it last time I took the drugs and it does go away after a couple months. I would probably still be willing to get down to it, except DH is extremely attached to the idea of mutual orgasms and doesn't seem to be able to let go of that idea. I get frustrated because he seems to think it is in my head and just keeps telling me to relax.

    So for the last 2 weeks or so we have abstained because he can't handle my lack of climax. It is what it is.
    that's tough... we have some technical difficulties when it comes to sex too, it has always been painful for me. i have seen MULTIPLE docs, specialists, and counselors, gotten acupuncture, herbs, energy therapy, hypnosis, you name it, i've done it. the latest counselor we've seen has been the most helpful in ways to get around it and minimize the pain, but it's still an issue. we've gone LONG times without sex, and it definitely has had an impact on our marriage. but we've learned a lot about how to communicate and cope with difficulties in our not quite four years of marriage that i think will help us in the future.
    big sister (11/09)
    little brother (1/14)

    "I guess that's the real circle of life. Your parents faked their way through it, you fake your way through it, and hopefully you don't raise a serial killer." --Phil Dunphy, Modern Family

  6. #16
    khalloc is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    I dont really have much of a sex drive. If DH would be the one to do the work (i.e, him on top and I dont have to do much), I would do it anytime he wants. But he likes me to be the one to do the work, so we dont have sex all that much. By the time the kids are in bed and my head hits the pillow I am OUT! I am just sooooo tired at the end of the day.

    I do have an IUD, Mirena, and that may be the problem. I might get it taken out just to see.

  7. #17
    edurnemk is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by daisymommy View Post
    9 times out of 10 "no sex drive = no sex"

    But sometimes I feel like a bad wife and do it anyway. Not that often though.

    I must say, that for me, ANY type of chemical/hormonal birth control does away with my sex drive. I've used everything on the market, they all do that to me. But I didn't realize it. I felt like a sex zombie. Just dead.
    Both things. And I'm currently on the BC pill, because DH refuses to go the natural family planning route again. Not that it matters since I feel even taking the BCP is a waste of time and money.
    DS 1/08
    DD 7/2012

  8. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by khalloc View Post
    I do have an IUD, Mirena, and that may be the problem. I might get it taken out just to see.
    OK, so I had mine taken out a few weeks ago because time's run out and I need a new one. Normally, my libido is pretty low but I'm of the "give it the old college try" mind. Well, around ovulation without Mirena - wow - haven't felt like that since my pregnancies! And it's still been better than average. Waiting for my period now so that I can get reinserted, but I have been debating between Mirena vs Paragaurd now because of increased drive. Problem is, I normally get menstrual migraines and Mirena helped with that. Plus, I've also seemed to put on a little weight these past few weeks that I'm blaming on hormones. Plus, plus, I'm not up for heavy painful periods on Paragaurd. So......I think it's going to be back to low libido on Mirena for me.
    DD1 - 1996
    DD2 - 1999
    DD3 - 2005

    Surfaces are for working, not for storing. - Peter Walsh

  9. #19
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    We have scheduled sex.

    I have always had a super low drive and add to that two very small cosleeping kids and being 4 month PP after some nasty tearing and I could just as likely be a nun.

    But sex is very important to M, more so emotionally than just physically so for the time being we have sex day. He never asks knowing he's sure to get it once a week. (and didn't once through my recovery and I waited 13 weeks) I like not having to stress about when/how, how long it's been and if M is feeling frustrated with a lack of lovin'.

    I'm sure when S is a little more predictable and sex stops being uncomfortable we'll go back to random, more frequent, and exctiting sex - but for now we're both making do.
    Dena

    Super Crunchy Mama to:
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    ('09) The little guy

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    Learning to live with MSPI, FPIES and Food Allergies.

  10. #20
    bcafe is online now Sapphire level (2000+ posts)
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    We are the opposite. He has the low drive and unfortunately the "no" person has all of the power in a sexual relationship. I have quite simply given up asking. I did communicate this to DH and he seemed to respond positively to upping his game, so the ball is in his court.

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