Anyone feel guilty about having another baby?

[teedeedee]

Ok, there *might* have been posts on this before, but I couldn't figure out how to search to find them. DD will be 22 months tomorrow. Baby 2 is due in August- so DD will be a little over 2. I stayed home with DD for the first 14 months. Now, I'm a full time student and she is in daycare. But when she is home and awake, she is glued to me. And really, I'm pretty much ok with that. We do a lot together as a family (music class for DD, playground and walks almost every night, games, reading...). She is the center of our world and she's thriving. At 22 months, she is identifying letters, knows a lot of colors, counts to 15, speaks in sentences...really really thriving. She is also a joyful, rarely fussy kid. I always tell DH we got really lucky with her and her easy demeanor.

So, here's the thing, I feel guilty for having another baby. I know her little world is going to change in a big huge way. She's had our dedicated attention, which she now expects. We haven't started talking about the baby with her yet, we are going to wait a bit longer when it's closer to time for baby. But I have been really emotional worrying about how this baby will affect her. And really, when you love one little person so much, how do you ever love another one as much?? Don't get me wrong, we had to do fertility to have DD and then this baby just happened and we are thrilled! I really am excited, but I still have guilt. I know, I am the crazy hormonal pregnant lady, right? I just really worry about my sweet girl and how she will handle this... Anyone else have these type of feelings before a new baby?

[Jacksmommy2b]

I only have a second but I wanted to tell you that I felt the same way. J was my little mini-me, we would do everything together and I felt so, so guilty for rocking his world.

But now that Sam is here. he is fine. Really. No rivalry, no regression, nothing. I see him gravitatating more towards M for play now that I'm wrapped up in baby care - but he doesn't seem to see that as a bad thing. In fact I think he would rather play with m - who had no problem rolling around on the floor.

All in all he treats Sammy like an old house cat. He pats him on the head as he is running of to do whatever and doesn't pay him much more mind than that!

Good luck and try not to worry too much. I was the first and had a super hard time when my brother was born (or so I've been told) but I remember always really liking my brother and getting along just fine!

[m448]

This is normal. Going from one to two will absolutely set off your mommy guilt like nobody's business. You have no previous experience with how the love in your family multiplies to greet this new little one until it happens. It own't be until much later that you'll see the benefits of having a sibling for your older child as well. So yes it's normal, just realize that while in the PP phase the hormonal guilt will be fierce it will go away.

[JoyNChrist]

I don't have any advice, because I'm right there with you!

My situation is a little different...we conceived DS easily, but then went through serious hell trying to get and stay pregnant a second time. In fact, this pregnancy was my "last ditch effort" and I really thought we were going to have to be okay with just one child or move on to adoption. So on the one hand, I can't get over how thrilled I am to be pregnant and to be able to give DS siblings, when we thought it might never happen.

But on the other hand, especially since we're expecting twins, I know that these babies are going to change our lives and DS's life forever. DS is going to see a huge shift in the amount of attention he receives (he'll be 3.5 when the babies arrive, so he's really accustomed to it just being him). And the babies are never going to get that one on one attention that I lavished on DS.

So yes, I feel guilty. And scared. As an only child, I never really had to deal with the dynamics of having siblings and sharing toys, time, attention, etc. So I worry about how I'm going to deal with that. I worry that I won't bond with the new babies like I did with DS. I worry that DS will feel pushed to the side or neglected.

But...that's what mamas do. We worry. Even in the midst of my concerns, I know that this is probably a very normal way to feel.

[JTsMom]

I'm there too, and I feel guilty about both kids. DS1 is used to having 100% of our energy and attention focused on him. Being a high-needs kiddo, he could really use more like 120%! Now the baby will come along, and DS is going to have less attention, but will still demand a lot of it, so where does that leave DS2?!

I just keep telling myself it's too late now! LOL It'll work out in the end, and I keep reminding myself of all the posts here about how much siblings love each other, and how precious it is to see their bond.

For now, DS is really excited about being a big brother, and I hope that will help get us through the early days at least.

[catcombs]

I didn't feel guilty before I had DS1 but I remember when I came home from the hospital crying and feeling so guilty because I felt like I had robbed DD (she was 19 months old when DS1 was born). And I will never forget my SIL telling me that I had given DD the best gift ever...a sibling and she was right. DD loves her brothers and I can't imagine life any other way.

[wendibird22]

I've heard that's a common feeling. Personally, I didn't feel guilty for DD1 but I do now feel guilty for DD2 that she won't know what it's like to be the center of our world for 29mos like DD1 did. So, we moms get to deal with guilt either one way or another!

For me, seeing the way that DD2 looks at DD1 with such joy and they way DD1 loves on DD2 takes all that guilt away. It's awesome.

[daisymommy]

Quote:
"And really, when you love one little person so much, how do you ever love another one as much??"

ABSOLUTELY-POSITIVELY!!! You will be shocked and amazed how much you are able to love the next one just as much! They all have their own unique personality, and reasons that you love them for themselves, in different ways. It's like your heart doubles in size

And I was fearful for the same reasons that you are. Yes, our kids have to share us, and that can be very hard. But the positives far outweigh the negatives. My kids ADORE each other; they are best friends. Okay, so when they aren't babies anymore and they are getting into each other's stuff they can fight like cats and dogs but they can't get enough of the baby! Hannah waits for Josh to come home from school all day and acts like Santa Claus has arrived when he gets home. Joshua will wake Hannah up from a nap (grrr...) because he wants to play with her.

I would make it a point to do whatever you can to give your younger DD one-on-one time when you can, or take her for special outings sometimes and leave the baby with Daddy so that she gets you all to herself. Also asking her to bring you things for the baby, and talking about what a great helper she is, what a great big sister she is giving the baby love, etc. really can make them feel important.

There is so much to bringing home a sibling that I could add, but this would get to be too long

[m448]

I've heard that's a common feeling. Personally, I didn't feel guilty for DD1 but I do now feel guilty for DD2 that she won't know what it's like to be the center of our world for 29mos like DD1 did. So, we moms get to deal with guilt either one way or another!

For me, seeing the way that DD2 looks at DD1 with such joy and they way DD1 loves on DD2 takes all that guilt away. It's awesome.

Is that an announcement? Congratulations!

[maydaymommy]

Quick reply to share our experience:

I also had a truly delightful, pure joy of a toddler.
New baby came when ds1 was 28 months. At almost 3, that toddler is still a wonderful kid, so my fears of "ruining" him were unfounded.

I thought that 28 months would be a "good" time, and it was fine, but really, any age spacing is going to be hard, no matter what!

Ds1 adapted to having ds2 beautifully. It helped that I had a lot of help early on, so ds1's life, though changed, was not as severely altered as it would have been if I had to give all of my attention to the baby and far less to him.

Last week, I was talking to ds1 about going out with "just mommy & daddy" after we took him to the eye doctor. I thought he may want to do something special with us, since we don't get to be the 3 of us often anymore. He couldn't even fathom it! Not only was he confused by the idea, but he thought it was "so silly." Why in the world would we ever want to go somewhere without the baby he wondered??!!??

So, he wasn't old enough yet to get that there would be anything "special" about going out without that baby, or getting to have mommy & daddy to himself. I am sure that will be important some day in the future, but I thought that really showed that he has adapted to having a baby.

He was very verbal, and super cognizant by the time the baby was born. And still, I don't think he remembers what it was like NOT to have ds2.

Seems like it's only us who long for the ease of going out without ds2 -- ds1 couldn't care less!

Also, it has been hard for me to have a newborn/infant, so hard that it's even difficult to imagine that some day having more than one kid will be a wonderful thing. However, it is already so rewarding, and touching, to see these brothers delight in each other.