would this bother you?

[SnuggleBuggles]

I look for excuses to go out and socialize. I probably wouldn't choose a club by myself though. But, if I did go it wouldn't be for any up to no good reason- I just love music, a chance to dance and have fun. I could be perfectly happy there alone in some cases (great music!). So, I don't know if it would bother me or not. I think if the trust is there it would be ok.

Beth

[american_mama]

I'm not sure what you mean by clubs - dance clubs, strip clubs, music bars? My DH goes out to a bar at the hotel or nearby when he travels, but he makes it a point to call me in lieu of doing something more... risque, for lack of a better word. I am specifically thinking of certain situations, one where colleagues were going out for serious drinking, one where lots of people were going out gambling, and twice when a woman he met at the bar started hitting on him.

The last situation leads me to say that women can hit on your husband even if he is not really inviting it. Some women don't care if a guy is married and probably more women think if a guy is at a club, being really sociable to her, that he wants to do something with her and IS inviting it, even if that is not your DH's intention. I can imagine it must be extremely hard for a guy to walk away from that - after all, nobody would ever know. I think your husband and you should talk about that scenario, even plan for it now, when it's non-emotional, because I suspect it will happen sometime.

Maybe your DH can call you from the club on his cell, just to remind him of you, or call you before he's going out so you can call him if you want, just so you feel you're not left in the dark and can make your presence known. If your DH is ever tempted, maybe there is someone else he can call to talk about it, even if he's not ready to tell you (my DH did this once, calling his mom who he is extremely close to, and told me about it later). Or maybe you could set up some ground rules that would make you feel more comfortable with the situation: i.e. he goes only with a colleague, or he doesn't dance with anyone there, or he calls you when he comes back to say that's he's in for the night, or whatever.

I hope I haven't played marriage counselor; I freely admit that I do not know what I am talking about. But I think there are alternatives beyond all or nothing in terms of him going out, alternatives that would hopefully let him have some of what he enjoys while addressing some of your concerns too.

[jacksmomtobe]

I think if my DH was going to a bar the scenario as others mentioned I would be fine with it. Or if he was going to a club due to some business obligation or need to bond with other co-workers from another office. The fact that he is going to a club which is not really a hang out & meet the local people type of thing is a bit weird to me. I also think woman at the club would think he was strange and maybe get a bit creeped out by a married guy there alone. Or maybe view his intentions to be different than they are since he is there alone ie looking for some fun. Not to say that his intent is to cheat but there are other more appropriate places to meet the locals such as a restaurant, coffee place. Also not to say that he should stay in his hotel room he could go see the local sights or things unique to that area. I don't think a club has that same want to see something new value. Also clubs are often hard to talk in due to the setting. Maybe since he thrives on social interactions he likes the attention he gets from others there. And maybe in some way its a safe because he gets quick attention and then goes to the safety that he is married. You have to determine your own comfort level but the fact that he is going to a club && alone to a club) rather than just going out somewhere else in the other city would bother me.

[teedeedee]

My DH doesn't go to "clubs" when he travels if you mean dance clubs and that sort of thing. But he is extremely extroverted and a real social butterfly and he really thrives on social interaction. He does go to bars when he travels and goes out to eat every night he is traveling. He isn't great at just sitting alone. He calls me every night when he gets in (always at a reasonable hour) and we talk for awhile.

When he's home, he also goes to the local sports bar once or twice a week for an hour or so. He has become friends with the bartenders. He often takes work notes, homework, or a book and will just sit and read/work. It's kinda like his coffee shop. It used to make me worry when we first got married, but now I'm comfortable with it. I trust him and have come to understand he seems to recharge off this environment. He will go either in the evening right after work, or while I'm sitting working on homework.

I attribute this to the fact that it is just his personality and that he was 32 when we met and married. Before we met, he went out to eat and then would just sit at the bar with buddies or to talk to perfect strangers every night. It's just the way he is.

BUT, all that said, I do think "clubs" would make me nervous. I don't know why but I think of them differently- where people go to drink, meet, and hook up. I think that if that were my DH's "thing" that we'd have ground rules. Like pp said, if he wants to cheat, he can do that anytime, anyplace. But I feel like alcohol and environment can make things hazy. My DH would have to have a curfew and a nightly phone call for starters.

But, you have to figure out if you are comfortable with the clubs and find what works for you and your marriage.

[JoyNChrist]

It wouldn't bother me at all with my DH, but I don't know how I'd feel in your situation.

My DH used to travel for work frequently and he and his coworkers would occasionally go out to bars, casinos, or whatever. I never minded. I know DH has gone to a few karaoke places when he's traveled alone (yeah, the guy likes karaoke, lol), and that doesn't bother me either. But I have complete trust in my DH, and it also helps that DH doesn't drink at all...I know from working as a bartender in college that alcohol can make people do things they'd ordinarily never do. I'd be much less okay with DH going out to bars alone if he drank.

I guess it just depends on what works in your marriage. I would think that if it bothers you enough to feel jealous, it warrants a discussion. I wouldn't want to have to feel that way all the time, ya know?

[fivi2]

IMO -

Either you trust him or you don't.

I find it odd that so many say they'd be okay with a sports bar or a coffee shop or a restaurant, but not a club. If someone is going to cheat, any of those places would provide the opportunity.

I also think you have no control over the situation. If he is up to no good while out and you try to forbid it - wouldn't he just stop telling you about it? Why would he break his vows not to cheat, but keep his promise to stay in his room at night? (ftr - I am not assuming he is cheating, it is probably innocent).

It sounds like he enjoys going out and listening to music or dancing or whatever. He likes that and not sports, so why should he go sit in a sports bar just because more people would be okay with that?

I hope you guys can talk about it and reach an agreement that you are both happy with!