How do you get over stuff? (loss mentioned)

[JoyNChrist]

Three weeks ago, my grandmother's nephew lost one of his 5-year-old twin daughters to complications from a routine tonsillectomy. It was a complete shock (I mean, seriously, who dies from a tonsillectomy?!) and the whole family was devastated. I don't really know these people (have probably met the girls twice in five years), but of course I was heartbroken for them when I found out and even cried about it when my mom was telling me. I just can't imagine what the parents must be going through...

But the thing is, I just can't seem to get over this. I think about it all the time. I tear up about it during the most random times. I really don't know what has gotten into me.

I'm a fairly empathetic person, but I'm not usually overly emotional (I'm not one to cry at funerals, for example). I know that some of it probably has to do with being pregnant and emotional, and I know that I'm probably projecting a lot of how I'd feel in that situation (just as a parent and then also as we're expecting twins). But I really can't think of anything that's ever stuck with me like this, especially considering that I wasn't close to this family at all.

What do you do when something is bugging or upsetting you and you can't seem to let it go? I've tried talking to DH about it but I don't think he understands how I feel...which is perfectly understandable since I don't really understand how I feel. Oy...I'm rambling now...maybe I just needed to get it out there in writing...

[elektra]

I think I know what you mean. I saw our neighbor's dog get hit in the street right in front of our house (I posted about it here even) and I just could not shake the image from my head, and I kept picturing DD out there instead of the dog- morbid thoughts like that. I was VERY down over the whole thing. Really upset.
And then of course it was BBB to the rescue! Someone posted about trying to focus on the difference between sympathy and empathy, and really trying to see the situation for what it was- something to be sympathetic about, but it's not something that I really need to project on to myself by being empathetic.
So instead of "I am so upset, what if that was DD? I would be destroyed. How horrible. Poor me."
I tried to focus on "I am so upset for that family. It must be so hard for them. Those poor boys lost their dog. The poor dog. I will think good thoughts that they can all start feeling better soon."

ETA: I just realized that I was also pregnant when I witnessed the dog being hit. So not to just "blame it on the hormones" but it's likely that pregnancy hormones could be playing a part too.
I eventually got out of my funk, so it could just take a little time. You will start to focus on other things. Take care.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

oh wow all i can say is and my prayers are with that family.

no advice here really except for i can totally relate about not being able to get over things like this. when i was in grad school a labmate of mine died suddenly after slipping on a wet bathroom floor one morning. i didn't really know her all that well, but knowing that she worked in the office down the hall, and one day she was here and the next day she wasn't, really freaked me out and made me incredibly sad. i just couldn't imagine the grief her parents must be going through. i too am not overly emotional but this one got to me, i guess due to the sudden nature of it. and yeah, my DH didn't really get why i was so upset. i remember when it happened he came home from work one day and i was in tears and then when i told him what had happened, he then seemed somehow relieved and said something "oh, i see, i thought something had happened to someone in your family or something." for him, he never really gets upset over tragic things unless it involves an immediate family member, so he didn't get why i get so upset over it. it's really hard to explain to someone why it's so hard to get over.

anyway, all i can say is that with time it tends to get better. what helped me is talking to others who could understand. the day after this tragedy happened, a bunch of people in our lab all got together to talk about it, and also to say a few prayers & remember her.

[sunnyside]

Oooh I am sorry. I have no advice but I can relate. I'm somewhat sensitive and I do think about these things and find them upsetting. I don't think it's abnormal for you to feel that way at all.

[baymom]

I am so sorry for your family's loss! That is so, so tragic.... I don't really have any great advice to offer, but just wanted to say when I have a hard time with things, I give myself permission to cry...and cry...and then cry some more. For me, crying seems to be very therapeutic.

Personally, I think that in American culture, people don't give each other enough space (if that's the right word..) to truly mourn death. In many other cultures, there are a lots of traditional, outward signs of mourning. It's a long process to wrap one's mind around death (especially such a tragic one!) and it's important to give yourself that time. You cannot be expected to be 'okay' overnight, weather or not she was a regular part of your life. Take care of yourself.... I'm so sorry she passed away like that..

[wellyes]

That is absolutely horrible. I'm stunned, reading that. I don't know how to get past the unexpected death of a 5 year old. One leaving a twin sister behind. That's horrible. I think your reaction is proper, really. Loss is part of life and over time we come to accept what we cannot change. But you can't rush that.

I'm so sorry.

[DrSally]

That is absolutely horrible. I'm stunned, reading that. I don't know how to get past the unexpected death of a 5 year old. One leaving a twin sister behind. That's horrible. I think your reaction is proper, really. Loss is part of life and over time we come to accept what we cannot change. But you can't rush that.

I'm so sorry.

THis is so, so horrible. I think even if you're not super emotional in general, you're pregnant, and this is a child that died. It would touch any mom to the core to even imagine the pain this family must be in.

[MamaKath]

That is absolutely horrible. I'm stunned, reading that. I don't know how to get past the unexpected death of a 5 year old. One leaving a twin sister behind. That's horrible. I think your reaction is proper, really. Loss is part of life and over time we come to accept what we cannot change. But you can't rush that.

I'm so sorry.

I am very sorry for your family's loss! Situations like that are often hard for me to move past also as it is close enough that I really want to be able to help/ provide support, but removed enough that I may not be able to. Many prayers for you and also for your cousin and family.

[mommylamb]

That is so terrible. I'm so sorry for the parents.

I've noticed that since I became a mother that I am much more emotional about things like this (or books/movies even if a child is involved) than I ever was before I had DS. I think I just put myself more in the shoes of the parent, and I bet you do too. Plus, the fact that you're having twins is probably making you feel even more empathetic with them.

[Globetrotter]

Gosh, I teared up reading it. I can't imagine what you are going through.



i find it helps to vent and talk about it, and cry as much as needed. It will take time, but eventually you will be able to focus on other things. Keep busy as much as possible.