Bad role models for DD - what to do?

[PMJ]

I'm planning on visiting my family in May - mother and grandmother. Everyone is excited about the visit b/c DD is the first grandchild/great-grandchild in the family.

I'm a bit worried about the visit b/c my mother curses a LOT and just has a general negative attitude on life. I was relieved when we moved away from them, so DD would not always be around that cursing and negativity.

1) How can I try to shield DD from this or how can I tell my mother, in a nice way, don't act like this in front of my daughter? (My mother tends to say things like, "You don't understand, you don't have a kid blah blah blah". Now I feel like she can't say that anymore, b/c I do have a kid!

2) How do I politely tell Mom and Grandma not for advice unless I ask for it?

Many thanks.

First time Mom

[sste]

We have the same issue with smoking, swearing, chain-smoking, off the set of jerry springer relatives. Well, perhaps your relatives are not so severe but just reading into the situation based on my own!

We spend the ride home discussing with DS why we do NOT smoke or swear in our house. How smoking hurts your body. How if you swear some people will feel uncomfortable and not want to be friends with you. Different things you can do instead of swearing when you get mad.

If there is any yelling, fighting, or physical aggression, we leave immediately, in as long as it takes us to get our jackets on. And our child is never, ever left alone with these relatives.

We don't see them regularly in part because of this issue but I think on an occasional basis it can be a teaching moment.

[khalloc]

Well your daughter won't even be 1 yet so its unlikely this stuff will rub off. I dont like people cursing in front of my children, but at 9 months its not likely they are going to pick up any new words.

[TwinFoxes]

I do think now's the time to try to nip it in the bud, rather than waiting until your DD is older. What about just saying "Mom, language" in a non-aggressive way just to let her know you don't find it acceptable. Or my favorite goofy saying "little pitchers have big ears". Maybe with effort, your mom can curtail the language etc.

2) How do I politely tell Mom and Grandma not for advice unless I ask for it?

Oh, wait, you were serious?

I'm sure others on this board have better luck than me (although for me it's not my mom, it's MIL who has plenty o' advice).

[ewpmsw]

Another Springer family of origin here. We limit our visits and have been pleasantly surprised with how well-behaved the family, etc. have been around DD and DN. DH and I rehearse what's okay/not okay ahead of time, and he lets me vent as much as I need to. So far, a lot of the stress and tension is mostly stuff I'm anticipating happening, stuff that hasn't happened after all during visits (so far, knock on wood).

As far as asking people not to give advice: Polite is the way to go, but you might as well tell them not to breathe. The positions of grandmother, aunt, older cousin, etc. have "advice giver" in the job descriptions, even if they've penciled it in over your own set of rules. You don't have to take the advice or defend your reasons for doing things your own way. It's okay to say no. You may have to repeat it many times. If the drama, scenes, stress and tension get to be more than you want to deal with, it's okay to leave. IMO, before you make the trip, you need to give yourself permission to set boundaries, say no and leave, and keep telling yourself it's okay. You're the Mom in your own family now and (IMHO) that takes priority over most other family stuff.

Good luck and I hope you have a good time sharing your DC with your family.

[wellyes]

Cussing, negative attitude won't do any harm or make any difference to a baby that young, and don't let it ruin YOUR day. You did great moving away from what was making you miserable My advice is to avoid drama as much as you can. And maybe - who knows? Maybe they'll surprise you with unexpected graciousness?

2) How do I politely tell Mom and Grandma not for advice unless I ask for it?

You can't control them, only yourself, so just smile and don't engage them in debate. For example:
"Why are you still nursing?"
"Oh, we love nursing. How about that Neil Patrick Harris - he's hilarious, huh?"
"The baby looks so bored rear facing, you should really turn this car seat around"
"We do it differently these days. Speaking of cars, does Aunt Hilda still have that old clunker"
etc.

I have said to my own mother (who's generally pretty well-behaved) things like "I don't want to talk about it" and once, very calmly, "you're going too far, it's making me unhappy, let's change the subject, OK?" I know I probably drive her nuts too, in my way, and I try to keep that in mind..... the whole idea is to have a good time together and enjoy this time with the LO so try to keep the focus on that.