advice for discipline issue w/ 6 yo

[firstbaby]

DS 1 has really been pushing the limits lately with not listening / obeying. I posted last week about an issue w/ my IL's where my FIL pinched his cheeks together to get his attention after trying to get his attention to follow directions while they were out somewhere. I am very uncomfortable getting physical (pinching / spanking, etc) to get him to follow directions / obey. However, I am not okay with him not listening / following directions.

Today, a friend of mine watched him and she had several kids over for a play group. She has watched him half a dozen times over the last year and he is always fantastic. Very helpful, respectful, etc. I asked her today how he was and she told me that he was very challenging with listening at one particular time. She told the kids to use the back door to go out on the play set to play. DS decided that he would go out the front door. She went and stopped him and told him that the instruction was to go out the back door. He turned his back on her and was STILL going to go out the front door. She again told him that was not okay and that she would call me to come and get him immediately if he could not follow directions. She then went on to explain why she needed them to go out the back door, which she should not have to do. He finally relented and went out the back door.

He has been doing this at home a lot lately - trying to "argue" / assert his will in cases when we need him to do things a certain way. I am okay that "blind obedience" is not realistic, but I am not okay with this lack of respect and listening by him towards his parents and other adults responsible for him. He gets a lot of input on daily tasks, choices, etc and yet here we are in a power struggle over listening to basic instructions.

So, WWYD? I am not open to physical punishment, but need a reasonable consequence and I need a way to turn this behavior around. Help TIA!

[m448]

Has your friend watched any kids, particularly boys of that age or older? I say this because his behavior while less than desirable is very age-expected.

In my case I wouldn't have have said that I would call you to pick him up. I just would have firmly said that going out the front door is not an option, locked it (mine has a keyed deadbolt) and physically walked him out the back door. Compliance is not optional although I have no problem explaining the why of a safety issue. I also have a very firm voice and confident demeanor when it comes to kids who can sniff ambivalence a mile away. I'm still fun but firm you know? I do this with my own 6.5 year old and I've seen this ramp up in other six year old enough to know it's not anything that maturity and consistency on the parent's behalf won't fix.

[firstbaby]

My friend has two kids that are older than my DS - one boy and one girl. I'm not concerned about how she responded to him. She is very consistent and confident and I think she was surprised that he was not following through with what she said since he's never reacted that way before.

I'm more concerned about what we (DH and I) can do to do "get" DS's attention that he NEEDS to listen / follow instructions. Also, appropriate consequences for not following directions or debating? Obviously, standing our ground and staying consistent is our first reaction to the situation in the moment, but I feel that we need to follow through with a consequence for the behavior.

Any other input?

[m448]

Had this been a playdate the related consequence is if you can't be successful on a playdate you don't get to go over again for a bit or without momma. However I find that if I'm searching for a consequence to drive the point home then really I'm getting frustrated and wanting to short circuit that maturity and parental consistency which both take time. I would just work on telling him something once then making it happen right away. If you want him to listen let him know your words have meaning. Around here it means I try to say things once then I get up and physically move, direct or walk the person to where they are supposed to be. That doesn't mean threaten or tack on consequences - it means resistance is futile and they get it when I mean it. Doesn't mean the child won't still try to do their own thing, they're a child but that I try (try being the operative word) to do this consistently, every.single.time.