Went to an interesting lecture that reported on public perceptions of SAHMs

[BargainMomforLuke]

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[MamaSnoo]

I have been trying to stay off this thread on purpose. I think some of the posts from both SAHPs and WOHPs have been pretty inflamatory. So here is my 2c.

It seems to me that there are pretty much 4 camps:
1. SAHP who do it by choice. They have the background to have a job, but do not "need" the income. They have decided it is best for them and their family to be at home.
2. SAHPs who do not do it by choice. They may not have enough earning power to make up for the expenses of WOTH (i.e. childcare, etc). They have decided it is best for them to be at home.
3. WOHPs who do it by choice. They may have a career that they enjoy, one they view as fullfilling an important role in society, or one that they sacrificed to attain and do not want to "give it up." Or, they may not want to be a SAHP. So, they have decided it is best for them and their family to be at work.
4. WOHPs who do not do it by choice. It they are lucky, they enjoy their career, but really they are working because their family needs the income (could be a second income or a single parent with a single income). They have decided it is best for them to be at work.

FWIW, I WOTH. By choice. That said, I have the utmost respect for people who SAH (I have considered doing it). Both ways, parenthood is really hard work!

I am tired of hearing that people who SAH are doing something better for their kids than people who work. I am also tired of hearing people who WOTH defending themselves by saying, but "I have to financially." That is not the only reason to WOTH. And ITA that people saying that SAHPs are dumb or wasting their brains is both false and offensive.

If you look at the 4 very stereotyped groups I listed above, you will see that the bottom line is that everyone is trying to do what is best for their family. However, that choice is not one-size-fits-all. Just like we do not all choose the same stroller, we do not all make the same choices for our families with respect to childcare/work/etc. I think we need to get together on this and respect each other's choices. We need to focus our efforts on ensuring that we live in a society that respects all mothers, fathers, and families, regardless of the choices.

[C99]

You are damned if you do work & damned if you stay home, so I just try to do my best to be a great wife & mother. Each day begins with new & different challenges. I know not everyone is cut out to be a working mom & the same can be said for a SAHM.

This is SO true. I know that FOR ME, I didn't want to be a housewife. And in large part, that is what my DH expected of me because I stayed at home. There were still some chores that he did, but for the most part, everything fell to me. And while I enjoyed cooking and baking and shopping and laundry, I hated cleaning. I still hate cleaning. Unlike some women in my generation of mothers, I didn't turn the same fierce ambition on my mothering career as I did to my professional career. It was easier to coast. And this is probably where my feeling of moms-as-second-class citizens came from: I found it so hard to verbalize what my true value was as a SAHM. Because the truth of it is that you cannot quantify the value of a SAHP. It's not a tangible output. There's no measurable ROI.

I really loved certain parts of being a SAHM and I was good at some of them. I really enjoyed the nursing, nurturing stages of infancy and toddlerhood. My oldest is now 7 and to quote a wise friend of mine, he really doesn't have time for me that much anymore. Oh, he still needs hugs and books and someone to make him lunch and listen to his day at school, but he doesn't need me in that fierce way toddlers do.

Luckily no matter what I choose to do, my family supports me 100%. I cannot tell you enough how great that feels! No one looks down at me for the choices I make.

My mom stayed home for most of my childhood. She may have returned to the workforce indefinitely, but she got pregnant with my sister when I was 14 and that killed that. My brother makes snarky comments to me all the time that she'd be happier if she was working, but I argue with him all the time also that it's not his place to say and no, I don't really think our mother would be happier working. She'd have something to do with her days that didn't involve my sister (who is now almost 21 and goes to school an hour away from home), so she'd be less of a helicopter parent, but I don't think she'd actually be happier. My parents are not judgmental of me, but I did get the sense that they really questioned my going back to work.

When a working mom says to me condescendingly, "I just don't know HOW you stay home with your kids all day!" My retort is, "I just don't know HOW you take your kids to daycare each morning!"

Good for you. Really! I dislike these types of comments. It's like when you are pregnant with twins and someone asks you if you are nuts. Really? Really? NOT helpful. And not even a conversation starter either.

[boolady]

I am also tired of hearing people who WOTH defending themselves by saying, but "I have to financially." That is not the only reason to WOTH.

I think everything you've said makes a lot of sense except, well, this. There are people, like myself, who make more than 1/2 the income in their families (by a slight margin), but also carry the health benefits and simply cannot make the numbers work for their family if they don't work. No, it may not be the only reason to WOTH for some, but it is for some. Me, at least. Given the choice? I'd be at home with DD right now. Surely I can't be the only one.

[Indianamom2]

While everyone has to make the decision that's for them twoboos I'd highly recommend you don't judge SAHM long term with those first several years. Those years when the kids are so young that it's give, give, give (from you). After a while when they get older it's a lot less giving and a lot more enjoying.

Plus I'm not one to find myself enthralled with the romance of motherhood/homemaking. I do however enjoy my kids, look forward to homeschooling them, bad days and good days. I don't keep rose colored glasses on when I evaluate my decision, I enjoy it for what it is.

Very good points on all accounts. As with any job, there are good and not so good aspects. I defy anyone to tell me that they absolutely love every single aspect of their job.

I personally abhor cleaning the kitchen...but it's a part of my job and I do it. I love being there for my kids when they have a field trip. They're both part of the job, I just like some parts less...

[MamaSnoo]

I think everything you've said makes a lot of sense except, well, this. There are people, like myself, who make more than 1/2 the income in their families (by a slight margin), but also carry the health benefits and simply cannot make the numbers work for their family if they don't work. No, it may not be the only reason to WOTH for some, but it is for some. Me, at least. Given the choice? I'd be at home with DD right now. Surely I can't be the only one.

So, you find yourself in my category 4 above. There is nothing wrong with that. I think it is wonderful that you are able to make such an important contribution to your family. And, in your case, you may not have a choice. And you might choose to be in category 1 if you did have a choice, and I think there are a lot of people like you.

Personally, I struggle with it when I hear WOHPs say things that sound like they are apologizing for working. Too often, I hear people say things that go pretty much like....."I know SAHP is better, but I/weboth "have to work" to make ends meet." Well, some things in our life would change if I did not have my income, but I do not have to work. But in the case of my and my family, I think this is the best choice. I also think there are other people like me out there, and that our choices are not "wrong."

[arivecchi]

Who cares what anyone thinks if you are comfortable with your decision? I WOHM and could not be more confident in my decision. I really do not feel that I am depriving my kids or my family of anything. The same can be said of SAHPs.

It comes down to what works for the parent as an individual and for the family. I guess most of us are lucky in the sense that what is best for us and the family coincide.

[Indianamom2]

We're sort of getting off-topic here. This wasn't a debate about which is better: SAHM vs. WOHM. I personally don't care what choice anyone else makes. Each family does what it has to.

I think the key words here are "perception" and "respect". The perception is that SAH parents are less-abled, lazy, unmotivated or unintelligent and thus worthy of less respect. This is the issue and it is utterly false.

[MamaSnoo]

I think the key words here are "perception" and "respect". The perception is that SAH parents are less-abled, lazy, unmotivated or unintelligent and thus worthy of less respect. This is the issue and it is utterly false.

ITA. Sorry if I contributed to us getting off topic.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

We're sort of getting off-topic here. This wasn't a debate about which is better: SAHM vs. WOHM. I personally don't care what choice anyone else makes. Each family does what it has to.

I think the key words here are "perception" and "respect". The perception is that SAH parents are less-abled, lazy, unmotivated or unintelligent and thus worthy of less respect. This is the issue and it is utterly false.

i agree we are kind of getting off-topic here.

and as others said before, i think a big part of the skewed perception of SAHMs as you described (uneducated, lazy etc), is due to socioeconomic generalizations as others had initially mentioned. in high COL areas, as others said, SAHMs tend to be on the extremes..either poor or wealthy. where i lived in Boston for example..if a woman mentioned she was a SAHM, mostly people would assume her husband is either quite well-off (thus giving rise to the whole air-head/gold-digger/ stereotype) or that she was uneducated and thus had no real earning power. bc in expensive areas for most middle class folks it is very common that 2 incomes are required to make ends meet. this is not true in other areas where the cost of living is lower, and thus women with degrees who do not have wealthy husbands actually have the option of staying home. so it is much more common in middleclass families to be a SAHM

as a sahm of course i agree that these perceptions are incorrect, i'm just trying to say where these perceptions come from. that's why i and a few others wondered where this study was based from (e.g. what type of population was polled)