Went to an interesting lecture that reported on public perceptions of SAHMs

[citymama]

The stereotypes are shocking.

We need to just let people - esp. fellow moms and dads - make their own decisions about what's best for them and their families and stop judging, rating and stereotyping them. As long as the individuals involved (kids and parents) are doing OK and making these choices voluntarily, hands off our parenting choices, please.

[Moneypenny]

I think it's even harsher for SAHDs sadly.

Yes, it's very hard for SAHDs, too. DH is a SAHD and is part of a very active local SAHDs group. It's shocking the things people to say to them, mostly revolving around the perception that they must be completely incompetent and, therefore, can't hold down a job even if they want to, or that they are pedophiles.

[sste]

Yes, dads too.

I should clarify that if memory serves I think the lecturer said the studies were on sahps (gender neutral). In fact, the central point of the lecture was about how the recession has very much upset gender stereotypes because men have been born the brunt of unemployment based on the industries they are in.

The way the ratings worked was that they asked separately how would you in the abstract rate an elderly person, a sahp, someone with a handicap, etc. And then they figured out averages or medians for each category and the sahps were rated quite closely to the ill, elderly, etc.

Although not discussed, I would guess that this affects people that don't know you - - so in other words stereotypes "fill in" in low-information situations. The lecturer was interested in how this affected people in re-employment or when making the transition from sahp to woh.

ETA: Uh, now that I think about it I hope sharing this hasn't made anyone feel worse. I thought of it as validating of people's feelings of being judged. . . but as my DH will tell you, my "EQ" is rather frighteningly low!!

[JoyNChrist]

I haven't run across this issue in particular, but I do have a lot of people in my life who seem to think I've "thrown my brain away" in order to be a SAHM. I was really advanced in school and skipped two grades, and finished college at 20. Aced the ACT and SAT, National Merit Scholar, fluent in 3 languages, blah, blah, blah. I think everyone expected me to be an astronaut or something.

When I married at 20 and had DS at 21, a lot of people in my small hometown were shocked (in fact, several speculated that I got married because I was pregnant, but if you do the math you'll know that's not true ). I still get a lot of comments to the effect of "Imagine where you could be today" or "Think of the money you could be making." It's annoying, because I have thought about all that...and it doesn't matter to me. Didn't matter to me then, and doesn't now. DH makes a comfortable salary, we have a comfortable life, and I'm living my dream of being a wife and mom.

Why people can't just be supportive of everyone's personal choices, I'll never know...

[Globetrotter]

That's depressing, but I'm not too surprised. Most of my SAH friends have graduate degrees, in some cases doctorates!

I can imagine how hard it is for a SAHD. It sucks.

[Ceepa]

I wonder how mental competence is being defined. I'm not challenged mentally the way I was when working, but I wouldn't say my mental acuity is on par with an upper-age senior citizen.

But being judged as a SAHP is nothing new in many circles. I just try to avoid those circles. People are going to think what they want but my children are my priority so I don't really care about misconceptions.

And I agree that SAHDs get a raw deal.

[mommylamb]

People are going to think what they want but my children are my priority so I don't really care about misconceptions.

Here I go with the being sensitive stuff, but my child is my priority too. These are the types of comments that make me feel like people judge WOHMs to be lesser parents.

[doberbrat]

Why people can't just be supportive of everyone's personal choices, I'll never know...

Jealousy? I know I try really hard not to be but I will admit that I'm envious of my sahm friends who have the choice. Esp those that arent hurting for $$ even though they sah.

Here I go with the being sensitive stuff, but my child is my priority too. These are the types of comments that make me feel like people judge WOHMs to be lesser parents.

I have to agree. B/c I want my kids to eat, have a roof over their heads, an education etc, I have to work.

[g-mama]

Interesting. I think sometimes people perceive me as privileged around where I live. It is a very high cost of living area and I've had people, particularly WOHMs, say things to the effect of "wow, must be nice" or "That's nice work if you can get it!" But perhaps if I were living in a trailer park or something, the perception would be different. I don't ever feel looked down upon, though.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I do still have an issue when I'm filling out a form that says "occupation?" I do not like to put Homemaker or SAHM, as I know some people do undervalue it. That's my issue.

I have the same issue. I hate the idea of being a "homemaker" so I always handwrite mom. That, to me, is a legitimate "career" and it bothers me that other people look down on that choice.

I think I am the only SAHP in my circle without an advanced degree.

eta- I once lied to someone when we were out about what I did because I knew I'd never see them again and I knew that by saying I was a SAHM I'd get the pity look I have seen before.

Something interesting I have noticed lately though is a generational difference in how being a SAHM is perceived. People my age aren't nearly as supportive and encouraging about it as people a generation or 2 older. The older people are often very nice and say how it is a great thing. It isn't an instant conversation killer as it is to people my age. I have been in cases where people just kind of move on from me at cocktail parties if I say I am a SAHM, like I don't have anything interesting to contribute. It is a downer.

Beth