Went to an interesting lecture that reported on public perceptions of SAHMs

[boolady]

This is not directed as sste, who I think started this thread out of genuine interest in the topic, but can we please wave the white flag on this one? I don't want to have initials. I don't need to only ask other WOH mothers what time they put their kids to bed or what they feed them or when they feel it's appropriate to start preschool. I want to know what all moms think. I don't want to see any more threads that start with initials, because I thought the reason that we're all on here is that we're moms, not SAH moms or WOH moms or WAH moms or pt-WOH or ft-blah blah blah.

Fact of the matter is that no one and nothing can be put into neat categories. There is no way on earth that just because I work out of the home, I think and do exactly like every other mother on here who works outside of the home, or that there is even a "way" that work outside the home moms do things or think about things. There is no way on earth that just because other people are stay at home moms, they do or think the same "way." People work for different reasons, people stay home for different reasons, people are happy working, people are unhappy working, people are happy at home, people are unhappy at home.

People's experiences, families, goals, desires, you name it are all far too unique to lump people together the way they seem to get lumped together when you start labeling. These threads start, and everyone's basis for "knowing" what all stay at home moms are like or all work outside the home moms are like and what all of their kids are like comes rolling out. My daughter is not your work outside the home neighbor's daughter, so don't assume she is. I don't assume your stay at home daughter is like my stay at home neighbor's daughter.

Bottom line: We're here because we're moms (and dads ) or about to become moms or dads. Can't that be enough?

[mommylamb]

Interesting. I think sometimes people perceive me as privileged around where I live. It is a very high cost of living area and I've had people, particularly WOHMs, say things to the effect of "wow, must be nice" or "That's nice work if you can get it!" But perhaps if I were living in a trailer park or something, the perception would be different. I don't ever feel looked down upon, though.

I think there are a lot of WOHMs that wish they could be SAHMs, just because there are a lot of people in general who dislike their jobs, so a lot of WOHMs fall into that category. Those folks might be the type to say those sorts of things. But, those of us who enjoy their jobs are probably less likely to make those kinds of comments. Sure, there are days when I'd like to be a SAHM, but overall I like things the way I have them (but it would be sooo nice to work 30-35 hours a week!) It's certainly not a nice thing to say because it puts you in a strange position. I mean, how do you respond to that?

[sste]

Everyone, I am sorry! I am a complete idiot, truly. I posted with the best intentions thinking that it would make people feel better that they are not crazy and in fact there is some social stigma/judgment. And also it helped me think in a more understanding way about why people may read ambigious things (or even completely neutral things) that I post as judging or looking down upon SAHMs.

But, I can see now how this research tidbit could make people feel worse.

Perhaps I should turn my interest in research to how to develop one's own interpersonal sensitivity in adulthood!!

[twowhat?]

I think WOHMs will always have reasons to justify that their choice is "better" and SAHMs will always have reasons to justify that their choice is "better". It's a woman's way to make herself feel OK with her choice.

I'm a SAHM, finished college at 20 and grad school a few years after. I made the decision based on what was best for our family. We have had to penny pinch to make it work - we fall neither at the "very poor" or "very wealthy" ends of the spectrum. Between spending $$ to put two infants in daycare and them getting sick often, leading to use of PTO and vacation to compensate, with a husband that travels frequently for his job and me choosing to stay at home, it was an easy decision to make to stay at home. I don't regret it at all and I'm proud of being part of making things work for our family.

Unfortunately now I am dreading going back to work...

[klwa]

Seriously? I'd be questioning the research that went into this....

I've really not seen that sort of bias in daily living. (Although, I AM a WOHM, so it wouldn't be directed towards me.)

I just wonder at the selection criteria that went into who was surveyed, etc, as well as how the questions were worded.

[saboater]

I find that curious, I've never heard comments regarding intelligence, its been more of a "laziness" or work ethic stereotype rather than intelligence driven.

This is especially by people that don't have kids, so they frown at people and don't understand the work involved.

[Ceepa]

Here I go with the being sensitive stuff, but my child is my priority too. These are the types of comments that make me feel like people judge WOHMs to be lesser parents.

I meant it more as my kids are my priority so anything anyone says about me as a SAHM rolls off my back. As in, "You think I'm a drooling idiot? OK Whatever. Because my family's decision far outweighs what some poll shows." Does that make sense? I didn't mean to offend, but I can see how someone could have misread what I wrote.

[elliput]

eta- I once lied to someone when we were out about what I did because I knew I'd never see them again and I knew that by saying I was a SAHM I'd get the pity look I have seen before.

I have started telling people I'm the CEO of the family business. We may not provide any goods or services, but my family is a business.

[maestramommy]

SAHMs tend to be at the extreme ends of the income spectrum. Poor women and rich women. I'm guessing perceptions like the ones you describe have more to do with class than job status.

I'd have to agree too, because I can't imagine any other reason for such a shocking finding! I don't think I've met anyone who actually feels that way, or if they did they were too polite to tell me so! OP, where did you hear this lecture, and what kind of studies were done.

Though I have to admit there are days when *I* personally feel like I'm veering towards mentally incompetent. My brain is a sieve. A sieve, I tell you.

[sste]

Maestramommy, it was a university lecture but I haven't personally reviewed the underlying research (my own work would grind to a halt if I did that for every lecture!).

I think what is catching people up is that people don't experience tons of that judgment in daily life because people in our daily life KNOW us. The stereotypes come into play when people have zero information - - as in an abstract rating of competence. This is part of the reason, I think, that sahps often find it harder than it should be to transition back into the workplace or run for public office, etc. And part of the reason on internet sites that people may perceive that posters that don't know them at all may be making stereotypical judgments.

But, as I mentioned a few posts up, I am a complete idiot and for social denseness this post rivals the time my dog barked at a black man in a wheelchair and having read all about how unsocialized dogs actually routinely discriminate against black people, I ran up to the man and anxious to reassure him that he wasn't a victim of doggie racial bias, I explained "This isn't because you are black. Our dog is scared of your wheelchair!" My DH still won't let me live that one down . . .