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  1. #1
    Ceepa is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    Default Anyone successfully moved back near family? Crazy family? ;)

    There may be a possibility that work would carry us back to the area where our families are.

    We haven't lived there for years, and the distance has given us perspective to see how dysfunctional certain aspects were to relationships with family members. There is some strain and as certain members age they have become more childish and difficult to deal with.

    I've really enjoyed the break being far away. I liked that we could raise our family without the stress. KWIM? We still visit with family several times a year but then we could come back home or they could head back to their homestate.

    This is all still hypothetical and we may not pursue this avenue, but does anyone have a success story about creating and enforcing new family boundaries after moving and seeing relatives more regularly.

    I'm probably getting worked up for nothing, but the thought of dealing with ILs frequently (and my family to a lesser extent) makes me dizzy.

  2. #2
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    Sorry, not a success story. We lived close, moved away and moved back. Then we moved away again and a big part of the motive for moving away again was to get away from them.

    Catherine

  3. #3
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    We'll see how it goes. We moved to be closer to DH's family. I love MIL, SFIL and FIL but could do without DH's siblings and their kids [I'm awful--they aren't bad people just very different perspective on life and child raising]. To be honest, we only have the contact we want b/c his family was never the everybody get together on Sundays kind [mine is] and we have to initiate everything.

  4. #4
    hellokitty is offline Pink Diamond level (15,000+ posts)
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    Ceepa, we did it. I know you know some of my story, b/c we've talked about similarities before. We moved back right before I became pregnant with DS1. Often DH and I think that we were dumb to think that it would be all rainbows and roses for our children to have (what we thought would be) access to their grandparents. Instead, both grandparents live about an hr away (this is close for us, b/c we lived several states away before), they barely see our grandkids, BUT both sides cause DH and I a lot of grief (mostly via phone, sometimes in person). I am, "lucky" that we do not live in the same town, b/c I think it would be even worse.

    One thing that has been hard for me is the lack of help we have gotten from family. Both my mom and mil have the means to be more helpful IF THEY WANTED TO, but neither side really does much to help out. My mom is better than my mil, she will try to see us for at least 1-2 hrs every month, other than the times when we make an effort to drive to see them (DH's work makes it hard for us to leave town). My mil is essentially useless, b/c she is too scared to drive to our house (this is a big sore point for me, b/c the drive to our place is so easy, it's not a bad drive at all). It's probably a blessing in disguise that she is afraid to drive here, b/c otherwise, she'd be the type just coming over whenever she wanted (this is actually what she had told us she was going to do when we moved back in state).

    DH and I have mentioned before that we should just pick up and move to another part of the country. It wouldn't make that big of a difference to our kids and their relationship with the grandparents. Worst yet, when we moved back, both of my siblings moved out of state soon after and DH's brother was already out of state, so now we are the only adult children that have been ditched with the crazy parents. So we deal with about 75% of their craziness compared to what our siblings deal with, due mainly to the fact that we live closer, so I guess they feel it is ok to lay everything on us. Let's just say that if a good job opp would come up for DH out of state, and we would be able to unload our current house, we wouldn't have any hesitation to move away.
    Mom to 3 LEGO Maniacs

  5. #5
    C99 is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    DH and I did it and it's gone very well for the most part. There are certain family members that we avoid or w/ whom we limit our contacts, but it has not been very bad in setting up boundaries.
    Caroline, mama to DS 01/03, DD 05/05, DS 04/07
    http://littleshoulders.blogspot.com
    "Now that you're here, the word of the Lorax seems perfectly clear. UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not." -- Dr. Seuss

  6. #6
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    wellyes is offline Blue Diamond level (20,000+ posts)
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    We moved from being near my (crazy) family to being near his (crazy) family for work reasons. FIRM boundaries at first, we basically only saw anyone at holidays and maybe dinner with his folks every 2 months. When I had DD everything changed. For the better. MIL became DD's caretaker when I worked for the first year - came to our house - she and I will never be close but she is a wonderful part of DD's life. FIL, an absurdly uptight guy, melted and turned into a puddle of goo in the face of his first adorable grandchild.

    So in my experience, your relationship with them pre-kids won't necessarily be the same as what it'll be post-kids. For some, it gets more intrusive. For us, it made a tighter and much better bond than I ever expected.
    DD - 8
    DS - 5

  7. #7
    Ceepa is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by wellyes View Post
    So in my experience, your relationship with them pre-kids won't necessarily be the same as what it'll be post-kids.
    Fortunately since DC arrived things have improved, DH and I are more proactive in presenting boundaries for ourselves and our children. But that was always with the buffer of hundreds of miles. Hoping things wouldn't breakdown significantly.

  8. #8
    brgnmom is offline Sapphire level (2000+ posts)
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    we are moving to be closer to our family and for my DH's job offer. My parents and my in-laws all live within ten minutes of each other in the bay area, and we will be moving to LA (~6 hours driving distance) for the year. we're excited about the move -- I'm close to most of my relatives, except a few cousins and my BIL's wife who is not very nice to my DS. (I'm definitely not having my DS play at his cousin's home when I'm not there).

    anyway ask me in a little over a month whether our cross-country move is worthwhile. I think I'll be a lot happier on the west coast, regardless of us being closer to other family members.

    Good luck with your decision.
    Last edited by brgnmom; 04-30-2010 at 01:03 PM.

  9. #9
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    No experience moving back, but we've lived very near family since we were married.

    When I say very near, I mean VERY near. On my mom's side, we still have my grandparents and all 4 of mom's sisters and brothers and their spouses and children. All but one aunt lives within 10 minutes of us. On my dad's side, we still have my grandma, 6 of my dad's 8 brothers and sisters and their spouses and children. All live within 20 minutes of us. On FIL's sides, we have the grandparents, FIL's two sisters, and their spouses and children. All but one cousin lives within 20 minutes of us. On MIL's side, we have the grandparents, MIL's 5 brothers and sisters, and their spouses and children. All live within 30 minutes of us.

    And of course there's my mom, dad, MIL, FIL, SIL, and BIL (and his wife and three kids)...all within 15 minutes of us. That's not counting all of the extended family (grandparents' sisters and brothers and their children and grandchildren, etc), most of whom have also stayed in the area. We're literally surrounded by family.

    For the most part, it works well. We're lucky that nobody is particularly crazy (we have a few oddballs, and many whose parenting choices and lifestyles we don't agree with, but nothing that affects our lives too much). We do spend a lot of time with everyone...we typically have dinner at someone's house once or twice a week, and there's always something going on on the weekends, between birthday parties and different get-togethers. I think our mindset helps - we're both very accustomed to big, nosey southern families, so the fact that they're so involved with our lives is just the norm for us. We also make it a point to set boundaries - for example, I don't really trust my BIL (he's a great guy, but he's screwed us over on things a few times), so we just don't get really involved with them. We're friendly when we see them, but we don't go out of our way to be super involved in their lives.

    There are times I fantasize about moving far far away, but I know we're really blessed to have the situation we do. I love that our children are growing up around so many people who love them, and it's so nice to know that we have tons of help if we need it.
    Stacy
    Wife to K
    Mommy to A (5) and twins E & S (1.5)

    The biggest mistake I made is the one that most of us make...I did not live in the moment enough. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less. - Anna Quindlen

  10. #10
    codex57 is offline Emerald level (3000+ posts)
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    Good luck. I'm trying to move farther away. DW's family is crazy in their own way, but I think they're much more "normal" than mine so we'd rather move near them.

    Unfortunately for us, my mom has the means and time to plot how to get near me. We'll see how bad things get when my dad finally retires and I lose the greatest thing keeping her tied down where she lives now.

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