Anyone adopt their 3rd DC?

[KpbS]

A good friend and I were discussing this recently and she commented that she knew several families who had done so and some of the experiences they have had. I only know of one family (who subsequently had a surprise pregnancy afterward) and one family who is exploring this route. Experiences? Thoughts?

[sariana]

After my mom had my sister and me, my dad had a vasectomy. When I was 5, my parents became foster parents to a 1-year-old boy. When he was about 12, they became his legal guardians (his choice, I believe, so he could keep his last name).

The one thing that stands out in my mind is that my parents (really my mom) failed to realize that my brother was so different from my sister and me. His heritage was different, but my mom assumed that since he lived with us from a year old, that wouldn't matter. It did. His personality was much more similar to his biological mother (even though he never saw her after he turned 5) and her/his ethnic group. (The latter assessment is based on some reading my dad did about this culture years after bro was no longer living at home.)

My parents' failure to adjust their parenting styles to his personality led to some difficult times. I think things would have been much better if they had realized that he needed a different kind of parenting than my sister and I did (and it didn't help that sis and I were so similar, unlike many biological sibs).

I don't mean for this to be a negative post but rather a heads up. I love my brother, and he always was that--my brother. Not my foster brother. Not my adopted brother (and he wasn't, really). Unless it was somehow relevant, I never mentioned that he was not my bio bro. And it was the same for my parents; they called him their son. But he needed more from them, which they should have been capable of providing. If I were ever able to convince DH that we should adopt or foster a third, I would always keep that knowledge well in mind.

[Nooknookmom]

Whoa, DH & I were just discussing this off the cuff today. How can I make this loooong story short, well basically my friend baby-sits for a little 2 yo boy that comes from a "messed" up family. Really messed up, his mom is doped out (shooting whatever) and on the fly. He has two sisters (4 & 12) two different dads and his sperm doner won't accept him, even though he and the 4yo sister are both his. I've been around him from the time he was 6 months and always told my GF (half-joking) that I want to take him home. The little man's grandma has custody of these kids and his aunt also *watches* him, while having raging parties . Grandma's house was the party house back in the day and hence the two screwed up daughters. This lady has her hands full and I sense that she is tiring out caring for 3 kids. Also, I see a family pattern about to repeat itself.

Fast forward to today, I had my GF over and she brought little man. I'm always talking about him and this was the first time DH saw him. Later after they went home, DH says, "man I'd take him in a minute, too bad they won't adopt him out". I almost fell on the floor, cause I would entertain the thought.

It's never been suggested BUT it got me to thinking about the inter-mixing of bio-children and adopted children.

Do you put a strain on your relationship with your bio-kids? Does the addition take away from what you are able to offer your bio-kids, living on a certain budget and adding a 3rd would split up the portions into smaller pieces. Jealousy issues?

It really started spinning my wheels and especially if the bio-family of the adoptee wanted to stay in the picture. Can it be done delicately without interfering with how the new parents would raise that child?

Too many unknowns!

[KpbS]

Thanks for your responses, ladies. Anyone else?

[sunshine873]

My neighbors have two sons 11 & 13, I think. They just adopted a 3 yo little girl. They all went to China together to pick-her-up/finalize the adoption, etc. I understand it's all new, but it's obvious that everyone is thrilled about their new addition (boys included.) I think it's important to involve the other kids in the decision (to the point that it's age appropriate, of course.)

[JBaxter]

No me but our pastor and his wife just adopted DS5... They have a bio daughter who is 21 and 4 adopted children 13, 10, 6 and newborn. She able to be with the birth mother when she delivered. They are caucasian, 2 sons were born in Korea and dd and ds were US born and are of african/american decent.

[KrystalS]

When I was 15 and my sister was 10 my mom took in twin girls. Long story but they were distant relatives and were going to end up separated and in foster care because their bio mom tested positive for drugs when she delivered them. My great grandma actually begged my mom to take them because the family didn't want them to end up in foster care and DHS wouldn't allow an immediate family member to take them due to conflicts.
Anyway, my mom took them home straight from the hospital, we all obviously became very attached and my mom ended up deciding regardless of what happened with the bio-mom she wanted to keep them. The bio-mom ended up relinquishing her rights and my mom adopted them.

They found out they were adopted when they were 10, through a cousin, it was very traumatic. My mom intended to tell them when they were teenagers because it was so complicated and not the "normal" adoption process since it was through family. Their bio-mom ended up moving away from the area not long after their birth and we've never seen her since.

I love my sisters, never thought of them as "adopted siblings", but I will say as my sister got older she went through major jealousy. She would never admit it but it was obvious she felt my sisters were the "babies" of the family and got all the attention. I know this typically happens with middle children, and my sister is the exact definition of a middle child. She totally rebelled and her life is a mess now.

Anyway I'm getting off track but what I wanted to say is that my twin sisters personalities are totally different from me and my sister. Even though they have never met their biological parents, genetics totally plays a role. My mom really has her work cut out for her now that they are pre-teens. I can only imagine them in a few years! All teenagers are a challenge, I think its just an adjustment when you raise 2 children through the teenage years and then have to completely change your parenting style.

Probably not exactly what you were looking for but I just wanted to give some perspective as a sibling of adopted children.

[wellyes]

I have a cousin with 3 kids ages 9, 7 and 5. The oldest is special needs. They've decided to adopt another baby - because they have huge hearts and feel like since they're lucky enough to be able to afford it, they should at least try to bring in another child. The first child who they almost able to take on was a newborn with incredibly serious health problems including malformed intestines. It fell through - they have not said why - I'm not going to ask unless they offer ( I do not know if the child is still alive). They're still waiting for another option. I admire their strength. I honestly don't know if I'd be able to take on that level of potential heartache. Part of me is scared by their experience, part of me is inspired by them.

I also know one adult woman who was adopted - she is Korean, the family is white and has 2 bio children - there were very serious abuse issues in that case. But that's 20 years ago, surely (hopefully) there are better safeguards now.

[lalasmama]

For a different view on things, I am the adoptee and an adoptive mom My mom had my brother, was told that she would likely lose her life if she had another one, so they adopted me as an infant.

My family--the one I grew up with-- always tells me I am just like my mom. I have her love for kids, her stubborn streak, her dislike of daily meal cooking, her generally optimistic personality, her grudge-holding ability. We even look alike. My auntie has been asked several times if I am her daughter, as she and I look even more alike than my mom and I, and La looks just like my aunt as well.

My other family--the birth family that I will be meeting in 2 months--tells me I am just like them. I've seen pictures; there's no doubt its my biological family. My best friend saw a picture of my birthmother, and thought it was me. We're talk-first-think-later; the more excited we get, the louder we are; we're cat people; we're competitive; we love the outdoors and find it soothing to be surrounded by nature.

Our adoption story was definately "made in Heaven". Things turned out exactly how they were supposed to. As I see it, God accidently paired the wrong baby with the wrong mom, so my mom had to adopt me so that the right baby would be with the right mom.

Now, with the situation with La, it's not so easy. I am her paternal auntie. Her mother couldn't/wouldn't care for her, so I got her. And, as odd as it sounds, considering she was 3 when I became her mom, I think it went exactly how God meant for it to go. Sometimes some moms just can't do what needs to be done for a particular child and so God steps into it and looks for the correct mom/kid pair.

People are shocked to find out that I didn't birthe Lala. She's so like me. She's so like my families (both my family and my birthfamily). It was how it was supposed to be. She is my child.

Here's the adoptees thoughts:

--Nature v nuture is a battle for any family, not just one with non-bio family members. Different kids, biological or not, need parenting tailored to thier strengths and weaknesses.

--An adoption is never going to go well, is never going to be right, of its thought of as "Susie, our adopted child". My brother actually gets offended if someone mentions my adoption, because its usually done to qualify/quantify something. "Oh, that's your adopted sister?" Like it makes any freaking difference if he and I came out of the same uterus or not.

--Adoption is no different from birthing a child, other than that rush to the hospital and maybe a few extra visitors. If a family/couple goes in thinking it is different, I don't think its going to be as "successful" as it could be.

[Pepper]

Um, I'm not sure what you're looking for here...are you thinking about becoming an adoptive family? I'm an adoptive mom of 2 (both from Korea), and I know quite a few families with one or more bio kids who adopted subsequently, as well as families who adopted kid #1 or 2 and then had bio kids. Sometimes the kids are from the same country, sometimes not - governments have a way of changing with the winds. Personally, I think we all manage to figure out how to make thigns work with the particular family situation that we find ourselves in