explosive anger in 14 month old

[lmh2402]

DS is 14 months tomorrow

he is a very animated little guy. he is often extremely cheerful and pleasant, but he seems to have a very low threshold for frustration and his mood will shift in a moments notice

as an example of what i mean:

this morning as i was leaving for work, he had toddled over to his FP laugh & learn home and was playing with the clock

he had previously figured out that spinning the hands of the clock past a certain point on the dial will make the clock bong and then play music

for some reason, this morning he couldn't seem to get it turn. not sure why, but he tried it twice and then totally lost it. his frustration seemed to totally overwhelm him and he threw his body on the floor and was screaming and kicking like he was being killed. and then he pulled up to sitting and looked for ways to "lash out." his closest target was the dog and he began hitting him in the head and then grabbed his fur and yanked as hard he could (DS's body was visibly shaking with the effort of his yank)

poor dog screamed and ran into another room and DS then turned on my mom who was running over to get him off the dog

this kind of "tantrum" is not uncommon these days. i recognize that he is at an age where his mind is ahead of his body - his hands may not be as nimble as he wants, he doesn't speak/can't communicate, his walking is still tenuous

but his level of anger is really so shocking. and it is so swift. he seems to have no patience whatsoever.

AND making the anger seem more frightening is that he will intentionally seek a physical outlet that will "hurt" a living thing. he is not content punching the floor or kicking a pillow. he will go after one of his caretakers or the dog and "attack" with hits, punches, kicks, bites, etc.

DH called me at work to ask if there was "someone we could hire to help us help DS sooner rather than later." similar to another thread started this morning, we are very afraid that we are going to have a child that no one wants to be around b/c of his temper and our inability to help him control it

i honestly don't know the answer to DH's question. is this just a phase? is there anything we should be doing to specifically work on patience and "anger management" (is this even possible at his age?)

any specific books you would suggest?

thanks

[arivecchi]

Did you have your EI eval?

[lmh2402]

YES! and the said he didn't qualify for anything

i pressed them to do a sensory checklist thing and they said the only thing that came up as "borderline significant" was his flipping out with diaper changes and any attempts to wipe his hands/face

they said to "keep an eye on it"

they even observed him eating (and gagging) and told me that this was "normal" b/c i was attempting to feed him mixed-texture food. (however, they did not address the fact that he used to eat the exact same mixed-texture meal two months ago...without any issues or gagging)

anyway, i digress. clearly, i was/am a little frustrated and uncertain of whether i feel satisfied with the eval.

but yes, we had it completed and according to them, he is totally age appropriate except for being mild- to moderately-delayed with language b/c he has zero words. he mostly makes only two sounds over and over for everything - vroom/boom and oof (like a dog bark)

[Katigre]

Here is where I would start:

1. Read Out of Sync Child
2. Implement a 'sensory diet' in the home for him - this will help with his emotional regulation abilities (though at age 14 months his resources will be very limited, you'll have to do the lions share of coaching and helping him navigate)
3. Practice reflecting feelings and giving him words to express what he is feeling, and be very hands on with him.

When he flips out and needs a physical outlet, direct him to sensory activities instead - I'd go with water play, digging holes in the backyard, carrying heavy boxes, etc... He is craving sensory regulation and hitting is his immature way of accomplishing that. Give him better tools and use them regularly.

[lmh2402]

2. Implement a 'sensory diet' in the home for him - this will help with his emotional regulation abilities (though at age 14 months his resources will be very limited, you'll have to do the lions share of coaching and helping him navigate)

what does this mean (sorry to be dense)

i've tried giving him pillows to punch, etc

he's too little to carry boxes. it's still hit or miss if he can even walk down the hallway carrying only himself without falling. and we live in an apt - it takes time (too long in the midst of a tantrum) to get downstairs, outside and then to actually find dirt to dig, etc

i'm sorry if it seems like i'm shooting down suggestions - i'm just really anxious to get ideas that i can implement now to try and help all of us

any sensory suggestions for apartment living with a just-beginning-to-walk LO?

thank you so much

[tiapam]

I think his reaction does sound extreme and I have a very high tolerance for children's behavior, as I see normal as a very wide range. Lately I have been reminding myself that everything DC do is developmental and it is part of becoming themselves, if that makes sense.

I would not normally suggest that someone encourage their 14 mo old to watch TV, but you might want to consider using Baby Signing Time DVDs. Learning to sign can help kids who are frustrated by giving them a way to communicate before they can talk. And I believe it also promotes talking. This is just a small suggestion for something *you* can do right now that might eventually help a little. I don't have experience with EI, etc, but I do think that the evaluation as you described here and in other posts, did not go very well. I would demand another or pay for a private eval.

Good luck and hugs. FWIW, I think a lot of people nowadays have pretty high expectations of children's behavior. We seem to forget that they are individuals and want them all to be on the same schedule.

[srhs]

...
I would not normally suggest that someone encourage their 14 mo old to watch TV, but you might want to consider using Baby Signing Time DVDs. Learning to sign can help kids who are frustrated by giving them a way to communicate before they can talk. And I believe it also promotes talking. ...

Oh, we have these on recommendation of BBB mamas, and I highly recommend! DS1 is very verbal, and I think signing was big part of that. Plus, I think signing in and of itself being a PHYSICAL communication can't be understated. Plus, the songs are fun. When DS1 needed to CHILL, I didn't feel one bit guilty putting these in.

[Cuckoomamma]

I don't know his/your history, so forgive me if I'm completely off the mark. Katigre had some great suggestions. On a more simple level, you could read Your Spirited Child, and How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, etc. for some general coping mechanisms for both you and your little guy.

Being non-verbal is incredibly frustrating for him (and as a result, you too!). We found that voicing their feelings for them was really helpful in moving through the mood.

For us, food allergies were key. Our oldest went through about 9 months of awful tantrums before we figured it out. Our youngest has thrown fits since she was an infant whenever she eats something she's allergic to. I had lots of people telling me that dd1 needed to learn about limits and emotions, blah blah blah. I knew something was up because she was clearly in distress. We pulled the allergens and it was/is like magic. Recently I gave her something because I felt bad that so many things are off limits. Two days later she was screaming at the top of her lungs and dh turned to me and said, "did you give her something?" Sobbing myself, I admitted I'd given her something. It's that clear cut for us.

Is this Your Child by Doris Rapp has pictures of kids before and after they've eaten an allergen. It's very moving. I didn't love the rest of the book, have read better ones on allergies, but the stories are moving. This may not apply to your case, but anytime I hear of a child who has their parents truly going out of their mind wondering what's going on, I think allergies.

Good luck!

[lmh2402]

thanks, guys

we have the ST DVDs and i started watching them a little bit with him the other day

PLUS we've been working on signing one-on-one since he was 6 months. but he doesn't seem to want to use the signs. i know he knows them b/c once in a while i can get him to give me a "more" and just this weekend he was signing milk like crazy

but he has never been willing to sign at "appropriate" times - like if he is eating and he wants a drink, he will just start screaming and reaching toward his cup if he can't reach it. i'll ask him, "do you want a drink?" and show him the sign for drink, but he will just scream until he has the cup. same for if he wants more food. i am pretty sure he knows "more" and "yes," but if i ask if he wants more, he will just scream.

Cuckoomamma, i actually just took him to the allergist last week to rule that out - he tested negative for all the common food allergies (and dog...allergist figured he would test since we have one)

not sure if i should go back and ask for more extensive testing

blah...i'm just so frustrated for him. and by him. it is so NOT COOL the whole seeking to inflict pain

[twowhat?]

I don't really have any insight to offer, but have you considered video-taping these episodes to show to your pediatrician? Make notes of how often they occur, how long they last, what interventions you have tried, and try to catch it on camera. EI only sees what they see when they are there, but it might make more of an impression to them to be able to see his behavior during otherwise normal days.

For now, I guess my only suggestion is to offer pillows for him to beat up on when he is frustrated. Tell him that you know how hard it is to not be able to do what he wants to do, and that if he is mad he can hit the pillows.

eta: sorry, I see that you've already tried pillows - how about buying him a large stuffed animal specifically for him to take his anger out on? Involve him in choosing one, and explain to him what he will use it for. And then offer it consistently when he goes berserk. Good luck, that would completely drive me insane too