DD will be 5yo next month. She has a vibrant personality - outgoing, smiles easily, laughs easily, generally gets along with everybody she meets. Everybody is her friend.

Along with those positive traits, she also tends to be a follower, particularly in terms of play - if other kids climb, she climbs. If other kids are up to no good, she's right in the thick of it. Having said that, her preschool teacher told me she likes to "mother" the other kids - telling them not to do X, or how to do Y. Not in a bossy way, just in an instructive sort of way.

In terms of play, DD probably tends to the more physical, rough-and-tumble style of play. She likes to run, push, wrestle, etc. Generally speaking, she is a good judge about what kids she can engage in this type of play with. She is also usually not the instigator - meaning, she wouldn't begin this type of play unless the other child (or children) pushed/shoved/whatever, first. Typically, it is not angry type play, just physical. She is very good about stopping when she is told to, and seems to be aware of the reactions of others to this type of play (likely from the preschool - they were great about teaching just that - "DD, look at other-girl's face - does she look happy or sad??"). Despite all of that, that type of play is just not acceptable in certain environments.

For example, this week, DD is attending a half-day day camp (3 hours total - playtime/crafts and a swimming lesson). All was going well, until today. When I picked up DD, the young girl (teenaged - maybe 16??) who is one of the counselors, pulled me aside and said DD had been fighting. I was very concerned and asked about the fighting. The counselor said it was pushing/shoving, kicking, and shouting. She said DD was involved in this with 2 or 3 other kids. I asked if DD was the instigator, and the counselor said they all were, at some point. She said it was going on throughout the afternoon. The counselor said that they (her and the other counselor) spoke to the group about fighting, and told them they needed to behave for everyone to enjoy the camp. She then told me that if it continues, DD (and the others involved) would be sent home and not allowed to return. I told her I would speak to DD about it and would try to find out why DD was fighting. The counselor thanked me but reminded me that it was not acceptable and that DD would be sent home if it continued.

I spoke to DD about the fighting, but, as predicted, she didn't consider it fighting, just playing. DD said that she hit the other kids because they hit her. I don't doubt for one minute that this might be true, *or* that she might have later instigated similar behavior. I explained what the counselor said about her being sent home, and DD seemed to understand that. She then said, in an exasperated tone, "well, what if they hit me first??". I told her she should go and tell the counselor, right away. She didn't seem to buy that. I told her to just stay away from the kids she had been fighting with, and play with some other kids.

For the next 2 days of the camp, although I will be picking up DD, my parents will be dropping her off. I would have liked to be able to tell the counselor first-hand that I have spoken to DD about the fighting, and to ask the counselor to try to keep the fighters away from each other (not sure what kind of training these counselors have had, but I'm guessing it is minimal, and not all teenagers have experience with young children).

Is there anything else anyone can suggest? I realize this is no quick fix, but I am looking for something to tell DD to make her understand that she can't play roughly in this type of situation. She seems to really enjoy the camp, and I would hate for her to miss out on the last few days.

Any longer term suggestions (books etc) anyone can offer are also welcome.

TIA - sorry it got so long!