Update in OP- does this sound better? -Does this sound critical or defensive?

[gatorsmom]

Ok, I've calmed down considerably. I sent this email. Is it better? I really hope so. Hope I wasn't too impetuous:

Carol,
Yesterday and today's VBS have been fantastic successes with my kids. They came home talking about God and discussing what they learned and as a parent I can't tell you how wonderful that is to hear. So, thank you for all your efforts in making that happen.

I can't imagine how much you have on your plate. So, I'm sure that me attacking you relentlessly in the hallway was not exactly what you needed today. I just feel so strongly about making sure our kids are kept safe. AND I worry about opening up the school to liabilities. Even today I was talking to a mom who said her friend's daughter went to VBS at St. James church and when the mother arrived to pick up the daughter the volunteer in charge said she let her go because the daughter claimed her mom was there. Her mom WASN"T there and the mother drove up to find her daughter wondering around in the parking lot. Not something any parent would ever want to happen.

I created a sign-in/sign-out sheet that is very similar to the one used at Pine Hills Nature center for their summmer camps. I believe that the sign-in/sign-out initialling is all that is necessary to relieve Pine Hills of it's responsibilities as far as the children are concerned. Once the parent/approved guardian initials, it's out of Pine Hill's hands. Each of the group leaders had a clip board and a pen and it's quick enough to have the parent simply initial quick before leaving.

I'm attaching the sheets. I would be willing to print these out and bring them to the school and I'd even be willing to donate the clipboards and pens. I have a babysitter lined up for tomorrow (she arrives at 8am) and would be willing to come in and help with the sign up process if you need.

You had said that it's hard to keep the kids in one place during sign-in. I can certainly understand that. Maybe in the future, you could have one parent standing at the entrance with a list of names and the color of the table banner they need to go to. Then you could have the kids find their table, and parents sign in at that table while the kids sit at the tables and keep busy with coloring/crafts. You could even keep the kids at their tables while Justin walks around the tables doing his speech. If you use the lunch tables, the kids may more willingly stay sitting since they are used to this from lunch time at St. Andrew's (well, at least the St. Andrew's students will feel used to sitting at the tables). It's just a thought. I know you said that it's suppose to minic the church's pew setting but since the VBS isn't actually at the church, one of the benefits of not being at the church is you can set up the seating any way you want! I imagine that Jake (the other one in charge) would keep the attention of young children better if he' walking around while speaking anyway. Again, just trying to be helpful.

But as for security, I think it's a very important issue. Keeping our kids safe should be a #1 priority. Knowing now that you need more hands to help, I'd gladly help with this matter. Please let me know what I can do.

Lisa
---------------------------------




I'm angry right now and am having a hard time being objective. I am angry with the director of our vacation bible school. You can probably figure out what happened from my email below. i haven't sent it yet- I really need your opinions. I like this lady, most of the time and I want my relationship with her to be an amicable one. I'm very emotionaly charged right now so if my this is unclear in any way, please let me know. Please tell me what you think about this before I send it:

Dear Carol,
I don't mean to be confrontational or cause any problems. But I felt conflicted today after talking to you this morning. When a mom comes to you and expresses concerns about how a program is run and offers some suggestions to help, I think the best thing to do is simply say, "I understand your concerns and we'll try those for next year's program." By answering this way, you validate my concerns and make me feel heard, even if you have no intention of trying any of my suggestions. Honestly, pushing back, telling me that it cant' be done or poo-poohing me only makes me feel defensive. And it makes me feel like maybe I need to take my children somewhere where my concerns WILL be heard.

Our family is invested emotionally and financially in St. Andrew's. We want the church and the school to flourish for our family and other families. But we do have a choice where we take our children. So please don't take my email as a criticism but instead as some advice from a mom who happened to "smooth" problems over as a profession in a Fortune 500 company.

I'm sure you are stretched thin considering all the things you have on your plate. And trust me, I"ve been in charge of programs where all the loose strings fell to me to tie up. Often times, it's hard and thankless being in charge. So I can see how my approach came off as an unappreciated criticism of all you've done. It's wasn't meant that way. I was simply reacting to the feelings of my boys. Not unlike other concerned mothers, I simply needed to be heard.

The boys LOVED VBS yesterday and had a great time. Thanks for hearing me out.

[WolfpackMom]

Yes, Im afraid it does. I would take some time to cool down and then come back to it. I would maybe start the note with the part about her being stretched thin and how much your boys enjoyed VBS and then mnove to the issue part. I would not even say anything about "not trying to be confrontational" because that will probably right away put the idea in her head that you are indeed being confrontational.

Try to take a moment to relax, Im sure thats difficult with 4 kids around, and then come back when you are calm and collected. Woo-sah

[almostmom]

I can see that you are definitely upset, so I would wait a bit before you send anything.

I think it comes off too strong. I don't know what the issue is about, obviously. But a couple of things leap out at me. You are basically asking her to lie. Asking her to say she'll try something even if she knows she won't. I don't think it is your place to advise her on her job, but if you want to, I'd suggest she say, I'll look into the feasibility of that, instead of, we'll try that next year. Many people think it's worse to mislead someone.

Also, it comes off as a bit threatening, with the lines about how you can choose where to go. You say you are invested financially, but you could choose to go anywhere, which to me sounds like you're saying if her attitude or managerial style doesn't change, then you will put your money elsewhere. And I just don't think you can change those aspects of someone!

I don't know - it just didn't flow right to me. And it sounds patronizing. I would start it out with the "Our family is invested emotionally and financially in St. Andrew's. We want the church and the school to flourish for our family and other families" line, letting her know that you've had great experiences there. Then let her know you are upset and why. And maybe ask if she might be available to talk more about this? Because with this email, you aren't going to resolve anything, just up the tension, in my opinion. And momentarily release some of your anger.

It's hard without all the details, hard to imagine what could make you so mad when it seems you were just making a suggestion. But I do believe your anger is legitimate.

Sorry to be critical, but just wanted to give you an honest opinion!

[ThreeofUs]

Lisa, you sound very nicely but sincerely p1ssed off. FWIW, it sounds like you have reason; I would probably sound the same way. And maybe she needs to hear that, bc it does sound like she acted inappropriately.

But maybe she's just having a bad day, too.

So maybe you could take yourself offline for 24 hours and then talk to her in person. You know, something lighter.

Sorry you had to go thru this!

[sste]

I agree with sitting on this for a week.

Do you feel comfortable sharing the specific problem or a general outline? I am wondering if there is a solution to it or if you could team up with some other parents to try to address it.

I say this as someone who lost my temper once at my DS's daycare (on a different scale than your letter) . . . and I have really lived to regret it. There is alot to be said for extreme choosiness in one's battles with schools/camps/daycares and - - if it is not an issue of very high importance - -accepting the good with the mediocre in any program.

[JustMe]

I know how you feel. Dd went to preschool at a place that was very sensitive, and I had to walk on eggshells there. I do agree with the pps that I would want to change some things. Unfortunately, I don;t have time to give you specific substitions, which I am sure would be helpful right now...I think the first paragraph is probably the most problematic, and I might think about taking that out completely...and replacing it with the last paragraph. One of the main problems i see with the first paragraph is that you are telling her what she should do, which I think many take offense to.

[infocrazy]

Dear Carol,

The boys LOVED VBS yesterday and had a great time, but I felt conflicted after talking to you this morning. I'm sure you are stretched thin considering all the things you have on your plate. Often times, it's hard and thankless being in charge, so I can see how my approach came off as an unappreciated criticism of all you've done. It wasn't meant that way. I was simply reacting to the feelings of my boys. Not unlike other concerned mothers, I simply needed to be heard and I didn't feel that you were at all interested in listening.

[Your suggestions/concerns and how they CAN be addressed next year]

Our family is invested emotionally and financially in St. Andrew's. We want the church and the school to flourish for our family and other families. Thanks for hearing me out.

[gatorsmom]

thank you so much, all three of you!!! I really appreciate your honesty. I am not going to send the email right now. I might be seeing this woman in the next 2 hours when I have to pick up the boys from VBS so I'm really glad I asked your opinions before I sent this. I'll think about it some more and maybe I'll rewrite it and send it tomorrow if I do anything at all. I really dont' want to hurt her feelings or come off threatening or negative at all. So, your advice is MUCH APPRECIATED!

[fivi2]

I don't know. Personally, if I had a legitimate complaint, this wouldn't be nearly strongly worded enough. and if I didn't have a complaint, I wouldn't be writing. Without knowing more details, it is hard to tell what *I* would do. I do think it is a little unclear as to what you want from her. I probably wouldn't tell someone that what I wanted was for them to pat me on the head and patronize me, which, tbh, kind of sounds like what you are asking to happen.

So, I would sit on it, decide what my exact issues are, and write a clear letter detailing my complaint. Or I would let it go.

Good luck!

[LMPC]

I really like the edits infocrazy has made! I think it gets the point across and keeps dialogue open for this issue to get resolved rather than polarizing you even more.

Hope things get better!