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  1. #1
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    Default Best friend's dumb comments - what would you do?

    My husband and I tried to conceive for about a year before we succeeded. In the course of that year, I had only two periods. I also had several other issues - bursting cysts, unusual hair growth, etc. - that led to the diagnosis of PCOS. To manage it, I went on a low-carb diet, began exercising and started working with a fertility specialist in order to start Clomid.

    Imagine how THRILLED we were when the specialist called to say we didn't need his services, because we were pregnant! To achieve it at all, let alone within a year and without medication, was a huge blessing.

    However, PCOS is a condition I know I'll have to manage from now on. it's not the worst thing anyone ever had, but unmanaged, it can lead to diabetes, uterine cancer, and more.

    My best friend, who's been privy to the whole saga and is a NURSE, for crying out loud, keeps saying the most obnoxious things to me. Things like "Do you think it was because you finally relaxed?" "See? I TOLD you there was nothing wrong with you!" and "It's just so funny to me that you thought you were infertile."

    I let these comments pass in the first few months of my pregnancy, because I figured she was just excited and didn't realize what she was saying. But she isn't letting up. It's almost like she's trying to force me to admit it was all in my head. Instead of, you know, my ovaries.

    But it really bothers me and I want to say something to her to make it stop. What should I say? Explain how conception works? How PCOS prevents it? How it's not "all gone" just because I'm pregnant? I wish I'd addressed it sooner, because it feels weird to have this conversation 7 months later.
    Beaming mom to DS born 10/20/2010.
    The Force is strong with this one.

  2. #2
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    People that haven't experienced infertility can be so incredibly crass with their comments. I understand that the process/issue is not well understood but you are right, as your close friend and nurse she should be getting it.

    I would def pull her aside and say something like "I know you mean well but your comments are really hurtful. Infertility is just as much a disease as cancer and just becasue I'm now pregnant doesn't mean I'm over the issues that have haunted me. Perhaps we should not discuss that part of my life."

    Good luck.

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by resipsaloquitur View Post

    I would def pull her aside and say something like "I know you mean well but your comments are really hurtful. Infertility is just as much a disease as cancer and just becasue I'm now pregnant doesn't mean I'm over the issues that have haunted me. Perhaps we should not discuss that part of my life."

    Good luck.
    Just straight out tell her that your diagnoses hasn't changed, and you will have to manage your condition for a long time to come and her comments are not welcome.
    Mommy to my wonderful, HEALTHY twin girls
    6/08 - Preemies no more!

  4. #4
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    Ho rude of her While nurses know some medical things, they certainly don't know everything about all subjects, and it is very possible that she doesn't have a clue. If it were me, I would explain what PCOS is, how it keeps you from getting pregnant, and just like you said, that just because you are pregnant now doesn't mean that it's all over with for the rest of your life.

    If that conversation doesn't end her comments, I would say something tactful to let her know her comments are rude and hurtful, and that you no longer wish to discuss it. I'm not good with words in situations like this, so hopefully someone else here can chime in with some suggestions.
    Mama to "The Fantastic Four":
    DS 02
    DD 06
    DS 09
    DD 12

  5. #5
    hellokitty is offline Pink Diamond level (15,000+ posts)
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    I agree, I'd be blunt with her, if she is your BF, then you should be able to be honest with her and she should care about your feelings. I'd also send her some PCOS links and encourage her to educate herself. As a nurse myself, I know about PCOS, b/c I read up on it myself while going through infertility (I was diagnosed with it, but then my new doctor after we moved disagreed with the diagnosis). Plenty of nurses have no clue what is involved with infertility issues, I dealt with a lot of insensitive comments from other co-workers and I would bet you $ that if I were still working at the same place I was at when I was doing with this issue, that I would have gotten the, "it probably finally happened, b/c you relaxed," issue. Even I after I had multiple m/c's, co-workers kept saying, "that's ok, you can just try again."

    BTW, congrats on your pregnancy.
    Mom to 3 LEGO Maniacs

  6. #6
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    karstmama is offline Sapphire level (2000+ posts)
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    pcos wasn't well understood or covered when i was in nursing school. i don't know how long ago your friend's schooling was, or what field she's working in now, but cut her a bit of slack there - especially if she's not in endocrine or women's health nursing.

    *but* you could certainly suggest she read up on it & get more educated! there's no excuse to continue to say hurtful things. the script above is a good start, but i'd add in 'perhaps you could read this (article or pamphlet that you've picked out) before we talk about this again.'

    then if she still isn't getting it, there's nothing that says you have to continue to share that part of your life, as the script above notes.

    big congrats, and i hope you continue to be as successful at your management!
    mama to j karst, former 25 weeker, 12/06

  7. #7
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    So often I feel the same way about this pregnancy. After six years of infertility and 5 losses (including 2 IVF cycles that worked but ended in m/c), we finally conceived miraculously without help...and of course it just so happened to coincide with a beautiful working vacation we took out to California. I've received a TON of stupid comments about how "relaxing" and going on vacation "did the trick," when in reality, I still have PCOS, am hypothyroid (medicated for both), have an auto immune disorder, blocked tubes (as per my HSG) and endometriosis. I'm a medical mess, and this REALLY IS a complete and utter gift from God. Part of my frustration comes when people try to trivialize the utter unlikelihood of this ever having happened by telling me that relaxing (which I've done MANY a time before--including far better vacations where we never conceived) was the primary agent in this pregnancy. It's laughable, but I guess people like to be "right." Anyways, as a fellow PCOSer, you do have a lifelong road ahead of you, but it's true that with diet, exercise, medication (Metformin) and weight management, the symptoms are managable and pregnancy is possible for many.
    Muffin, 2010
    Bubba, 2013

    "You've probably heard the expression 'I believe in God, just not organized religion.' I don't think people would say that if the church truly lived like we are called to live. The expression would change to 'I can't deny what the church does, but I don't believe in their God.' At least then they'd address their rejection of God rather than use the church as a scapegoat." Francis Chan

  8. #8
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    hillview is offline Blue Diamond level (20,000+ posts)
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    Ouch. That is hard to hear I am SURE. I think I'd just tell her that you appreciate that she is trying to make you feel better/good however given your medical dx that what she is saying is not what your doctors have said or what you believe and that you feel very luck and blessed to be pg.

    HUGS and congrats!
    /hillary
    DS #1 Summer 05
    DS #2 Summer 07

  9. #9
    brittone2 is offline Blue Diamond level (20,000+ posts)
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    Been there!
    I have three kids now. Never thought I'd have one, quite honestly, as I was totally anovulatory for 9 months straight when it all started. Went through infertility treatments and got pregnant with my oldest via IUI and injectables.

    Pregnancies 2 and 3 were from a higher dose of metformin and low carbing. Lots of people think I no longer have PCOS, or that I just "relaxed" and baby #2 and 3 came along. THey just do not get it!

    I hate having PCOS, but I always say the bright spot is that had I gotten pg easily with baby #1, I would have never known what I was dealing with. My original OB/gyn was totally NOT helpful (insisted I didn't have PCOS over and over again), and was very focused on me getting pg, but not much else. PCOS's health implications (as you know!) extend far, far beyond infertility and pregnancy. I'm thankful I at least had the opportunity to connect the dots and help my long term health by getting the diagnosis.

    As a *nurse* you'd think she'd realize that. I would feel free to point out that PCOS has implications you'll be dealing with beyond fertility. So sorry that you are dealing with her ignorant comments.

    Congratulations on your wonderful, wonderful news!!!
    Mama to DS-2004
    DD-2006
    and a new addition-ds born march 2010

  10. #10
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    I think you need to tell her how insensitive she's being. If she's truly a good friend, she'll feel awful once you make her aware, and maybe you'll prevent her from being hurtful to someone else with IF.

    And FWIW, I personally haven't had fertility struggles but would never EVER say or assume what she said to you. I think that's very insensitive and also just flat out unnecessary to bring up, and anyone should know that, whether they've personally been through it or not. It's like she's acting as if you're being neurotic or something for having sought medical treatment for a diagnosed fertility problem!
    Boy (4/03) -- Girl (12/05) -- Boy (11/10)

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