How do you all handle those situations when you kid is doing their thing, and

[Pepper]

you know it's not OK, but the people around you think it's fine?

In general I don't care what anyone (i.e. random strangers) think about me & my parenting, but DS1 has been acting up a lot at drs. appointments lately. Not his appt, but his brother's. (DS2 had an ear infection, turns out he's allergic to penicillins, so whoops we had several unscheduled trips to the pedi this week).

For example, today the nurse came in and told me to take DS2's clothes off. DS1 said "I'm going to take my clothes off too" and started to undress. I told him to stop, and had to be rather emphatic because he wasn't listening to me. We've been working with the parent trainer a lot from his school on control issues, impulse control, he has to follow my directions etc...the bottom line being that no, it wasn't OK for him to take his clothes off too b/c he was trying to make the appt all about him - he was so jealous of his brother. Etc etc.

On this particular occasion no one said anything to me but there have been other times when the med proffesional contradicts me or says "that's OK" when it really isn't. I usually override them...I don't want to get into DS1's full history with them, but sometimes I think it'd be nice to be able to say Back Off! in a succinct, yet respectful, way.

Any thoughts?

[Gena]

I know what you mean, but for us it usually involves family members.

Before DS's diagnosis, certain family members blamed all of his difficulties on our "bad parenting". For example, they believed that DS could talk, but refused to becuase he was being malipulative and if we were stricter with him (ie withheld food) he would speak.

After, diagnosis, the pendulum seemed to swing in the other direction and these family members now think we expect too much from DS and "autistic kids can't do that." For example, if MIL stops by the house, I will prompt DS to greet her. MIL will say, "Oh no, he doesn't have to say hi to me. I don't mind. I know autistic kids don't do that." Or if DS is having trouble following a rule and I am trying to help DS understand and then a family member says, "Oh that's OK; I don't mind. I know its just the autism."

These situations drive me nuts. I will usually tell the person, "Well I do mind. We've been working very hard on [greeting people, following rules, or whatever]. DS needs more practice on this." Then I continue to help my son learn whatever it is I'm teaching him at that moment.

[karstmama]

right. it's not the actual action, it's the motivation behind it. you as parent know where your kiddo's coming from & if you need to correct that thought even if the action isn't heinous.

wow, i've been gone a while - glad to see this section!

[HIU8]

In our situation with DS I have been letting it slide in the moment and then working on it behind the scenes with DS. What I mean is this: DS, for a very long time, simply refused to say hello (acknowledge people) in places like preschool when we were walking down the hall to or from class. I would just say hi for him. BUT with the help of our OT we worked with DS to help him come out of his shell. He now basically says hi to everyone and initiates conversations about 100% of the time (I can thank therapeutic listening for this b/c that is what did it for DS).

[Pepper]

right. it's not the actual action, it's the motivation behind it. you as parent know where your kiddo's coming from & if you need to correct that thought even if the action isn't heinous.

Yes, that's exactly what I was trying to say! I think that would make a good quick reply/explanation when I feel like one is needed.