it's on the kinky side, but i got lots of great tips from gay sites. i figured guys would know, right?
mama to j karst, former 25 weeker, 12/06
There is a great book for women. I needed it because, like the OP, I was a virgin when I married and had no clue what I was doing! I really liked How to Be a Great Lover, by Lou Paget.
http://www.amazon.com/How-Great-Love...0537763&sr=8-1
Beaming mom to DS born 10/20/2010.
The Force is strong with this one.
FWIW, I'm similar...I can orgasm manually or with a toy, but not so easily during intercourse. DH and I had a talk a long time ago about it...and we've just incorporated it into our love making. So I get to start out well revved (and usually one or two orgasms in the bag) before intercourse. DH participates in helping me achieve orgasm...then we move on to intercourse. This has made it possible for me to enjoy intercourse much more...and I even manage mini-orgasms sometimes during intercourse. We both end up feeling much more fulfilled.
I suggest try astroglide lubricant. You said that intercourse used to be painful, and I wonder if even though it no longer hurts, you might be tensing and therefore not relaxing. It was highly recommended in previous posts. You can get at the drugstore or target.
I also agree with the more practice, together and by yourself. And remember that libido/attraction are peaks and troughs...and it's difficult with being tired from kids to be at a peak. You could also see if maybe birth control is affecting your libidio - try swapping to something else and see if that helps anything.