Still sleeping in our bed at 16 mos... please help!

[mamainflorida]

Hi,
I know, I know... we only have ourselves to blame, but I'm hoping someone else here went through a similar situation and came out ok!

Our DD slept well in her crib until about 7 months old. Unfortunately (I think?), we never had the heart or stomach to let her cry it out, so we always let her fall asleep in our arms and then our bed before transferring her to her crib (which, for her first year, was in our room as we were in a small apartment then).

At 7 months, she wanted nothing to do with her crib and we just caved. Our fault, I know.

Fast forward to now: she's 16 months old and more a toddler than a baby, in our opinion. 3 months ago, we bought a house and she finally has her own room, but we are still staying with my parents while renovations are being done, so at my parents' house, she's been in our bed... for the past 3 months.

Last night, I told DH that we really need to get her back in her crib, even if we have to start again with letting her fall asleep in our bed and then transferring her, but I don't know if that's the best option. Is 16 months too late for cry it out? What if we can't do it? What other options do we have? I know a couple whose son slept with them until he was 8 YEARS old and we definitely don't want that to be us. Not even close.

When we do move into our house, we could try to let her fall asleep in our bed, but she's such a light sleeper that she'll definitely wake up if one of us tries to carry her to her room.

Help, please! There must be a solution, right?

Thanks!

[brittone2]

I'm guessing you aren't happy with the cosleeping arrangement?

I only ask because my two older children coslept for about 3 years each, and then transitioned to their own rooms pretty smoothly with minimal upset. That said, if it isn't working for you, it isn't working for you.

I just tossed that out there as there are many people who think if their children cosleep they'll never transition to their own bed/room. There are plenty of babies who sleep in cribs and end up cosleeping with mom and dad later, etc. and I don't think cosleeping or not will predict whether your child is a "good" sleeper for the long haul. Both of my older kids sleep beautifully at night even though they started off life as cosleepers.

Baby #3 is currently cosleeping.

If it isn't working for you, that's a different story.

eta: most kids who cosleep aren't in their parents' beds for 8 years. And there are babies that started off life in the crib who end up waking and coming into mom and dad's room throughout toddlerhood and the preschool years.

[Katigre]

If you're not happy with cosleeping then you can teach her to sleep in her own bed - you don't have to let her CIO alone to do that.

If you want to transition her I would suggest putting the crib in your room at first so you can get her used to falling asleep in there but with you touching her - rub her back, etc... She might fuss but if you are consistent with helping her lay down and stick it out for a few nights she'll likely adjust to falling asleep in the crib. Once she's used to falling asleep in the crib with you there you can gradually move to where you're in the room but not touching her, then just staying in there a few minutes and leaving while she's still awake and she falls asleep on her own. At that point I'd move the crib to her room and start doing her bedtime routine in there - you can sit in her doorway with a book and read if you'd like to help her adjust.

The one thing you'll have to decide is what to do when she wakes up in the middle of the night - will one of you always get up to resettle her in her room, or will you bring her to your room? I think you need to pick one tactic and stick with it (especially if you don't want to cosleep anymore).

FWIW though, we love cosleeping here and it works really well for our family - we all sleep better that way. I don't buy into the value that children must sleep alone when they're little b/c I think there is so much security in having your parents with you in the dark when it's scary - you turn to them for comfort and to keep you feeling safe. I think our openness to it also comes from DH and I being exposed to other countires/cultures where cosleeping is more the norm. We transitioned DS to his own bed when he was 2 and he was in his own room from 2-3 but then we decided to move him back into ours when DD was an infant (he was having recurrent nightmares and it was disrupting all of our sleep to help him when he'd wake up crying in fear) - once we moved him back to our room his nightmares stopped and he slept through the night again, and we've continued ever since. One of his love languages is physical touch and cosleeping helps meet that for him. There is something so peaceful and soothing about putting my kids to bed each night - we cuddle together in bed, they drift off to sleep while I relax and pray for them and reflect on my day. It's the only time all day that I just have to "be" and not "do do do."

I know quite a few families who had their children cosleep with them when young (and not just babies, but toddlers/preschoolers/elementary age too). Their kids are all great teenagers and adults now who are also very close to their parents - cosleeping didn't harm them that I can see, and in fact seems to have helped reinforce their family bond. As they've started their own families, they cosleep with their own kids now so it seems to have been a very positive experience.

[mamainflorida]

Hi,
Thanks for your quick reply. You know what? You're absolutely right! My parents always tell my brother and me how we used to find our way to their bed when we were little, so I tend to forget that it's just part of the deal and have been very focused on not wanting to co-sleep...

I just hear so many opinions from friends that are different from yours, which doesn't mean they're right, and have been focused on those... like, "What? She's sleeping with you? Don't tell me she's sleeping with you! You'll never be able to change that pattern!" etc.

I suppose the issue I have with co-sleeping is that 1)I'm concerned that it could go on for years. We're trying to get pg and what will happen if/when we have another? I suppose we'll deal with that when we have to, but I can't help thinking about it. 2)I feel like we're spoiling her and that will lead to issues later... what kind, don't ask me, it's just echoing what others have warned us about. 3)I haven't slept next to my DH in months and months and months!

Plus I'd love for her to have her own little room, etc, which I know isn't a valid reason, but thought I'd throw it in.

Anyway, so let's say we don't want to co-sleep... are there successful options that anyone can share?

Thanks!

[Roni]

My older girls never liked the crib, so at around that age I took them out of the crib and put them on a mattress on the floor in their own room. That way, I could go in their bed, if necessary, to get them to sleep, rather than the other way around. Fast forward to now, I have a bed in my baby's room, so when she wakes durning the night I lie down with her in that bed. (I'm supposed to put her in her crib after she's done nursing, but it doesn't always work that way.) So, in theory she won't ever expect to be able to sleep in our room.

[Jo..]

THAT IS TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE!!!



Both my kids still sleep in our bed at 2.5 and 4.5, and I have been looking to get them out for years, so I'll be watching this thread.

[Katigre]

Hi,I just hear so many opinions from friends that are different from yours, which doesn't mean they're right, and have been focused on those... like, "What? She's sleeping with you? Don't tell me she's sleeping with you! You'll never be able to change that pattern!" etc.

There is an art to expressing your parenting choices in a way so that people don't offer their advice (and part of that is to not offer things up for discussion - some of our friends know we cosleep, others don't, and I don't usually volunteer it in conversation). If it does come up I say "She sleeps really well that way, it works well for us" (smile, change the subject).

It is 100% NOT TRUE that you can't change the pattern of sleeping if you cosleep for a time. You can and you will when it is right for your family and your child .

I suppose the issue I have with co-sleeping is that 1)I'm concerned that it could go on for years. We're trying to get pg and what will happen if/when we have another? I suppose we'll deal with that when we have to, but I can't help thinking about it.

This was the #1 reason that we moved DS out of our bed when he was 2 years old. As you can see, we moved him back and cosleep with two children now and it worked out fine. We sidecarred a crib so that DS had his own space to sleep, and that expanded the bed space. We also had him sleep at the foot of the bed for a time when DD was younger and it wasn't safe for them to sleep next to each other (now that she's almost 2 it's not a problem and they actually prefer to sleep next to each other - it's so sweet to see them cuddled together at night). Sometimes when we're falling asleep I hear DS whispering to DD and it's really sweet.

2)I feel like we're spoiling her and that will lead to issues later... what kind, don't ask me, it's just echoing what others have warned us about.

Cosleeping is not spoiling - that is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. It is a valid parenting choice that works well for some families and not for others. What exactly would the 'spoiling' be? That she finds comfort from her parents (sounds healthy to me - that's what parents are there for, you want her to look to you for those kinds of things)...that she likes being close and cuddled with you (physical touch is a legitimate need and it is right for it to be met by family members)...that mammals all over the world cosleep with their young (we don't insist that puppies sleep in cribs away from their mother, we don't think it's unnatural to see piglets cuddled up next to the sow to sleep and nurse, why do we think it's pathological for human children to do the same?).

3)I haven't slept next to my DH in months and months and months!

Put DD on the edge of the bed with a safe bed rail or a sidecarred crib so you can sleep next to your DH again - DH and I spoon all the time when we go to sleep b/c the kids are on one side of the bed and we're on the other.

Plus I'd love for her to have her own little room, etc, which I know isn't a valid reason, but thought I'd throw it in.

You can set up her own little room and have her play in there, change her in there, and nap in there.

Anyway, so let's say we don't want to co-sleep... are there successful options that anyone can share?

What I wrote above is how we transitioned DS when he was a bit older than your DD's age. Another option is to move her straight to a big girl bed in her room and lay with her in there to go to sleep. The biggest thing is how to deal with nighttime wake-ups (which will happen during the toddler/preschool years regardless of sleep training or cosleeping as an infant).

[Reina]

I agree with both what Brittone & Katigre have said.
I have no advice for you, just personal tidbits...

I'm of southern european descent - mostly french. We are a very touchy feely people (where ever we are). I slept in my parents bed until elementary school. (not every night) I had my own room, and my own bed. I would climb into bed with them when ever I felt like it. And there was always room for me in their bed... I still love to cuddle with my mom and sleep with my head on her knees when I get the chance. In my whole life, I have never had difficulty falling asleep. Not when I was a kid, not now.

My son is 14 months old and in our bed. Both DH (or so I would like to believe) and I are perfectly fine with him sleeping in our bed. What is sleep training? You get tired, you close your eyes and you sleep. There! You are sleep trained.
Note: This is BY NO MEANS a criticism to those who do CIO or sleep training. Most people don't want their kids in their bed. And a lot of people put milk in their coffee. Same difference to me. I personally do not believe in the long term benefits of sleep training methods for my own baby. So please keep your flame throwers safely encased in their fireproof sheath.

We often get "pressured" by DH's friends. (it's DH who gets pressured by his friends when he tells them junior still sleeps in our bed I just laugh. ) It often goes like this: "you know he'll never learn to go to sleep alone." "he'll be 20 and still sleeping with you if you don't get him out of bed soon!". "are you going to get a bigger bed for when he has a girlfriend?" "will you move to his dorm room when he goes away for school?" or the perennial favorite: "the two of you will never have sex again".
Do I care about the comments? Not the least bit

To me, falling asleep all cuddled up in bliss every night and waking up to a gorgeous smiling face as bright as the sun the next morning is something that cannot be replaced with any other feeling.

[Nooknookmom]

I see nothing at all wrong with co-sleeping. When I could, I slept next to my Mom forever.

We co-slept with DD1 and by default are co-sleeping with DD2. *I* swore I'd not do it again after DD1, (only b/c she was still wanting me to lay down with her in elementary school and I was waking up to switch beds and I was battling medical issues and needed sleep), BUT I found that I really do sleep better when the little one's are next to me!


Is it you or DH that is more ready to kick kiddo back to the crib? Is it itimacy stuff? If so, then get creative!!! I have loads of mommy friends with DC's the same age as my oldest and we all said the same thing, if the kids are sleeping in bed, then find another room to get busy in. Remember dating??? Remember the adventure?? Lololol....

[MommyAllison]

Both of my kids co-slept. DD transitioned just fine, and DS is in the process of a great, gentle transition. When we're ready to start moving them out, I start nursing them (you could do your normal nighttime routine if not nursing at bedtime) to sleep in their own bed, in their own room (they also nap in their own bed). Sometime in the middle of the night, they wandered into our room and finished the night in our bed. When we're ready to end the late night wandering we just take them back to bed each time, and usually rub their back for a few minutes until they are headed back to sleep. After a few nights of that, they don't bother waking up to come into our room and the transition is over.

With DD, she was totally in her own bed all night when DS was born (she was 2.5). DS just turned 2.5 and is still coming in our bed between 1 and 4am most nights, but I haven't really tried getting up and putting him back in his room yet. Partly because I'm tired and partly because I like the snuggles and he is my baby still.