Support Thread for Parents of Picky Eaters

[Indianamom2]

I think our children must have been separated at birth. This is exactly my DC.

I am sensing that there is a huge need for support for those of us moms who are struggling with these issues. I think so often people on the outside looking in think we have done something to make our children this way, or that we don't offer them healthy alternatives, etc.... But it's just so difficult to continue to send your children off to bed every single night of their lives hungry because you have put healthy alternatives in front of them and they refuse to eat.I in no way think I am a bad mother, but when it comes to feeding my children, I feel such a sense of defeat and worthlessness that just can't even be put into words.

I think this is an interesting point. I have come to realize that it isn't anything I've done or not done. I have two children: DD who is very picky and getting worse and Ds who will eat absolutely anything (except maybe oatmeal, but we won't even rule that out in cookie/bar form!). I did the same things with them. I exposed them both to the same sorts/varieties of foods. One turned out fine, one won't eat.

In our case (and I personally think many others) DD has sensory issues, so I truly believe that they come into play. She doesn't care for much meat. Certain textures bother her (smooth, thick, chewy, etc.) It's unbelieveably frustrating and I have no answers except to say that I don't always think it's the parents' fault.

[kdeunc]

This thread is making me feel better. DS2 is so picky it is making me crazy. He would happily eat PB&J (which he does EVERY day for lunch), mac and cheese, pizza and chicken nuggets (but only if they come from McDonalds!). I am at my wits end on what to do to get him to try food. As a toddler he ate everything. He is now 6 and weighs 38 lbs. I feel like people have two opinions, either I am "allowing" his fussiness or I am "mean" for telling him we have one dinner eat or don't eat. It is a no win situation. I picked up a six pack of pediasure last week just so he doesn't waste away. Hopefully I can figure out how to get him to drink it!

[mommylamb]

I feel everyone's pain. DS is a picky eater (at home. At daycare he eats all sorts of things, so I don't tend to worry about whether and how much he eats at home).

How about letting them pick out what's for dinner (alternating between kids) and having whichever kid chose dinner that day help you cook? That way you can try to find ways of making whatever they want a little healthier and engaging them in the process.

[gatorsmom]

I am right there with you. I used to make a nice dinner that I thought would appeal to everyone. Chicken couscous is a great example. It has little bits of chicken breast that I saute, cut into pieces and then stir into the instant couscous that has tiny bits of onion, fresh cilantro, dried cherries and raisins in it. It has a really good flavor. Gator wont' eat it if I marinade the chicken in jerk seasoning first. Cha Cha will eat his usual amount which is about the same as grazing, then 2 hours later ask for a snack (healthy snack at least, but way too soon after dinner), Greenbean will only eat the couscous, Sisi only picks out the raisins. Everyone comes away hungry (except me and DH). And this is on a good night. Most nights 3 our of 4 of them will refuse to eat what I make at all.

And I'm sorry, but I can't send them to bed hungry. Because at the end of the day, I'm tired. I'm EXHAUSTED. And 4 hungry, ornery, wound up kids is just more than i can handle. So, I feed them the healthiest version of what they will eat. Corn dogs. Hotdogs. Grilled cheese. Then we all come away full and in better moods.

I've given up (hanging head in shame).

[egoldber]

I am right there with you. I used to make a nice dinner that I thought would appeal to everyone. Chicken couscous is a great example. It has little bits of chicken breast that I saute, cut into pieces and then stir into the instant couscous that has tiny bits of onion, dried cherries and raisins in it. It has a really good flavor. Gator wont' eat it if I marinade the chicken in jerk seasoning first. Cha Cha will eat his usual amount which is about the same as grazing, then 2 hours later ask for a snack (healthy snack at least, but way to early after dinner), Greenbean will only eat the couscous, Sisi only picks out the raisins. Everyone comes away hungry (except me and DH). And this is on a good night. Most nights 3 our of 4 of them will refuse to eat it at all.

See that's funny to me. My kids would eat those things, but not all together. I can't use any mixes or packaged foods (which I guess is a mixed blessing).

I would have to:

sautee the chicken "plain" (in olive oil and garlic)
chop chicken (reserve some plain for older DD)
mix chicken with sauce (reserve for younger DD)
make plain couscous with chicken broth (reserve plain, both kids will eat this)
mix couscous, onions, fruit and chicken (for me and DH)

This sounds complicated, but seriously, it's just the way I cook now. I make everything separate, reserve things, and then mix it together for me and DH.

So DH and I would eat the "dish" and the kids would eat the components. It works for us and I have long since given up any angst over it. Not worth it.

I have discovered as older DD has gotten older that she is what is a "super taster". I really think she tastes everything much stronger than most. she can detect the subtlest of spices in a dish. It's uncanny really. I joke she has a great career ahead of her as a wine critic. It is also related to her anxiety. She truly has a fight or flight response to many new foods.

The good news is she will now willingly try new foods and occasionally add them to her diet.

[artvandalay]

I also wanted to add that DS was/is a big gagger, and he's even choked a few times on food. He tends to panic if he gets something in his mouth that is too chewy (like for instance bacon that is not crispy but rather chewy) and if popcorn kernels get left behind in his mouth he panics. We don't allow him popcorn anymore.

I sometimes think he has a fear of food - as he might view some food as unsafe because he's had problems with the choking or gagging. I think that is why he tends to like foods that don't involve too much chewing/or dissove easily in the mouth (like cookies, bread crackers, etc.)

He did have his swallowing checked out by a speech therapist and an occupational therapist, but never had a formal swallow study. Both therapists said the swallowing mechanics are ok

[elbenn]

I have often seen the book "Feeding with Love and Good Sense" recommended with regard to picky eaters. Anyone read it?

http://www.amazon.com/Child-Mine-Fee...7451180&sr=1-1

[gatorsmom]

See that's funny to me. My kids would eat those things, but not all together. I can't use any mixes or packaged foods (which I guess is a mixed blessing).

That is the problem for me too. I'd spend the time to create a dish but I'd have to tailor it for each kid who would end up eating just the raisins out of it, or just some of the plain couscous. And nobody would be full and then after all that work, everyone would want me to make something else anyway. Which is why I gave up and just started cooking what they want. When I'm stronger and have more energy to deal with the backlash, Illl slowly start insisting again that they eat what I've made for dinner.

But right now, there is peace in our house, though at the cost of eating more processed foods.

[tarahsolazy]

I have often seen the book "Feeding with Love and Good Sense" recommended with regard to picky eaters. Anyone read it?

http://www.amazon.com/Child-Mine-Fee...7451180&sr=1-1

Yes, I love Ellyn Satter. This is the approach I TRY to follow, and in my good times, I feel good about it.

[daisymommy]

I have often seen the book "Feeding with Love and Good Sense" recommended with regard to picky eaters. Anyone read it?

http://www.amazon.com/Child-Mine-Fee...7451180&sr=1-1

This is the book that everyone with typical children seem to love, but honestly nearly caused failure to thrive in my own DS. Because it perpetuates the idea of "if they are hungry, they will eat." Which is not always true. Not if you have a very strong willed child, and certainly not if you have a child with sensory issues, developmental issues, feeding or swallowing issues, etc. etc. But of course she never says that.

I've told our story many times before, but I'll give it a go once more for the sake of the new comers here.
DS had trouble breastfeeding and never made a go of it. We switched to bottle and formula. Then after many months of the most terrible colic I've ever seen (12 hours a day of screaming crying) we found out he had reflux and a dairy allergy. I had gone to numerous doctors all of whom said it was just colic, it would go away on it's own at 4 months. I knew there was much more to it, and kept plugging away until someone finally listened to me. A specialist finally diagnosed him.
We tried every formula out there on the market, and finally found one (the most expensive one of course, a hypoallergenic formula) that he could tolerate. Along with reflux meds. And finally, things got better.
Until we started solid foods, which he couldn't handle without gagging until he was 8 months old. He stayed on pureed foods until he was over a year old because he would choke on anything else.

Once we finally got onto "real" food, there has always only been about a dozen foods he would/will eat. No matter what.

I read the Ellen Satter book and listened to all the doctors and friends who said "you provide the food, he'll eat it if he is hungry." I put my foot down and said I would not cook anything just for him, like a short order cook. He turned white and pasty pale, dark circles under his eyes, became lethargic, skipped most meals, went to be hungry and holding his stomach crying saying his bones were poking through his skin it hurt so bad he was hungry--but he still wouldn't eat the plate of dinner food I offered.

After one month of this I took him to the doctor and he had lost 5 pounds in one month! The doctor freaked out and asked what was happening, and I told her I was following her advice. She was upset and said obviously that advice didn't work for every child, and sent us to a specialist. She said I had to stop with that idea right away, that DS was not a typical child, and he would become FTT (failure to thrive) if it continued this way.

What ticks me off is my mommy gut knew better, but I was tired of being judged by everyone for what I fed my child. I kept hearing "he'll eat what everyone else eats when he gets good and hungry; stop being a short order cook". Look where that got me.

The specialist worked with DS and we didn't get very far. It just wasn't working. We are trying to find a new feeding therapist.

Until then, we continue feeding him the healthiest version possible of those foods that he will eat (advice from the nutritionist).

So for breakfast, he will eat most carbs, as long as they are plain and dry. Pancakes, waffles, muffins, toast--all dry, no toppings. I make them from whole wheat flour, from scratch.
Lunch is always, everyday, PB&J. Whole wheat bread, organic no sugar added peanut butter, low sugar real fruit jelly--just a tad or he won't eat it.
Chicken nuggets, fish sticks as long as they are crunchy and dry.
And smooth and creamy foods like organic yogurt, applesauce, macaroni and cheese cooked until it's almost mushy. I still give him whole milk because he needs the extra nutrients and fat. He's pretty thin

Sigh. It makes me tired and sad just to rehash it all. But one thing I would say--if you think there is a problem and your child needs help, please look into it. Please don't send your child to bed hungry each night thinking they will give in and eat what you want them to. That's just not healthy or safe, and it certainly won't help with their growth and development.

And it makes me CRAZY when other people say "Oh, have you tried hiding spinach in their eggs? or cutting their sandwich into cute little shapes? you mean they don't eat any fruit or vegetables?" Really people? You don't have a CLUE what I'm going through here if that is what you think. We are sooo far past that it's not even funny.