UPDATE-THE ONCOLOGIST CALLED ME TODAY.-My dad passed away. BBBers, some questions...

[gatorsmom]

This thread has gotten long and so please don't hate me for dragging this on even longer, but I though you would all be interested to know that my dad's oncologist called me out of the blue today. I was planning on calling him next week, after the funeral, but he called me first. He said he saw my dad's obituary in the newpaper today (I put a shorter version one in the paper today) and wondered if he read the name right. He offered his condolences but said he was just shocked and asked what happened. Dad had met with this doctor just before his chemo treatment that morning, then went home and took a nap. That afternoon he woke up, spoke to my brother, had dinner and then went to bed again. He probably passed away 4 or 5 hours after that in his sleep. I asked Dr. B if he wanted to take a guess at what happened. He said he guessed it was something with Dad's heart. He said that it was probably a cardio-pulmonary event whether from an embolism (not sure i'm getting this all correct) . He went on to say that this sort of thing is more common with people fighting pancreatic cancer and some other type of cancer and not so much a risk with Dad's type of cancer (he was saying a lot and I didn't catch all of it). And all chemotherapies increase the patients' risk of blood clots. And a sedentary lifestyle can increase these risks (and Dad, due to arthritis has had a rather sedentary lifestyle for the past 5-10 years). Dr. B asked if I had considered an autopsy. He seemed genuinely intrigued by this case. I decided not to do the autopsy because as some of you have pointed out, there is no guarantee they'd figure out the cause of death and some of you have said you regret having had an autopsy done on your family members in the past. I'm afraid I'd regret it too. Dr. B agreed that in my shoes he would probably not do it either. He again gave his condolences and remarked how he thought my dad was a "great guy" and I reassured him my dad thought the same of him. I let him know how much I appreciated that he never used the words "terminal," "stage 4," or "incurable" with my dad. I'm afraid those words would have taken away all hope from my dad and he wouldn't have become depressed and withdrawn rather than positive and hopeful for the future.

I'm so, so glad Dr. B called me. It gave me some peace. It also made me think that if he was shocked about Dad's death, that this was an extraordinary event. It was almost a gift from God (I'm a devout Catholic just so you know where I"m coming from here. ). Seriously, my dad was terrified of suffering the way he saw his MIL, wife, and older brother suffer from cancer. And he was equally concerned about the probability of becoming dependent on others. He was a modest, private person. I'm sure the idea of me changing his bedpan and giving him sponge baths horrified him. I also know that he really wanted to be in his own bed for as long as possible. So, ultimately, we couldn't have asked for a better way for him to die. This was a gift from God. And I even think, the more I step back from the last 18 months, that the cancer diagnosis was a gift from God. We knew he wouldn't be with us for very long. We knew that we needed to appreciate every moment with him. He never really suffered from the pain. We had 18 months to enjoy him. The cancer gave us a warning that death would be coming. Nothing was left unsaid. Looking back, I think the cancer was a blessing.

Anyway, sorry this is so long, but i wanted to tell you about the doc's conversation with me and also say again how much I appreciated everyone's support.
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Thank you, to everyone, for your wonderful support and advice. It has kept me going. thank you.

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So, as many of you know, I've been talking about my dad's ongoing battle with Stage 4 bladder cancer and how we moved our family closer to be with him. He had been taking chemo and doing very, very well. He was tolerating the chemo so well that the oncologist recommended he stay on it indefinitely. He was able to go to work every morning (he works with my brother) and do the things he enjoyed. And the chemo was working! About 2 weeks ago, he had a bone scan and CT scan which showed that the tumors were shrinking! All of us, him included, were so excited for the near future. He was planning some new things with his business, had a port put in so that he could make the chemo injections easier, he even had a trip planned to go to a casino with his best friends. It was scheduled for tomorrow. And this morning when he didn't turn up for work, my brother found him passed away in his bed. He looked like he passed in his sleep. He was all cozy and snuggled in and the first responders said it looked like he had passed very early this morning.

So, I have many questions I need help answering. First, I don't blame anyone, but clearly something major had to happen for him to die in the middle of the night. He had just seen his doctor yesterday morning and had his usual chemo treatment, followed by an xray to see why his hip was causing him so much pain. According to one of the first responders (who I happen to know very well- she is a family friend), there wasn't any obvious answers to why he died last night. Is it appropriate for me to call his doctor and ask him to speculate on what could have caused this? I feel so cheated since we had so much hope for the near future. I really, really want to know what could have gone so wrong, so suddenly. I could ask for an autopsy but he was 72 and had stage 4 cancer, so clearly he was sick. But considering he sees his doctor every week, it just seems like we should have known better that this could hhappen.

Another question- what should we wear to the wake and funeral? DH doesn't have any suits here and my ILs are flying in from Arizona tomorrow. They don't have any appropriate clothes with them either. Should DH and FIL go out and buy suits? I probably need to buy a black skirt for the funeral, but I do have a black jacket and some nice slacks to wear at the wake. What should the kid wear to the funeral? The boys have nice tan pants that they could wear sweaters with but they are aren't dark colors. Sisi has some a brown jumper/ blouse set with flowers on that. Is that good enough? I'm just not thinking clearly.

And then there is his house. My brother and I took the perishable stuff out of his fridge and took out his trash, and lowered his heat a bit, but what else do we need to do?

And now for the big question- I just found a great nanny to take care of the twins. I offered her the job last Friday to start on March 21st. I don't know if she gave her other job notice (she worked in a daycare). We told her to start in 3 weeks and she was going to give her other job two weeks notice and then spend the third week moving her furniture. However, now that my dad is gone, I don't need a nanny anymore. The whole reason for getting the nanny was so that I could care for my dad when he eventually got too sick to care for himself. DH and I immediately started to give this serious thought. This is someone else's living and we don't want to screw her over. We could keep her working for a few months while I clean out my dad's house. We could even keep her working over the summer. But would that be the best way of handling this? I'm not thinking clearly, obviously, so your opinions are appreciated.

My ILs are coming to help take care of the kids, we are making funeral arrangements tomorrow, moms from the boys' school are bringing meals over, so we have everything covered that way. I think. TIA for your suggestions and help.

[MamaMolly]

First, buckets of hugs. I'm reading your post now...more soon.

Ok, as for the doctor: if it makes you feel better to ask questions, then I say ask. But (this is said with gentle love and a hug) your dad *was* very, very sick. I know it is cold comfort now, but later, with time, I hope you will see that dying peacefully, with a happy heart, plans for the next day, surrounded in love, well I can't think of a better way to go. I know you weren't ready and it feels like he wasn't ready. But he wasn't in misery and that is a gift.

As for the clothing, I think the men could wear dark slacks and button up shirts and a tie if a suit is out of the question/budget. What about one of your dad's ties? That might be nice. I think you'd feel better in a skirt. The kids can wear what they have, a lot of people will want to see them and play with them. IME it isn't necessary for them to wear black.

I don't know what to suggest about the house, so I'll let others answer that one.

As for the nanny, I'd call her immediately and let her make the decision. Explain to her what has happened, and that it changes your plans. You'd love to have her work for you, and can even stretch it out through the summer, but after that you don't think you'd need a nanny. Let her make the decision.

Again, I'm so sorry love.

[Melaine]

I'm so so sorry Lisa. I'm not the one to help with your questions, but we are all sad for your loss.

I wouldn't buy clothes for the kids. I think Khaki pants with sweaters and whatever nice dress you have would be fine for them. I don't think they have to wear black or anything like that.

[brittone2]

Oh Lisa, I'm so sorry to read this

I've had two family members going through chemo suffer strokes during their treatment. Both survived their strokes for a few weeks before eventually passing. I can't speak to your dad's situation, but thought I'd share what we experienced (eta: and there are some studies relating to this, but I have no idea if this was at all a possibility in your dad's situation). I think without an autopsy it would be really difficult to say with any certainty. I'm so very sorry.

[WatchingThemGrow]

So sorry for your loss, Lisa. I have no advice, just lots of hugs for you and your family.

As for the nanny, I'd let her know the situation and tell her you need a week or two to decide what you and your DH will do.

[sste]

Oh my goodness, Lisa, I am so, so sorry. I am glad your dad had a peaceful passing . . . with all of his loved ones living nearby. I know it must have been a shock for you. But, it could have been so, so much worse for your dad and your family. I went to visit someone in at-home hospice who is end-stage this weekend and it was extremely sad, the person was suffering and anxious, his wife was hysterical and cracking under the pressure - - dying can be slow and gross, the adult kids had come home but are stuck in this multi-week waiting for dad to die horror show. I would think of his dying like this as his final gift to you.

I think you are probably in shock right now. For the nanny, just have her start this month and tell her honestly that you aren't in a position to make decisions right now but you can guarantee her two months, possibly more. For the autopsy, think about that today - - I am not sure what it would gain you. My only experience is with my dog who was on a similar treatment and he died very suddenly. I think the chemo can do that . . . it is poison, kwim? Our doctors and nurses should chime in here . . .

Much love to you and your family.

[mommylamb]

Lisa, I am so sorry for your loss.

I think it's totally fair to talk to your father's doctor about why this happened when it did. He might not have answers for you, but I think it's fine to ask.

I think you need to be honest with your nanny ASAP so that she can make the best decision for her. Tell her if she wants it, you'll keep her on for X months, but that you understand if she would rather try to get her old job back. Hopefully she left there without burning bridges and they'll be happy to keep her.

I'm not one for formalities, so I think you and your family should dress in whatever makes you most comfortable for the funeral.

Again, I'm so sorry.

[larig]

OMG, I'm so sorry for your loss. My mother's father passed in his sleep. I think it has always comforted her in someway that it was peaceful--a tiny consolation when one loses a parent, I suppose.

I wouldn't worry a fig about what I or my family wore to a funeral/wake/visitation. Be yourselves, and be comfortable. This is for people to come and tell you how much they loved and cared for your dad and to comfort you. People who are there for that won't care one iota that your kids have bright colored sweaters on, or DH doesn't have a suit, etc. That said, if getting clothes would be a pleasant distraction for you, then DO IT!

Humongous hugs coming your way. You've been a fantastic daughter to him and honor him every day of your life.

[cairo06]

I'm so sorry for you loss. I can't even imagine. I remember when you posted about him doing so well. I would also have lots of questions and need some sort of answer. sending lots of positive thoughts your way.

[MommyofAmaya]

No words, just