Baby Shower question

[firemama]

I have a question about an upcoming baby shower for friends who adopted a newborn boy. Their journey has been long and they are over the moon to have finally completed the process. Their family is throwing a baby shower in a couple weeks.

I keep a stock of cards for b-days, graduations, baby showers and sympathy at home, so I don't always have to run out for cards. I checked my baby shower cards and I only have one left, but am not sure if it is appropriate.

On the front it has a picture of a blue onesie and says, 'He is onesie lucky baby.' On the inside it says 'and you are twosie lucky parents.'

I think it sounds almost perfect, but I have no idea if it would be in any way offensive. Maybe I am over-thinking this. I obviously need more cards for my stash at home so going out to get one is no big deal. Just asking for advice, since I am not very close with them and don't know many people who have adopted. But I have known the father my whole life. TIA!

[Pepper]

I would not be offended by that card, I think it sounds very cute. And I also think you are very kind to be sensitive to your friends' situation.

I DO get offended when a random stranger tells me that my boys were "lucky" to be adopted. But that's a totally different situation.

[LMPC]

I DO get offended when a random stranger tells me that my boys were "lucky" to be adopted. But that's a totally different situation.

Yikes! I can't believe people let that thought come out of their mouths....

I agree with PP that the card sounds cute and sends a nice sentiment that the child is a very wanted child. Congrats to them!!!

[icunurse]

I would not be offended by that card, I think it sounds very cute. And I also think you are very kind to be sensitive to your friends' situation.

I DO get offended when a random stranger tells me that my boys were "lucky" to be adopted. But that's a totally different situation.

Agreed. I tend to dislike when people tell me how "lucky" my kids are or how they were "chosen". But that card doesn't offend me at all. IMO, I take it as they are all lucky to have each other.....which they are

[firemama]

Thank you for all your replies! I do think they are all lucky to have each other. Off to knit a blanket!

Just out of curiosity, what would you rather someone say to you? I may have been guilty of saying this in the past , so what is more appropriate? I really hate to offend people.

[icunurse]

Thank you for all your replies! I do think they are all lucky to have each other. Off to knit a blanket!

Just out of curiosity, what would you rather someone say to you? I may have been guilty of saying this in the past , so what is more appropriate? I really hate to offend people.

Just say the same thing that you would to any new parent. Congrats on your baby, he/she is beautiful, etc. Other than how they arrived, it is all the same once they are there. Adoptive parents are scared, frustrated, elated, tired and all the other emotions that go along with being a new parent. Our children are just as chosen and special as any other, but, for some reason, a fair amount of people like to make it seem like they were hard-luck cases turned good with their comments - it was so wonderful that I "did" adoption; they are so lucky that I picked them (if anything, *I* am lucky that their birthparents chose *me*); thank goodness that they have me (um, actually, their birthparents are quite nice, smart, and caring....just not ready to be a parent right now). You just can't assume that adoption is broken into sinners and saints, if that makes sense. There are lots of ways that a baby comes into a family and this is just one that has a little more background to it

Just the fact that you are asking makes me guess that you have never offended anyone about adoption. Not everyone can know the way it really works and the terminology that goes with it, but a kind heart tries to take the time to learn.

[Pepper]

Just say the same thing that you would to any new parent. Congrats on your baby, he/she is beautiful, etc. Other than how they arrived, it is all the same once they are there. Adoptive parents are scared, frustrated, elated, tired and all the other emotions that go along with being a new parent. Our children are just as chosen and special as any other, but, for some reason, a fair amount of people like to make it seem like they were hard-luck cases turned good with their comments - it was so wonderful that I "did" adoption; they are so lucky that I picked them (if anything, *I* am lucky that their birthparents chose *me*); thank goodness that they have me (um, actually, their birthparents are quite nice, smart, and caring....just not ready to be a parent right now). You just can't assume that adoption is broken into sinners and saints, if that makes sense. There are lots of ways that a baby comes into a family and this is just one that has a little more background to it

Just the fact that you are asking makes me guess that you have never offended anyone about adoption. Not everyone can know the way it really works and the terminology that goes with it, but a kind heart tries to take the time to learn.

I'm pretty sure I said some insensitive things before I became an adoptive parent, too. So please don't worry too much!

To answer your question, short version, I would prefer that someone say something like "isn't it wonderful how everything has worked out for your family" instead of "your child is so lucky that you adopted him."

To answer your question, long version, no one is lucky in adoption. There is a lot of loss on everyone's part - the birthparents lose a child, the adoptee loses a birthfamily and sometimes a birth culture, and the adoptive parents lose whatever dreams and expectations they may have had for a biological child.

In our case, we became an adoptive family because my hubby is a cancer survivor - most people would not say that you are lucky when you get cancer! I used to work in a oral surgery dept and I knew a lot of surgeons and so was plugged into the system that way, and so we checked off the CL/P box on the list of medical conditions that we would accept (which, by the way, is one of the most bizarre experiences of my life to date. How can you say ahead of time what type of "condition" you'd be willing to accept in a child? Bio parents rarely have to do this). And so when a cleft baby happened to come into the system, he was matched with us instead of becoming a waiting child. So it all worked out well, in the end, but was it lucky? I'd still say, no.

The lucky comment also bothers me because, I don't really know what knid of life my children would have had if they'd stayed in their birthfamilies. Probably they have more money than if they'd stayed with their birthfamilies, but no matter what kind of conditions someone grows up in, there is always the potential for greatness. How do I know that I haven't robbed the world of a great leader by transporting my children into upper-middle-class whiteness? That without whatever challenges they *would* have faced, they won't be able to reach their true potential? To me, someone saying that my kids were "lucky" smacks of American-centric, White priviledge.

Whew..off my soapbox now. Sorry to rant, and please know that it was not directed at the OP. I guess i feel strongly about this

[Uno-Mom]

:
In our case, we became an adoptive family because my hubby is a cancer survivor - most people would not say that you are lucky when you get cancer! I used to work in a oral surgery dept and I knew a lot of surgeons and so was plugged into the system that way, and so we checked off the CL/P box on the list of medical conditions that we would accept (which, by the way, is one of the most bizarre experiences of my life to date. How can you say ahead of time what type of "condition" you'd be willing to accept in a child? Bio parents rarely have to do this). And so when a cleft baby happened to come into the system, he was matched with us instead of becoming a waiting child. So it all worked out well, in the end, but was it lucky? I'd still say, no.

:

That's a beautiful story. It really is.

I fully agree about the check-off box thing. DH and I nearly chose "special needs" adoption (I have seriously mixed feelings about that term!) and it struck us that way, too. I understood why it's set up that way, but I felt squeemish.

[Gena]

To answer your question, long version, no one is lucky in adoption. There is a lot of loss on everyone's part - the birthparents lose a child, the adoptee loses a birthfamily and sometimes a birth culture, and the adoptive parents lose whatever dreams and expectations they may have had for a biological child.

As an adult adoptee, I grew up with people telling me how "lucky" I was: extended relatives, teachers, family friends, strangers. My adoptive parents are wonderful and I have a great relationship with them. But it's not about that. Even as a child, I wondered how people could think it was "lucky" that I lost my birth parents, my identity, and my family history.