How do I say this to my dad?

[WatchingThemGrow]

"You need to actually plan to spend some time with my kids." He's retired, lives 6 hours away, and never plans on seeing us. We have only gotten to see him when he comes up to do something with my half-brother, SIL and DN. My stepmother initiates and plans that, and recently she has started flying here on her own to see them. I'm so frustrated that they just don't seem to WANT to see us.

When our extended family was getting together near them for Christmas, he said we couldn't stay with them because 9 people in 3000 sf for 2 nights would be too cramped. He didn't help us get a hotel room, either. When DS2 threw up and we drove back home, we left a message for them to call, but they were so engrossed with HB and SIL that they never called us back to find out what happened to us.

I'm hurt because visits can never be on our calendar so we look forward to seeing them. We only get notification a day in advance than they will have 2 hours to spend with us during naptime or better yet, at a time when we are scheduled to do something like take kids to a birthday party or visit with another family. Trying to decide what to do at that point is hard - dump our friends and our plans or spend time with somewhat inconsiderate grandparents.

I tried emailing kindly and asking him for a heads-up when he will be coming to get SM (she is here now for about a month caring for DN while SIL goes back to work - didn't tell us, didn't plan on seeing us. We live 25 minutes away) but he said she was flying home and he's not coming back until September. I wrote back and said that I must have misunderstood and apologized. September seems far away and DS2 is not going to remember him. (Wrong thing to say, I know.) I asked if we could come there to see them for a weekend in between now and September.

What should I do or say or plan so that my kids can see their grandfather? What perspective should I have about this relationship? Has anyone else had this type of hurtful problem?

[JTsMom]

I'm so sorry you're hurt. How is your relationship with your SM? I wonder if you can get her on board. Is there anything the HB and family do that you don't? For example, they visit them more often, or do something that you don't/can't do when they visit you?

I know my dad is kind of clueless about subtle hints some times, so I'd probably just sit down with him and spell it out really clearly. "Dad, I feel like you don't want to spend time with us b/c of X, Y and Z. It really hurts my feelings, and I know you don't want that, so could we X Y and Z? It would mean a lot to me, and to the kids. Our relationship is so important to me. Is there anything I can do to help with that?"

[WatchingThemGrow]

Relationship with SM is okay, I think. I mean, she said at the baby shower for DN that this was going to be "her" first GC, with my DD standing right there....ummm, okay. She's been my SM since 1975 (since I was 5), but I've often felt like I was in a different (lower) class than her boys. Honestly, I think she's just so excited about the new granddaughter that nothing else matters. I feel like if I brought it up to her right now, when she's in the middle of taking care of DN all day, she would just resent me/the issue. As far as visiting them, we have not been invited or allowed to stay at their house in over 3 years. They renovated the house and the new paint was "too fragile" for us to stay with them. They will not stay with us b/c it is too crowded. We ask to come visit, but get put off, and I'm not sure how often HB and SIL go. They never really hear about it. We feel kinda left out altogether, but then again, SM feels like the 2 boys and my dad are "her family" and that's the baseline. They have been kind and attentive to us as we've had new babies, and have shown us lots of love during those times. There are just times that we go so long between visits it makes me wonder.

As far as what we do and don't do with them, I don't think there is anything. HB's house is slightly bigger and they just have a brand new baby, not 3 active, loud, bouncy preschoolers in a small space. Whenever we are invited to do something with Dad and SM, it's uber-last minute and we end up having a good time anyway.

You know, I think I've actually HAD that conversation with him already, once last year. And here we are again. I guess I could try to find a time things are calm and quiet and give him a call.

[bubbaray]

I am in the same situation with FIL and sMIL (DH's dad and SM). It sucks. DH is pi$$ed at this point, but is too chicken to say anything. I'm not sure where is much for him to say. "You obviously don't want to see the GCs". Where do you go with that, conversation-wise?

You could take the tough love approach and say "If you just show up, we aren't changing our plans for you. Its too hard and the kids get upset. We would love to see you, but you have to plan it with us." We have been doing a version of that. Thing is, they just don't ever plan to see them, unless we force the issue.

In our case (and it sounds like in yours), the issue is SM.

Have you considered therapy and getting a plan/conversation in place that way??

[nfowife]

I would probably write it in a letter. Put a positive spin on it, how much you love him and how much your kids love him and you want him to be an important part of their lives. How it hurts them to feel like second-class grandchildren compared to the other grandkids. Say you feel like you make an effort and there is no reciprocation. How now that you have your own family you see how important it is for kids to grow up with a sense of it and that you need your dad to be there for your kids. End on a loving note, maybe a memory growing up with your dad or grandpa and how you want that for your kids.

I say a note because I tend to get off track in these types of conversations or cry.

[bubbaray]

BIL (DH's brother) did the email/note thing and OMG. Family drama. He, SIL and their 3 kids have not spoken to or seen FIL & sMIL in almost 4 yrs. Its sad for the kids, but they will not budge. DH took FIL to a counsellor to talk about it, invited BIL but he wouldn't go.

I highly recommend NOT the email route unless you are prepared for an extreme response like this.

The ironic thing is, when the ILs see our kids, all they talk about is how they never see BILs kids. They ignore the GCs they do have access to and bitch & moan about their fate. Sucks.

[AngelaS]

I'm sorry. I have the same problem. My dad lives 7 hours away with my SM and they've come to visit me only a handfull of times in the 6 years since I've moved away. The last time I asked them to come, he couldn't because he needed to put in his garden. He also spends 3 months a year in AZ and the rest of the time he and SM are either babysitting the grandkids that live close by or working in the garden.

It just sucks when you are not very high on their priority list. I'm sorry.

[fortato]

Sometimes, even when they are in the same house, they aren't spending time with their grand children. DH's mother was here for both boys birthdays, 2 separate visits- she spent most of her time crocheting a quilt, and when she finished that she worked on her cross stitching. NEVER played with my boys. The only time she was outside with them, was when she had a cigarette.

If he doesn't want to spend time with them, don't push it. It's his loss. Don't force a relationship on someone when the want is one sided.

[KpbS]

I think the SM is your best route. DH's dad's wife is the organizer--esp. planner of their personal calendar (they are not retired yet). It would never occur to FIL to pick up the phone and set up a visit in a million years even though he is fond of his grandchildren. Could you call her (or ask her to call you when she has a break while she is there) to come over and see the kids for just a bit--eg. lunch? Or offer to go and meet her for a quick lunch so the kids can see her? I'd bring it up then. Ask directly," I'd like to plan a time for you guys to come and visit us--how about a week/weekend in August/Sept.?" Give her control over the date and enough advance notice so she doesn't feel like it is too soon. Hope things can improve.

[DebbieJ]

My mom lives 10 mins away and never visits. I finally had to establish some boundaries with her and it has made me WAY happier. I basically don't call her or interact with her when we are at a family gathering together. There is a book called BOUNDARIES that was very helpful in this.

I've come to realize that just because we're flesh and blood, it doesn't make us family.

We are close to another couple from church who already have 5 kids and oodles of grandkids of their own, but they treat us like we're part of the family too. My kids call them grandma and grandpa.