Discouraging DS from demanding to nurse in public

[PGTB]

I am hoping to nurse DS till 18-20 months, but it is becoming increasingly more difficult at this stage with DS becoming more demanding and physically stronger. he loves to nurse and wants it whenever and whereever and pulls on my shirt, grabs my legs demanding to nurse regardless where we may be and how convenient it is and what I am wearing. He refuses to take milk when he is with me even though he used to when he was younger drink a little from straw cup during outings. he also started to chew on my nipples again making me sore, probably teething.

For now, I want to see if anything can be done to avoid having to undress myself in public each time my strong toddler pulls on my shirt wanting to nurse in inconvenient not too private places. The most difficult thing is during our trips in the car or plane when DS is in the car seat and wants to nurse. I have to lean sideways to do this for him in the moving car - painful to do as he would not stop screaming and would not take any milk or water or any replacement. He wants it right then and there and I don't know how to teach him that there are times for nursing and sometimes he needs to wait. I don't want to have to wean just because it is interfering with our ability to go places or because it is embarrassing for me in some situations or so restricting to my ability to have any time to go do things by myself (DS relies on nursing to go to sleep).

there is also negative reactions I am starting to get from my family - my own and the in-laws I see them frowning sometimes when I have to pull my shirt down to nurse the wiggly walking toddler. They aren't somehow into the extended BFing and think it's time to wean. Mainly, DS is a huge PITA for them to babysit as he is so attached to me and they cannot make him go to sleep without lots of crying and a stroller. they also think he misbehaves a lot with me, while he is more of a well behaved little angel with anyone else. They say, when I leave, his clingy and tantrum behavior just abruptly stops...

[Katigre]

I've nursed two children past 2 years old. Here is what worked for us:

1. Nursing manners, teach them ASAP and enforce them always - in and out of the house. Over here, that meant absolutely no tugging on my shirt. If a baby/toddler did that, I would remove their hand and redirect to another way of asking "Milk please?" or a sign for milk. Rinse, repeat. This was a big pet peeve of mine so I cut it off when it started. Be consistent and he'll learn other ways to communicate his desire to nurse.

2. Nursing Boundaries: Figure out your nursing parameters, and be prepared to enforce them and redirect him as much as possible. If you can see he's going to want to nurse and you don't want to do it in public or you know that he's too wiggly/grabby then excuse yourself and go elsewhere to nurse. I would not nurse in the car - have a special snack or some other beverage (not milk - he won't like that substitute) to drink.

3. In-Law Issues. It's totally normal and healthy for your son to be very attached to you. What do you think is the best way to handle your IL frustration about putting him to sleep and 'behavior'?

[catsnkid]

DS is mostly weaned but still nurses at night and occ will ask. If he asks at when I pick up at daycare I usually say later and offer him some water. We do not leave the house without a sippy of water and or/milk. Also, I *always* drive and he sits in the carseat. Never started nursing him while he was riding. The inlaws can stick it in IMHO. Granted, I haven't nursed DS at my MIL's house for awhile, but he hasn't asked.

[lizzywednesday]

We're also still nursing, but only at certain times of day.

I need to learn the sign for "milk" so that DD will stop pulling on my shirt. She wanted to nurse at the MLS game we took her to a few weeks ago, and I'd have done it ... except we'd been moved to field level seats!

[PGTB]

Thank you all for suggestions

I don't really know how to "tell" DS to stop pulling my clothes and demanding to nurse whenever/whereever, at this age, it seems I have no control over him at all, he just doesn't listen to me at all. Seems like DH or nanny or even grandparents have more authority restraining him and making him listen. He just does whatever he wants with mommy. I have to admit I give in to him sometimes especially in situations when he seems in pain or when he is screaming for an hour in the car and NOTHING ELSE works.


How do you teach him the sign for nursing? We are not practicing sign language at all.

[PGTB]

3. In-Law Issues. It's totally normal and healthy for your son to be very attached to you. What do you think is the best way to handle your IL frustration about putting him to sleep and 'behavior'?

it's not just my ILs, it's my own family too. I guess they just don't get the advantages/benefits of extended BFing even though I tell them as much as I can. They tend to blame every behavior problem and esp. sleep problems on extended bfing even though I personally know quite a few families with babies that are FFed and are terrible sleepers. They don't point it out or restrict me BFing him in front of them, they just mention it as a matter-of-factly when I start complaining about being tired from DS poor sleep night or him misbehaving. I am getting a bit tired of hearing BFing blamed for all the standard complaints most parents experience with their growing toddlers.

Not saying BFing has been a smooth sailing and I never gripe about it. I am not planning to BF past 2 years and most likely will start weaning of some sort at 18 months, but it's mainly due to hormone side-effects (similar to the pill, which I don't tolerate well) and restrictive nature on some of lifestyle aspects. But that's a topic for another thread, which could be fun

[hellokitty]

I'm sorry that your family is so unsupportive. FWIW, if I were in our shoes around family, I would not go out of the way to accommodate their weirdness about BFing. I would maybe find a spot away from all of the activity for privacy though, and if they talk behind your back or whatever, oh well. They are the ones with the hang up, not you, you are just trying to do what you think is best for your child. My parents and in laws were all very uncomfortable seeing me nurse, and my mom esp was VERY vocal about her disapproval, but I just stood my ground. By the 3rd kid, they finally got used to it, lol.

For other situations, I use distraction. If one of my toddlers wanted to NIP and it wasn't appropriate, I would offer him a snack or sippy cup instead. This is only when we are out. At home, I pretty much give them free reign to nurse as much as they want, so I didn't feel like I was constantly saying no. I feel like on days when we are at home doing nothing, DS3 wants to nurse all of the time. When we are out and about, he is so busy (is your son walking yet, once they walk they are so busy) that he isn't thinking much about nursing, so it hasn't been that big of an issue since then.

[goldenpig]

Thank you all for suggestions

I don't really know how to "tell" DS to stop pulling my clothes and demanding to nurse whenever/whereever, at this age, it seems I have no control over him at all, he just doesn't listen to me at all. Seems like DH or nanny or even grandparents have more authority restraining him and making him listen. He just does whatever he wants with mommy. I have to admit I give in to him sometimes especially in situations when he seems in pain or when he is screaming for an hour in the car and NOTHING ELSE works.


How do you teach him the sign for nursing? We are not practicing sign language at all.

I think you and I both have a lot of similarities in our DC's. They don't sleep and want to nurse all the time! Don't worry if he's clingy...just means he's got a strong bond & is well-attached to you. It's a good thing actually (I have to remind myself of this sometimes!)

For nursing I use the sign for "milk" which is to open and close your hands like you're milking a cow. In fact DS uses that sign to mean "mom" too so it's kind of confusing sometimes--he'll sign milk when he wants me even if he doesn't want to nurse.

I'd suggest using a "code word" also...you don't want your toddler screaming "I want boobies!" in the middle of a store! DD used to call it "mommy meh" (her own invention) which is a little more subtle.

Don't feel like you have to give up nursing because he's having tantrums. Toddlers need to be taught nursing manners. I went to a sleep consultant for DD when she was around 18 months about her waking up all night to nurse (she did on demand during the day too, so I was going crazy nursing her like 8-12 times a day and not getting any sleep) and she said that this is actually developmentally a good age to start teaching them limits, that no, they can't have whatever they want, whenever they want. So yes, it does involve some tantrums and meltdowns (DD had some huge ones lasting like an hour or more), but it's actually good for them to start to learn about self-regulation, and it helps them in other areas too. She told me to pick one nursing session where you have time to deal with the inevitable tantrum at home (like don't pick right before bed or at the grocery, maybe sometime in the afternoon or some other session that you want to cut out). Then when your DC demands to nurse, you say, "No nursies (or whatever your word is) right now...it's not time to nurse." Then DC has a fit, you basically stay with them, hold them, talk to them, etc. and let the tantrum run its course. Then, at a later point (it could even be 10 min later, but it has to be after he stops tantruming and at a time that you pick, not him), you come in and say, "DC! It's nursing time! Time for milk!" and nurse him. That way he learns that there are times when he can't nurse, but you are not giving up on it altogether. Also, talk to him about no grabbing your shirt, etc. Only you can lift up your shirt or no nursing. And totally agree with HK, use distraction with sippy or snacks/treats. When that starts to work, then you can start to work on not nursing in public (when you don't want to). I used to do a LOT of nursing in the car before and after activities. And it took me at least 6 months before she would mostly sleep through the night.

It is a long process, but worth it if you have the patience to stick with it. For me it was worth it not to have to throw the baby out with the bath water and wean cold turkey. It feels gentler to me. DD kept nursing till age 3 and still does once in a while!

Don't worry about what the IL's think. It's none of their business. Don't let them (or pediatricians or spouse whoever) dictate what you do with nursing...it's between you and your DC only! Let me know if you want me to send you my copy of Nursing Mother's Guide to Weaning (or you can check it out from the library), it's helpful with a lot of tips even if you're not planning to wean right away.

Good luck!

[PGTB]

I think you and I both have a lot of similarities in our DC's. They don't sleep and want to nurse all the time! Don't worry if he's clingy...just means he's got a strong bond & is well-attached to you. It's a good thing actually (I have to remind myself of this sometimes!)

For nursing I use the sign for "milk" which is to open and close your hands like you're milking a cow. In fact DS uses that sign to mean "mom" too so it's kind of confusing sometimes--he'll sign milk when he wants me even if he doesn't want to nurse.

I'd suggest using a "code word" also...you don't want your toddler screaming "I want boobies!" in the middle of a store! DD used to call it "mommy meh" (her own invention) which is a little more subtle.

Don't feel like you have to give up nursing because he's having tantrums. Toddlers need to be taught nursing manners. I went to a sleep consultant for DD when she was around 18 months about her waking up all night to nurse (she did on demand during the day too, so I was going crazy nursing her like 8-12 times a day and not getting any sleep) and she said that this is actually developmentally a good age to start teaching them limits, that no, they can't have whatever they want, whenever they want. So yes, it does involve some tantrums and meltdowns (DD had some huge ones lasting like an hour or more), but it's actually good for them to start to learn about self-regulation, and it helps them in other areas too. She told me to pick one nursing session where you have time to deal with the inevitable tantrum at home (like don't pick right before bed or at the grocery, maybe sometime in the afternoon or some other session that you want to cut out). Then when your DC demands to nurse, you say, "No nursies (or whatever your word is) right now...it's not time to nurse." Then DC has a fit, you basically stay with them, hold them, talk to them, etc. and let the tantrum run its course. Then, at a later point (it could even be 10 min later, but it has to be after he stops tantruming and at a time that you pick, not him), you come in and say, "DC! It's nursing time! Time for milk!" and nurse him. That way he learns that there are times when he can't nurse, but you are not giving up on it altogether. Also, talk to him about no grabbing your shirt, etc. Only you can lift up your shirt or no nursing. And totally agree with HK, use distraction with sippy or snacks/treats. When that starts to work, then you can start to work on not nursing in public (when you don't want to). I used to do a LOT of nursing in the car before and after activities. And it took me at least 6 months before she would mostly sleep through the night.

It is a long process, but worth it if you have the patience to stick with it. For me it was worth it not to have to throw the baby out with the bath water and wean cold turkey. It feels gentler to me. DD kept nursing till age 3 and still does once in a while!

Don't worry about what the IL's think. It's none of their business. Don't let them (or pediatricians or spouse whoever) dictate what you do with nursing...it's between you and your DC only! Let me know if you want me to send you my copy of Nursing Mother's Guide to Weaning (or you can check it out from the library), it's helpful with a lot of tips even if you're not planning to wean right away.

Good luck!

Thank you for the helpful advice! I will have to work on teaching DS some nursing manners, sounds like you and other PPs were able to and it looks like this should make our nursing experience much better. I will try what you did, work on teaching restriction at home in controlled env. first to show DS that he cannot nurse just whenever he wants, but still will get his fair share when the time is appropriate. I often feel overwhelmed in public or in the car when DS is unmanageable. He is stubborn and I mean STUBBORN an will demand to get his way clinging to me and crying. I think easier to deal with this at home, but not so much at a public place and especially in a car with him stuck in a car seat trying to wiggle his way out. the problem is that he would not take alternatives pushing everything away. I'll just avoid any car trips until he is used to it.

Realistically though, will the sign language for milk and talking to a 14 month old be effective or would this only work when DS is older? He is not really talking much, has some words, but I don't understand 80% he is saying.

[daisymommy]

You've gotten great advice so far, the only thing I can add is some baby-signs info. All 3 of my kids started signing by about 10 months. It's been a HUGE lifesaver! They can communicate their needs without wining and crying (because mommy can't figure out what they want).

Baby Signs Book
http://www.amazon.com/Baby-Signs-Tal.../dp/0071387765

Baby Signing Times Videos (1 & 2 are the best)
http://www.amazon.com/Baby-Signing-T...8869817&sr=8-1

Video dictionary http://www.babysignlanguagedictionar...art_Hands.html

good luck!